Monday, January 31, 2011

The beginning of recovery.

Our precious third child was born on January 21st. And so begins my journey into recovery. I've realize that it somewhat compares to an adicts life :: once infertile, always infertile. (unless of course you're cured which we cannot be.)

This is our last child, unless we enter the world of adoption at a future time. I am soaking up every second while grieving for something that is out of my control. I choose to now begin my journey into recovery instead of holding on to the fact that infertility is in control. Because it is. IT chose that we would be done now, though has also granted us three amazing children. Blessed doesn't seem to describe how I feel. We won our battle against infertility even if it still holds some control over us. Over me. I shall learn to live with it. Just like an addict where it never fully goes away, the infertility feelings will always linger but I will try my best to not allow them to take over my life again. I've dedicated more than 7 years of my life to it (5 since diagnosis) and I AM READY TO BE FREE.

She arrived after many hours of labouring and a scary emergency c-section -- but she is absolutely perfect and we are all in love.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

11w4d :: emotional wreck.

wow -- these pregnancy hormones are overwhelming these days.
Today I've wanted to cry all day for no reason at all.
Well, perhaps it's because I haven't slept well in 2 days.
Or that I woke up and my allergies were at least 80% worse today than they've been all spring/summer. (spring being my worse season normally)

or because my daugther is being incredibly assertive in her three & a half years and everyday it's harder and harder. Who ever said it was the terrible twos were wrong I think with my daugther. 3 1/2 has been our roughest phase yet. May it please be over soon. Of course having twins means twice the battles -- but my son isn't as hard -- although of course they rub off on each other. Thankfully, they do have each other to play with though -- because this phase would be even HARDER.

and maybe it's because this phase comes at a point in my life when I would like to take the time to soak up the happiness I'm living after more than a year and a half of absolute emotional HELL -- obviously -- my parenting probably suffered A LOT during those crazy difficult times... which probably means that she's ultra difficult a bit because of that.

Can I just say I cannot wait for infertility to be a very distant memory.

We'll tell the kids today or tomorrow that we're expecting... and then the rest of the extended family/cirle of friends by friday. Maybe it'll kick me out of my current funk. who knows.

I sound worse than I feel (i think!) --- I do have good days --- mostly good moments in days I suppose... but I'm incredibly happy and feel blessed everyday that we're expecting one baby. Of course those sentiments are ALWAYS followed by "if all goes well" because for some reason - I also believe that my happiness is minutes from being taken from me, daily. hopefully as the pregnancy progresses those feelings will STOP. because they SUCK.

11w4d and emotionally drained. feeling like a bitch, 80% of the days.

Monday, June 14, 2010

seriously. seriously.

My brother just called. He's going to be a dad too in January. This is NOT good news -- and I'm guessing he thought I was being a little bitchy by my reaction. he doesn't have stable income and neither does she -- I think they've been dating for 6 months - well I guess a little longer than that but we first met her at Christmas time. She's REALLY nice -- so that's not the issue at all. at all. She's from a great family -- and I'm sure they'll be good together in the long run (well, I SURE HOPE SO!!!)

but OMG. My family is FULL of accidents -- but when it hits this close to home it's even harder to swallow. Due at the same time as me. wow.

Without kidding I think I would have needed some anxiety pills had I learned that news after having failed a cycle that would have had me due at the same time. I shouldn't think like that -- I AM pregnant -- but it's really hard not to think of the whatifs.

So now there are FIVE babies due on ONE side of my family in JANUARY. All in ONE month. (well, I think we're all due in the span of 2 weeks) but nobody knows about our pregnancy yet. (in the extended family)

I don't know if my brother knows of our struggles -- I'm really not certain. He wasn't in a great space when we first started going through IF HELL -- and I'm not sure if it's ever been shared with him - although i'm guessing so since 80% of my extended family knows... i just felt like telling him that with all the emotional and financial investements I had in creating MY family -- it was hard to get excited about HIS oops.

I pray good things happen to them... for the sake of my niece or nephew. OMG. (will be the first child born in our family that doesn't belong to my dh & i)


9w3d pregnant and feeling HORRIBLY sick; HORRIBLY. I have this HORRIBLE taste in my mouth ALL THE TIME -- which means I'm forever eating stuff to minimize it but the minute i'm done eating, the taste comes right back :( I really really hope that passes at the end of the first trimester -- I've read of women having this throughout their whole pregnancy :(

Friday, June 04, 2010

eight weeks.

it's weird, it's like a long time has gone by since we found out -- and yet it feels like it was yesterday adn I'd give ANYTHING to be in my 14th + week already.

