More confused than ever. If possible.

I'm so confused.

The urologist said that for sure my dh was missing a vas deferens. FOR SURE. Even after I asked straight out "are you saying this could be? or you're saying that THIS IS IT?" and he assured me that was it. He was wrong. I understand that drs can be wrong - and i know the ultrasound my dh was sent to was to verify this... BUT... why couldn't he say "it's probably what he has..."?!

We had a pretty clear picture of what was happening... and now, all of a sudden... it's completely blurry again.

They're both there (no questions about it) so what does that mean for us?? WHY is the sperm count ZERO?? Does it mean that maybe, just maybe it could be fixable?? (get off your cloud dummy!!)

We're leaving the hospital yesterday, my dh says "well, if in fact it's not missing, then that means that the genetic testing is kindda usless, no?" (meaning he wouldn't be at a higher chance anymore...) WELL, perhaps the clinic heard... cause they called while we were on the road (left a message on the machine) to schedule an appointment... funny timing. Anyways - I called back today - and she could do one on Monday... she said "are you sure? you don't want to wait till you're coming for something else?" NO. I WANT IT NOW. It takes a min. of 6 weeks to get the results - do you think i'm going to wait another 6 weeks just to do the darn blood test? I DON'T THINK SO... I figure, even if my dh is not at a higher risk - why risk it at all? We're so close to finding out if either of us carry the CF gene - we'd be really dumb to decide not to test... especially since the dr. gave us the req. It would be a completely fluke that we'd both be carriers... BUT hasn't this whole thing been a fluke?! NORMAL PEOPLE CAN HAVE BABIES BY HAVING SEX...!!! Anything else, is a fluke of nature, if you ask me.

So, we're heading back to Mtrl on Monday. Less than a week after our last appointment (which was yesterday). We booked a followup with the urologist (who happens to NOT be taking any appointments in Oct. so we were lucky...) for the 21st of Sept. Back to Mtrl. Back on the 5th of Oct. I just hope that these appointments are valuable... and that they allow us to progress...

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I WANT A BABY. Oh wait, if you're reading this (thank you by the way ;) ) you already know that part!

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I keep seeing this commercial on tv for "Terry" the Terry Fox story that's coming soon... and you hear "Terry" say how he doesn't stop at "why him" when he knows that Cancer affects people all over the world, all the time... that he's not unique... and everytime i hear it i want to cry. Why can't I have that strenght? NO - i don't pretend i have cancer, goodness I don't. But everyday I wonder WHY ME in this battle. NOT why me, it should be somebody else - JUST WHY ME?? WHY does it have to be difficult for US? Infertility affects SOOOO many people - why ANY OF US?