I'm tired of not feeling like myself.

Yesterday was a weird day - today is worse. Part of yesterday was good - parts were bad. Today just seems bad.

I'm tired of being behind in things. I'm tired of forgetting things. Last night I forgot to do something from the time it took me to get from my inlaws to my house. FIVE MINUTES. Thought of it this morning. I feel HORRIBLE. I feel awful almost all the time.

I'm sitting at my desk, and I want to cry. again.

I'm tired of wanting a life I can't have. I'm annoyed that I have to go through what i have to go through. I'm selfish. Normal people don't have to live this. I am a hardworking person who has strong values. THIS SUCKS.

I am sick of people asking me when we'll have kids. or if we're "even thinking about it".


To say i have good days and bad days makes it sound like i'm fighting an illness that is going to kill me. I know better. I know i'm not. I know this is temporary - and a little bump on our path. I'm intelligent enough to understand all that - but today I just want to scream WHY ME. THIS SUCKS and it should only happen to bad people.... which of course leads right to... "what have i done to deserve this?!"


My little sister comes home on the week-end, I haven't seen her since june. Once I tell her the hell we're living - I think I may tell "everybody" - which means just telling one or 2 people in the family and just like that EVERYBODY will know. I don't want everybody to know - but I think I just might bite somebody's head off - the next one who makes a comment about me having children.

At our house warming this week-end, one of my aunts said "so i guess you guys aren't having many kids here..." Um... what? I was so annoyed. I just replied "well, let me put it this way - WE'RE NOT MOVING AGAIN." AND we "knew" we'd have 4 kids in that house before we were "informed" that we can't have any kids on our "own". Yes, we need to finish the basement - whatever - it was just such a STUPID comment :( Now we're not having 4 kids (unless in all this bad luck we strike gold!)

I just wish, from the bottom of my heart, that people would BUTT OUT. Don't ask stupid questions. Don't ask questions that are THAT personal - unless I've informed you that you can!! (i mean for family members that make stupid passing comments)

My SIL told my dh yesterday that 'we could stay with a family friend that goes to McGill anytime we need to... she lives close to the campus' (which is close to the fertility clinic) As nice as that "seems" - the last thing we want is to "camp out" at a student appartment (where? on a coutch? on the floor?) when we have to deal with this crap... We'll be wanting OUR BED so badly - it just seems crazy to think that anybody would think that's a good solution? Or are we being too picky? My dh was just annoyed that that probably means this girl in question had been told about our "situation" - which may not even be the case... either way- OBVIOUSLY we can't stay with her. I know they mean well, but thinking a little bit more about these things would help us the most...

I do have a cousin I will most likely call up if we need to spend the night in mtrl... as a last resort... a hotel would be better - but I can't see us spending that kind of $ all the time - besides, she'd completely butt out of everything, giving us our space - that i am positive of, and thankful I know I can call her if need be. She's not super close to downtown - but a heck of a lot closer than our 3 hr comute :(


Did i mention how not myself i am today? tears tears go away!! :(