Yesterday I had my first prenatal apt. with my family dr. that can follow me until 36 weeks -- and she's just a few minutes away! Such an advantage to my last pregnancy that was followed by a high risk clinic at least 45 min. away.

It's amazing to be normal. A little unerving, but I think i'll manage. I think.

My next scan is between weeks 18-20. That by itself feels AMAZING. Our twin pregnancy we scanned A LOT (out of 'necessity' so I was ok with it -- but would have prefered less ultrasounds on my babes!) and this time, it's almost normal. I've had one at 6 weeks and should only have one more if all goes well :)

My next apt. is at 14 weeks. that's SIX weeks without seeing a medical professional. WOW. Haven't not seen a dr. in that much timespan since March.

By the end of this pregnancy, I might just actually feel like a normal pregnant woman. fingers crossed!!

Symptoms wise I'm CRAZY tired and very nauseated... but appreciate some signs. if I had none, i'd be freaking out, i'm sure.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

ONE Baby!

ONE. A heartbeat on a tiny tiny tiny being was seen yesterday.

I don't think any other single even in my life has been this life changing or even made me THIS happy. The alternative for the next long years of my life was looking sad. This is life changing.

The ONLY reason I would have jumped for joy for twins again is that I really wanted 4 or 5 kids in my life -- and this is our last pregnancy and very most likely our very last child. And I'm ok with that. Four would have been lovely -- but I'm happy either way. And I might convince my husband to do some fostering later in life or something... or at least I can change my vocation and work with children more if I need to.

the one thing that wasn't a dream yesterday was the ultrasound tech. She made about 10 references to being crazy for transfering three. ONE including "I would NEVER transfer three" I was too giddy to reply like I wanted to - and I'm sure that's why she takes liberty of daring to say such things. Knowing patients are on a high they wont reply. When she said she would never ever transfer three I felt like saying "please, give me details of YOUR ivf cycles and tell me how many you've transfered..." or "right, and how many failed cycles have you had?" or "have you seen my chart? Being an ultrasound tech makes you capable of an opinion on the quality of the embryos we produced and you understand that THREE were absolutely going to implant. You're so smart... so why am I only pregnant with ONE?" (one is GOOD!)

but i've let her attitude go (although frankly I believe a complaint should be filed) because we're incredibly HAPPY. never happier.


5 weeks till we tell our 2 monkeys who will then blab it to the world :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The calm before the storm?

I have hints of symptoms -- and I think i'm turning them into bigger symptoms because I need to hold on to SOMETHING until the viability ultrasound.

My boobs hurt. lots. for real. THAT is not stretching it.

I'm kindof-maybe-sometimes-but-most-likely-not-really nauseated at times. It's TRUE i don't always feel great -- but nausea is a strong word for it.

If I make it through the night without having to pee in the night (which is most nights) I think "that's it, i'm not actually pregnant"

all of that and then I think "maybe this is what being pregnant with ONE would be like?" cause really, I think it's only one this time (mostly saying that because of my low-ish beta) and praying it's still holding on for dear life.

I have less and less cramps. Which you would think a good thing, but like I said - i'm trying to make up symptoms to reassure myself that it's true. and when there are few symptoms, it's hard to believe.

Deep down I KNOW that normal pregnancies at this point (5w3d) don't have much symptoms. I KNOW this -- but still, i'm fishing.

My scan is next tuesday -- a week from today. that seems far. It's 2 days later than it could be. Sunday they're not open and monday we're still out of town (heading out to a cottage 4 hrs away for the long week-end) so I wait until Tuesday. Hopefully for amazing news. It has to be good news.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Beta -- 14dp2dt

After frantic calls from my cell phone while sitting in the parking lot of the blood lab to my clinic for a proper req form (because they hand out their hospital reqs and they're not supposed to be used outside their hospital. frustrating!!) anyways -- finally manage to get something somewhat acceptable to be faxed... an hour later, get my blood drawn. NEVER a dull moment in the life of the infertile.

Anyways -- beta: 174.

From too much googling I think it's on the low side for 16dpo -- but until told otherwise, i'll believe it's ok. I'll also believe that maybe it's just ONE embryo! I'm guessing that if all three had taken, it would be higher. But I know that science isn't an exact one. 2 weeks today we'll find out how many are in there!

