Overwhelming...

Can I live the life I want to live? or am i kidding myself?

I keep getting these overwhelming feelings that i'm kidding myself. Nearly panick attacks. I had an extremely vivid dream that i quit my photography business. And... I woke up thinking maybe it wasn't a crazy idea. WHAT???

I cannot live my life working the job i work right now - no way. Why live at all, if it's to get up everyday to go work with horrible people and feel aweful, everyday? why?

I LOVE photography. I'm GOOD at photography. I am a photographer.


BUT will I wake up on mat leave thinking I messed everything up? Will I wake up feeling BROKE - more broke than i feel now? I feel broke now, cause we're trying to save all our $ for IVF... but what about when I don't have that paycheck??

I want more than anything to be a stay at home mom (to the children we can't even have right now) A. wants that too... but honestly - are we kidding ourselves?

WHAT CAN I DO?! I can't stay in this job. I WANT to be a photographer... BUT what happens *if* it doesn't work out? god forbid. I'm just scared. Seems to be my most normal state these days :( Add to the mix that life is MUCH too short - and we're reminded of this on a daily basis it seems... if life is that short, and any of us could be gone tomorrow - why would I possibly NOT want to work my butt off to be a photographer and do something I LOVE?


Life has taken a HUGE twist for us over the last few months... what if it's supposed to be a sign implying that we need dual "safe" income? What if it's implying that life doesn't work they way we expect, not always. I was a strong believer that you got what you worked for. The harder you work, the more success you have. NOT true in building a family - quite obviously. What if i'm just wrong period. What if LUCK has a lot to do with it? And what if what we're living is a sign that we're not lucky? I don't want to believe in luck. I want to believe in hard work... but it's becoming increasingly hard...