It's just NOT good news.

This morning i had a meltdown - FOR NO REASON. I was on my way out the door to photograph a session - and I all of a sudden, I really didn't feel like myself. I never seem to feel like myself anymore. I feel like I could cry - at the drop of a hat at ANY point of ANY day. I guess it's to be expected?



I finally realized that I think my "issue" is that i feel as though our diagnosis last week was GOOD NEWS. I feel like last wednesday I was given really great news. IT WASN'T GOOD NEWS. Yes, given our "situation" - it was fantastic news. It's the BEST news, CONSIDERING. But it's the "considering" part i'm having an issue with apparently. I'm no longer considering, I seem to be accepting this "good news".

• It's NOT good news to HAVE to do IVF.


• It's NOT good news to NOT be able to conceive children naturally.


• It's NOT good news that 2 pregnancies could cost us up to 40,000$.


• It's NOT good news that I really want more than 2 kids, and now it's highly unlikely.


• It's NOT good news that because of this diagnosis I may have to keep working at something other than my photography.


• It's NOT good news that come hell or high water, we'll be travelling 6hr round trip between Wakefield & Montreal - often.


• It's NOT good news that I'm going to have to take fertility drugs that could put me at a higher cancer risk.


• It's NOT good news that the drugs I'm going to have to take to do IVF will most likely make me gain 20 lbs instantly - and make people wonder if perhaps i'm pregnant, when in fact the problem is that I can't get pregnant.


• It's NOT good news that I'm going to need give myself shots in the butt, stomach and thighs.


• It's NOT good news that I'm about to start feeling like an incubator.


• It's NOT good news that the next time we want a baby - we have to do ALL of this again.


• It's NOT good news that we're about to start feeling like we're playing God.


• It's NOT good news that my pregnancy, once it happens will be considered "high risk".


• It's NOT good news that I'm about to get even moodier than I normally am because of the hormone shots.


• It's NOT good news that I'm about to start living my life beside the phone, because the clinic is about to start dictating what I do when.


• It's NOT good news I feel out of place, all the time, even with those that are close to me.


• It's NOT good news that I would rather sleep through the afternoon than head off to a family picnic.
• It's NOT good news that we have no idea if this will even work.

It's Just NOT good news. DAMN IT.