officially scared.

I'm not going "home" for thanksgiving - instead we're going to... a hockey game? My dh said he'd really like for us to go to the home opener - and his family said sure (his parents and sister) and I said ok. KNOWING that that was thanksgiving.

what's wrong with me? Last time I went "home" was the last week-end of August. Ok - so that's not THAT far away, right? right. BUT I have no idea when we're going up next - and i'm starting to think i'll be christmas. It's an hour away. what's wrong with me? We're out of town next week and my parents were going to take the dog - but now his parents will. So we don't have to go drop him off or pick him up. I'm booked as of now until mid nov. and i'm bound to book into further... anyways. i can't see it.

and what bugs me the most about this whole thing - is that i don't mind. For the first time since I left home it doesn't bug me to not be going home. I wish I could say that it's because i'm so in love with MY home and that i've finally found somewhere to call home - but it's not that. I just don't need to see everybody it seems. I think it's honestly because all of a sudden the "when will you have kids??" questions have taken an incredible toll. Without me really noticing. Yes, they were annoying me to no end - but i didn't realize that it was THIS bad. But obviously it is. I'm tired of seeing all the kids around - when I want babies more than any of them could ever ever ever imagine.

But then christmas wont be any better. What then?

I think that what is bugging me too is that even if every single person in my "family" knew that we had to go through IVF - hardly none of them would understand - or care to understand - the extent of it. None of them will REALLY understand what it feels like. People will PITY me - and i hate pity. I HATE PITY. hate it. hate it.

I'm sitting here thinking that if I was pregnant right now, I still wouldn't want to see all of my family. Because most would think "see - it couldn't be THAT bad, she's pregant" or worse "see, i knew she could get pregnant." I don't want people thinking that.

Can I hide until we have a baby?? or would that be really obvious?


ok - i have never in my life felt so negative. I seriously need to regroup.