Oh, and I haven't even heard this from my clinic yet. The lady at the blood lab was nice enough to tell me :) Wonder how long it will take for them to tell me... last time it was a full week after many frantic calls on my part... (but then i knew it was negative)

While I'm not fully registering that I'm PREGNANT -- I haven't felt THIS light in a long time. Years even. I'm tired, but can still accomplish things. I can plan projects and know I'll see them through -- the IF depression like state has been lifted -- it's unbelievable. Everytime I think that I remind myself that we're not yet out of the woods... and start praying everything will go well. That in months from now, I will be able to hopefully put the IF depressive state out of my life FOREVER. It will forever have changed me -- and I'm guessing I'll still 'suffer' from bits of it -- but not the overwhelming feelings of it.

it's nice to be able to breathe.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

13dp2dt + HPT...

POSITIVE. OMG. I barely believe it. I could hardly believe the + sign. I'm still praying it worked and then realize "wait a minute, I already tested and it said IT DID!!"

omg. fingers + everything else crossed between now and the viability ultrasound. Well, really tomorrow for the BETA too. Now, the praying begins that three didn't take. One or Two please.


best mother's day in the history of all mother's day. ever. anywhere.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

I may or may not be pregnant...

but I AM going crazy, zero doubt about that.

I decided to wait until tomorrow to test -- thinking that IF i tested negative today (12dp2dt) I would spend all day thinking I tested too early instead of coping with the results and that would drive me crazy. problem is, i can't decide which method would have driven me crazier.

I'm about 18 hours away from finding out and i'm terrified.
I can't help but think it didn't work.
I can't help but think that my actions today have an impact on the results which is CRAZY -- since I've either been pregnant now for like a week, or NOT. Implantation HAS or HAS NOT occured, but it wont happen TODAY. I couldn't help but think that if I did a HPT test today it would CHANGE the results I might get tomorrow.

YES, going CRAZY.

I'm terrified that tomorrow I find out that at 31, my dreams of having a newborn again are over.

all that makes me think I should have tested this morning, but i didn't. now I will try my best to wait until tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I'll pretend to myself the results could be affected by non morning urine. Yes, crazy indeed.


Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It's either going to be the BEST mother's day in the world -- or the absolute WORSE one. I'm praying for the best.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Tired of this confused state.

Daily I convince myself that it did not work, that I am not pregant. I do so I think to minimize the blow that could very well be coming. BUT then I flip flop to 'but of course it might have worked... if there was no chance at all, why would we have cycled?'. So there's a chance. I could be. But I'm not. I can't be. Can I?

I hate it. I feel like i need to be WAY more hopeful but at the same time, I feel like if I'm ALL hope -- I'll crash harder IF in fact it's negative.

Worse? I can visualize the damn positive on the HPT. Which means really, I'm not fully believing it didn't work --- which means I'll fall from as far as humanly possible.

But then, maybe that's the only way to be. How can a negative result after 10,000$ and loads of pain and loads of injections and loads of praying and dreaming -- how can you possibly fall from 'half way to the top' for example? I'm guessing it's an all or nothing, every cycle. DAMN IT.

I had a glimmer of hope on Sunday because I had symptoms of carpal tunnel quite badly. my hand went fully numb on me. The only time in my life that ever happened, you guessed it, was when I was pregnant. it went away with delivery. I have read that it can be because of an hormonal imbalance. Progesterone + Estrogen. Um, the 2 hormones I'm on. What if.... I've caused an imbalance so great my body cannot become pregnant?

I'm still crampy. I get localized 'cramping/pain' in my right side. So specific that it gives me hope that perhaps an embryo has attached to that side?? or perhaps my ovary was poked a little too much and it's just pain from that.

I hate not knowing. but worse, I hate knowing that this was my last chance. I didn't know that until the day we transfered. But that day it became incredibly clear to me that our odds had gone from what we thought were 50%ish to a rough personal-not-medical-opinion of say maybe 18%. That day I realized that my husband had wondered how long we could do this before realizing that we owed our family more than trying and trying and throwing all our money away over something that could very well never EVER happen again. I haven't told him that I now realize WHEN that is. It's now. It was this cycle. Last cycle was HORRIBLE -- I was sick, all around it was HELL. This one went SO MUCH BETTER -- but yet our numbers sucked. Maybe it's cause I felt "fine" through it that I could see so clearly... maybe it's because I believe three transfers are enough for ME to make up my mind. Who knows. I'll NEVER know.

and I seriously hope with every fibre of my being that this is the last cycle because it completes our family. Not because I believe we've been medically beatten.

please oh please god. please.

9dp2dt and waiting until Sat. to test (12dp2dt)