People who don't get it.
Some people do, some people don't. Some people ask questions, others simply assume. Some think they know what it means - others admit they have no idea.
We had to tell a friend (P) at work because he happens to be my supervisor. We had to tell him, because he approves my leave. My dh told him - because I was just going to email him. I can't handle pity looks - and I can't stand crying at work. (i do enough of that in my cubicle in any case).
This was over a week ago. Dh says "he was really nice about it..." which is NOT surprising, he's a people person... anyways. we leave it at that. On monday A says "but he did say a few things that made me realize he has no idea of what we're going through..." And he starts.
First thing. A mentions "at some times we'll need 2 back to back days or parts of 2 days because we'll need to spend the night in Mtrl..." P.'s response: "Oh yeah, to at least make a getaway out of it... since you have to go to Montreal anyways... might as well make the best of it..." Um... NO!!!! Getaway?! Do you know how much i'd kill for my BED those nights??? Give me a break. It's not a walk in the park... it's not that we're going to Mtrl to just see a dr. who will prescribe pills or something. It's PROCEDURES. Crappy ones. IF we have to spend the night, it's because our appt. may be really early in the morning the next day... OR because we'll have to "do things" that will make it very uncomfortable to drive 3 hours home... OR because we'll need to be at the clinic back to back days. "a getaway"!? THANK GOODNESS he didn't say that to me - i would have lost it. A. just shook his head and didn't say anything. But then he was so stunned, he couldn't think of anything to say.
Second thing. P. mentions that friends of theirs had a really bad pregnancy (not getting pregnant, just once pregnant) and she had to take a lot of drugs to sustain the pregnancy. He goes on to say "now they don't know if they'll have another kid because the few 1000$ it cost in pills was so expensive." Of course A. didn't say anything to P. about it - but as he's telling me this - he just goes on to say "uh... no. They're probably really scared for the baby and the mom's health... but a "few thousands" in medication - yeah right" As in you don't put a price on your children... AND chances are (although i know it's not for sure - but high chances those drugs were covered for this couple) Just goes to show how LITTLE he understands about what A. told him. Of course they didn't discuss $ - but if he thinks that drugs are "too expensive" what the heck would he think if he really knew how much this was going to cost us? How cannot you not assume thought at that point that IVF must be more expensive than drugs? Of course i understand that people don't know that - we didn't realize exactly how intensive this whole thing would be either - i get that... but to make a stupid false statement about somebody he "knows" is just crazy - especially since our situation will cost us probably close to 40,000$ if we're lucky. (ok, lucky would be less - i just don't want it to be more...)
All of this from somebody who I think has the weirdest parenting values. Everyday when he mentions his children i want to slap him and [now] say "at least you have kids..." They seem to be such a chore... I now believe they had kids "because that's what people do." I do not believe they fit into their lives very well. I feel horrible for thinking it - but i do. They were just on holidays for 2 weeks. A wednesday to a tuesday. They sent the kids to daycare on the last day - to have a "holiday". Makes my blood boil. Makes my dh's blood boil too. I fully understand that couples need "couple" time - but I CANNOT imagine being at HOME with my dh while my kids are sent to DAYCARE. Isn't that the kind of thing you want to do when you can drop them off so they can spend more time with grandparents or aunts/uncles? I know - none of my business. Just makes me sad. So many would do so much to be able to stay home with their children... Oh - and she doesn't work full time yet and the goal was to keep ONE of them home one day a week. Can you imagine telling the other sibling "oh no, you have to go to daycare while your brother stays home with mommy" They're little. They live in the now. "it's your turn NEXT week" doesn't have much impact on a 2 year old. She cannot for the life of her manage 2 children at the same time. And I say that was the goal - because i wouldn't be surprised to find out she just sent them both to daycare to have alone time. She's "home" when the cleaning lady comes for goodness sake... i guess it's just cause they live the life of "rich" people or something - something i would NEVER be able to live. Goodness this makes me sound like a bitch.
My cousin's dh is on parental leave for 10 weeks. They have THREE boys. he's alone with them - all day, everyday.
