like this isn't bad enough.
i talked to my brother this evening. by accident.
I called to talk to my sister - he answered. I usually just ask for my sister - but this time i asked him for a camera i gave him as a gift a few years ago (that he's never used :( ) but that i'd like to play with - it's a toy camera. "yes i have it, sure you can use it..." i was going to ask for my sister at this point - i haven't had a conversation with my brother in MONTHS -- although i've seen him a few times at my parents and stuff. I just can't handle him. He's typically quite "nice" but yet he's sooo messed up - i just don't understand it. I have a hard time talking to him because I feel like i always go back to excusing his behaviour in my head/heart - cause he is, after all, my little brother - and i spent YEARS defending him - he was the youngest, the only boy and picked on quite a bit. I can't handle it anymore - so i avoid it.
Anyways - before i could ask for my sister he asked how things were "fine." he asks "what are you up to?" i answer "nothing much". Not being rude - but not offering much information... what would he care if i actually said "well, not that you ask, we're dealing with infertility and we actually have to do in-vitro to become pregnant..." i still don't think he has a clue. Not really his fault if i or nobody else told him BUT his behaviour is 100% his fault, therefore in the end, he IS to blame.
Then he goes on to tell me he's looking for a job... I said "really? right now? you don't have work?" he says "Uh... no??" (like i should know all this??) and I said "aren't you working for dad on the farm right now?" (apparently that was the WRONG thing to say) and i knew he kind of was, and i know dad can't keep both of them afloat all year - but RIGHT NOW is typically busy on the farm. He yells "yeah ... i am... but do you think he pays me?!?" I just said (again very calm) "what? of course dad would pay you? that's a crazy accusation - dad's a very good business man, something you could learn alot from. he's a stand up guy that pays his staff for their work. there's NO way he'd be where he is right now by screwing people over." HE LOST IT. started yelling at ME. Started saying i knew nothing. He was so rude. Finally I just said "are you high?" and that put him over. Loses it even more and says "don't you dare start - i haven't even smoked in 3 days" and i just said - calm again - "i hardly believe that you're seriously talking to me in this tone when i've said nothing rude to you if you're not drunk or high. there's just no way..." cause really - THERE ISN'T. Unless on top of doing drugs he's also become a complete ass, it was out of character - he never talks to me like that.
and then... click. he hung up on me.
All of that - and I just wanted a recipe from my sister :( I hung up the phone and screamed at the top of my lungs - louder than i thought i could (my throat still really really hurts :( ) adam ran downstairs... "no, i swear nothing is wrong... i just had to talk to my stupid brother." arh.
I called back, cause really I wanted to talk to my sister, not him. I left her a calm message (although i'm sure she'll manage to tell my voice was shaky) but super calm "Hey R, i was calling to see if you could share your thoughts on something i'm making for friday - can you call be back? thanks".
I know he thought i was calling him back - i called RIGHT back after he treated me like dirt and hung up on him. I'm *hoping* that me not even acknowledging him will make him think twice about how he talked to me. It wont change anything - but if it gave him 2 seconds of "what? she just called back for that?" then it kind of worked.
I'm thinking of sending him a letter telling him that if he doesn't appologize he's getting the silent treatement from me - until he does. BUT i don't think i can do that - because for my parents sake i probably can't follow through - and there's nothing worse than people who can't follow through. if i say something - I DO IT. If i tell him i wont talk to him and I do to not hurt my parents, then i've lost, and he's won. My parents try so hard because they know if he becomes completely alienated from the family he'll most likely leave and then who knows when we'd see him. They're right - but i can't deal.
My life HURTS right now. And... he's throwing his away. I simply CANNOT understand it. not one bit.
It makes me want to skip christmas all together - and i like christmas.
:(
I called to talk to my sister - he answered. I usually just ask for my sister - but this time i asked him for a camera i gave him as a gift a few years ago (that he's never used :( ) but that i'd like to play with - it's a toy camera. "yes i have it, sure you can use it..." i was going to ask for my sister at this point - i haven't had a conversation with my brother in MONTHS -- although i've seen him a few times at my parents and stuff. I just can't handle him. He's typically quite "nice" but yet he's sooo messed up - i just don't understand it. I have a hard time talking to him because I feel like i always go back to excusing his behaviour in my head/heart - cause he is, after all, my little brother - and i spent YEARS defending him - he was the youngest, the only boy and picked on quite a bit. I can't handle it anymore - so i avoid it.
Anyways - before i could ask for my sister he asked how things were "fine." he asks "what are you up to?" i answer "nothing much". Not being rude - but not offering much information... what would he care if i actually said "well, not that you ask, we're dealing with infertility and we actually have to do in-vitro to become pregnant..." i still don't think he has a clue. Not really his fault if i or nobody else told him BUT his behaviour is 100% his fault, therefore in the end, he IS to blame.
Then he goes on to tell me he's looking for a job... I said "really? right now? you don't have work?" he says "Uh... no??" (like i should know all this??) and I said "aren't you working for dad on the farm right now?" (apparently that was the WRONG thing to say) and i knew he kind of was, and i know dad can't keep both of them afloat all year - but RIGHT NOW is typically busy on the farm. He yells "yeah ... i am... but do you think he pays me?!?" I just said (again very calm) "what? of course dad would pay you? that's a crazy accusation - dad's a very good business man, something you could learn alot from. he's a stand up guy that pays his staff for their work. there's NO way he'd be where he is right now by screwing people over." HE LOST IT. started yelling at ME. Started saying i knew nothing. He was so rude. Finally I just said "are you high?" and that put him over. Loses it even more and says "don't you dare start - i haven't even smoked in 3 days" and i just said - calm again - "i hardly believe that you're seriously talking to me in this tone when i've said nothing rude to you if you're not drunk or high. there's just no way..." cause really - THERE ISN'T. Unless on top of doing drugs he's also become a complete ass, it was out of character - he never talks to me like that.
and then... click. he hung up on me.
All of that - and I just wanted a recipe from my sister :( I hung up the phone and screamed at the top of my lungs - louder than i thought i could (my throat still really really hurts :( ) adam ran downstairs... "no, i swear nothing is wrong... i just had to talk to my stupid brother." arh.
I called back, cause really I wanted to talk to my sister, not him. I left her a calm message (although i'm sure she'll manage to tell my voice was shaky) but super calm "Hey R, i was calling to see if you could share your thoughts on something i'm making for friday - can you call be back? thanks".
I know he thought i was calling him back - i called RIGHT back after he treated me like dirt and hung up on him. I'm *hoping* that me not even acknowledging him will make him think twice about how he talked to me. It wont change anything - but if it gave him 2 seconds of "what? she just called back for that?" then it kind of worked.
I'm thinking of sending him a letter telling him that if he doesn't appologize he's getting the silent treatement from me - until he does. BUT i don't think i can do that - because for my parents sake i probably can't follow through - and there's nothing worse than people who can't follow through. if i say something - I DO IT. If i tell him i wont talk to him and I do to not hurt my parents, then i've lost, and he's won. My parents try so hard because they know if he becomes completely alienated from the family he'll most likely leave and then who knows when we'd see him. They're right - but i can't deal.
My life HURTS right now. And... he's throwing his away. I simply CANNOT understand it. not one bit.
It makes me want to skip christmas all together - and i like christmas.
:(
posted by Winnifred at 9:38 PM
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