Craving...
No, not food. Normalcy.
Morning sickness is as bad as it will get now I think. I'm not vomitting - so it could get worse - but most days I can hardly move i'm so nauseated. I wonder how anybody gets through their days feeling like this. Yesterday I had to take yet another sick day - and I couldn't get up all day. At one point I felt like a total loser so i MADE myself sit up for a while... 2 minutes later I was lying down again - not able to tolerate the pain of sitting up. THAT's how nauseous i am.
EVERYTHING food wise looks/smells horrible. Yesterday I caught myself yearning for the old days - the days where I wasn't sick all the time... I was watching tv (yet again!) and found myself jealous of those on TV... they seemed to manage to go on with their lives like they didn't feel like throwing up every second of the day. Damn them.
In all of that - I count my blessings that I AM pregnant. IT WORKED. Still - I crave believing in it. I wish I could accept the fact that it's TRUE, I'm pregnant. I read IF boards and everybody's jumping of joy when they get their BFP. I did too on the boards and in my blog - but deep down - I've NEVER jumped for joy. I'm envious of their happiness, even though I'm HAPPY. I'm envious of their joy. I'm envious that they seem to automatically believe that "it worked, they've accomplished what they set out to do" when I can't seem to get there. Yes, I realize i'm pregnant - there's NO way this morning sickness is in my head (although i swear i think that daily) maybe it's just cause i'm so damn sick that i have a harder time believing, because I haven't had a chance to "be myself". Maybe it's cause i'm a sucker for punishement and that I have a hard time believing good things can happen to me. Maybe it's because after 2 1/2 years and realizing that we CANNOT get pregnant - that it worked at all is too much for my brain to absorb. Maybe the same 2 1/2 yrs robbed me of my old self and in place put this bitter woman who no longer has the ability to believe.
I'm 8w2d pregnant. Tomorrow I see my family dr. for the first time since Nov. I need a referral to a high risk OB (since i'm carrying twins) I think I will beg for her to send me for an ultrasound, to put my mind at ease. I'm also going to have to ask for medication for the morning sickness - something I never ever wanted to take - BUT I never expected it to be THIS horrible 24/7. I need the possibility of functioning like a normal human being once in a while. That's if i'm lucky to have it work. It will be a last resort thing - if i have to take it.
I've also decided to take my vacation in the form of fridays off. That would mean that I would be working 3 days a week (i only work 4 days a week at my day job) for about 3 months. That should do me some good. I've also decided to stop taking clients in my business - because I can no longer manage. I'm too sick now - and chances are i'll be too miserable by the time I wont be sick anymore. I can't even make an annoucement saying why yet - because I haven't reached the end of my first trimester.
Morning sickness is as bad as it will get now I think. I'm not vomitting - so it could get worse - but most days I can hardly move i'm so nauseated. I wonder how anybody gets through their days feeling like this. Yesterday I had to take yet another sick day - and I couldn't get up all day. At one point I felt like a total loser so i MADE myself sit up for a while... 2 minutes later I was lying down again - not able to tolerate the pain of sitting up. THAT's how nauseous i am.
EVERYTHING food wise looks/smells horrible. Yesterday I caught myself yearning for the old days - the days where I wasn't sick all the time... I was watching tv (yet again!) and found myself jealous of those on TV... they seemed to manage to go on with their lives like they didn't feel like throwing up every second of the day. Damn them.
In all of that - I count my blessings that I AM pregnant. IT WORKED. Still - I crave believing in it. I wish I could accept the fact that it's TRUE, I'm pregnant. I read IF boards and everybody's jumping of joy when they get their BFP. I did too on the boards and in my blog - but deep down - I've NEVER jumped for joy. I'm envious of their happiness, even though I'm HAPPY. I'm envious of their joy. I'm envious that they seem to automatically believe that "it worked, they've accomplished what they set out to do" when I can't seem to get there. Yes, I realize i'm pregnant - there's NO way this morning sickness is in my head (although i swear i think that daily) maybe it's just cause i'm so damn sick that i have a harder time believing, because I haven't had a chance to "be myself". Maybe it's cause i'm a sucker for punishement and that I have a hard time believing good things can happen to me. Maybe it's because after 2 1/2 years and realizing that we CANNOT get pregnant - that it worked at all is too much for my brain to absorb. Maybe the same 2 1/2 yrs robbed me of my old self and in place put this bitter woman who no longer has the ability to believe.
I'm 8w2d pregnant. Tomorrow I see my family dr. for the first time since Nov. I need a referral to a high risk OB (since i'm carrying twins) I think I will beg for her to send me for an ultrasound, to put my mind at ease. I'm also going to have to ask for medication for the morning sickness - something I never ever wanted to take - BUT I never expected it to be THIS horrible 24/7. I need the possibility of functioning like a normal human being once in a while. That's if i'm lucky to have it work. It will be a last resort thing - if i have to take it.
I've also decided to take my vacation in the form of fridays off. That would mean that I would be working 3 days a week (i only work 4 days a week at my day job) for about 3 months. That should do me some good. I've also decided to stop taking clients in my business - because I can no longer manage. I'm too sick now - and chances are i'll be too miserable by the time I wont be sick anymore. I can't even make an annoucement saying why yet - because I haven't reached the end of my first trimester.
posted by Winnifred at 12:53 PM
3 Comments:
Ambivalence comes with the territory I think. I'm sorry you're feeling so nauseous, but not sorry for the reason why. :-)
Take care.
I feel for you; that feeling of nausea mixed with constant worry is just unexplainable. It will get better, but I know that hearing that doesn't help right now. Hang in there.
I am sorry you are so nauseous. I am that way right now but because of a stomach flu:( Only 4 more weeks and it should get better.
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