Some get it - some don't... It's true about infertility - and it's obviously true about parenting.
We had to tell a friend (P) at work because he happens to be my supervisor. We had to tell him, because he approves my leave. My dh told him - because I was just going to email him. I can't handle pity looks - and I can't stand crying at work. (i do enough of that in my cubicle in any case).
This was over a week ago. Dh says "he was really nice about it..." which is NOT surprising, he's a people person... anyways. we leave it at that. On monday A says "but he did say a few things that made me realize he has no idea of what we're going through..." And he starts.
First thing. A mentions "at some times we'll need 2 back to back days or parts of 2 days because we'll need to spend the night in Mtrl..." P.'s response: "Oh yeah, to at least make a getaway out of it... since you have to go to Montreal anyways... might as well make the best of it..." Um... NO!!!! Getaway?! Do you know how much i'd kill for my BED those nights??? Give me a break. It's not a walk in the park... it's not that we're going to Mtrl to just see a dr. who will prescribe pills or something. It's PROCEDURES. Crappy ones. IF we have to spend the night, it's because our appt. may be really early in the morning the next day... OR because we'll have to "do things" that will make it very uncomfortable to drive 3 hours home... OR because we'll need to be at the clinic back to back days. "a getaway"!? THANK GOODNESS he didn't say that to me - i would have lost it. A. just shook his head and didn't say anything. But then he was so stunned, he couldn't think of anything to say.
Second thing. P. mentions that friends of theirs had a really bad pregnancy (not getting pregnant, just once pregnant) and she had to take a lot of drugs to sustain the pregnancy. He goes on to say "now they don't know if they'll have another kid because the few 1000$ it cost in pills was so expensive." Of course A. didn't say anything to P. about it - but as he's telling me this - he just goes on to say "uh... no. They're probably really scared for the baby and the mom's health... but a "few thousands" in medication - yeah right" As in you don't put a price on your children... AND chances are (although i know it's not for sure - but high chances those drugs were covered for this couple) Just goes to show how LITTLE he understands about what A. told him. Of course they didn't discuss $ - but if he thinks that drugs are "too expensive" what the heck would he think if he really knew how much this was going to cost us? How cannot you not assume thought at that point that IVF must be more expensive than drugs? Of course i understand that people don't know that - we didn't realize exactly how intensive this whole thing would be either - i get that... but to make a stupid false statement about somebody he "knows" is just crazy - especially since our situation will cost us probably close to 40,000$ if we're lucky. (ok, lucky would be less - i just don't want it to be more...)
All of this from somebody who I think has the weirdest parenting values. Everyday when he mentions his children i want to slap him and [now] say "at least you have kids..." They seem to be such a chore... I now believe they had kids "because that's what people do." I do not believe they fit into their lives very well. I feel horrible for thinking it - but i do. They were just on holidays for 2 weeks. A wednesday to a tuesday. They sent the kids to daycare on the last day - to have a "holiday". Makes my blood boil. Makes my dh's blood boil too. I fully understand that couples need "couple" time - but I CANNOT imagine being at HOME with my dh while my kids are sent to DAYCARE. Isn't that the kind of thing you want to do when you can drop them off so they can spend more time with grandparents or aunts/uncles? I know - none of my business. Just makes me sad. So many would do so much to be able to stay home with their children... Oh - and she doesn't work full time yet and the goal was to keep ONE of them home one day a week. Can you imagine telling the other sibling "oh no, you have to go to daycare while your brother stays home with mommy" They're little. They live in the now. "it's your turn NEXT week" doesn't have much impact on a 2 year old. She cannot for the life of her manage 2 children at the same time. And I say that was the goal - because i wouldn't be surprised to find out she just sent them both to daycare to have alone time. She's "home" when the cleaning lady comes for goodness sake... i guess it's just cause they live the life of "rich" people or something - something i would NEVER be able to live. Goodness this makes me sound like a bitch.
My cousin's dh is on parental leave for 10 weeks. They have THREE boys. he's alone with them - all day, everyday.
Some get it - some don't... It's true about infertility - and it's obviously true about parenting.
posted by Winnifred at 8:15 AM
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