12dp5dt - still waiting on the BETA
but i'm obviously not pregnant. I POAS yesterday before my blood work -- not a HINT of a line. NADA.
I can't believe it. I was ready for my embryos to not make it for whatever reason.... but at this point it's MY FAULT. We transfered a GREAT and a GOOD embryo. That dr. gave me HOPE DAMN IT.
I cannot stop crying - the ugly cry. I've never been HERE. Last time was a fresh cycle and we were blessed. Now -- we've wasted about 2000$ on nothing but PAIN. We're now going to have to spend 12 000-15 000$ on BLIND FAITH that it MIGHT work again - because frankly - at this point i'm thinking the first time was a fluke.
I should shut up and count my blessings - I KNOW I AM BLESSED. I know this. But it doesn't NOT make me feel HORRIBLE. It doesn't take away all the pain. i still feel like a failure.
I feel like I was aborted against my will. I feel like I was pregnant -- and now i'm not. I feel like somebody is stabbing me every 2.4 seconds of every day and night. I can't sleep but yet I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm DEVESTATED.
I have NEVER tried to imagine how I might feel if it didn't work. But i never expected THIS. I thought that I would feel like "SHIT - it didn't work" but that's not anywhere close to how i feel. I don't feel like "this didn't work" I feel like "I DIDN'T MAKE IT WORK. I LET OUR EMBRYOS DIE" I feel like these are babies we'll never get to meet -- and I never ever thought i'd feel like THAT.
I know the tears will eventually stop - as they always do -- but i'm not sure when the hurt will subside.
I wish the damn clinic would just call with my damn results. so I can stop analyzing everybody's beta results at which "day past transfer" giving myself glimmers of hope that shouldn't be. Seriously -- it's over.
ETA: They finally called. 26 hours after I took the damn test. It's..... negative. how surprising.
I can't believe it. I was ready for my embryos to not make it for whatever reason.... but at this point it's MY FAULT. We transfered a GREAT and a GOOD embryo. That dr. gave me HOPE DAMN IT.
I cannot stop crying - the ugly cry. I've never been HERE. Last time was a fresh cycle and we were blessed. Now -- we've wasted about 2000$ on nothing but PAIN. We're now going to have to spend 12 000-15 000$ on BLIND FAITH that it MIGHT work again - because frankly - at this point i'm thinking the first time was a fluke.
I should shut up and count my blessings - I KNOW I AM BLESSED. I know this. But it doesn't NOT make me feel HORRIBLE. It doesn't take away all the pain. i still feel like a failure.
I feel like I was aborted against my will. I feel like I was pregnant -- and now i'm not. I feel like somebody is stabbing me every 2.4 seconds of every day and night. I can't sleep but yet I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm DEVESTATED.
I have NEVER tried to imagine how I might feel if it didn't work. But i never expected THIS. I thought that I would feel like "SHIT - it didn't work" but that's not anywhere close to how i feel. I don't feel like "this didn't work" I feel like "I DIDN'T MAKE IT WORK. I LET OUR EMBRYOS DIE" I feel like these are babies we'll never get to meet -- and I never ever thought i'd feel like THAT.
I know the tears will eventually stop - as they always do -- but i'm not sure when the hurt will subside.
I wish the damn clinic would just call with my damn results. so I can stop analyzing everybody's beta results at which "day past transfer" giving myself glimmers of hope that shouldn't be. Seriously -- it's over.
ETA: They finally called. 26 hours after I took the damn test. It's..... negative. how surprising.
posted by Winnifred at 11:26 AM
4 Comments:
Sorry to hear this.
But by the way, there is no reason to believe you have killed your embryos. Just because they look good, doesn't mean they are capable of implanting - if there was perfect science behind that, we'd never have to go through a failed cycle.
I'm sorry about the money aspect. But you still have great chances.
I'm so so sorry. There just aren't words.
I'm here from cyclesistas. so so sorry that it's not looking hopeful. the disappointment is all consuming. having been there it is always worse than I think it will be. I'm 8dp3dt and testing negative. feeling really down about it too.
try not to blame yourself. YOU didn't make the cycle fail. Remember even embryos that "look" perfect are often abnormal. we've transferred perfect blasts before and gotten preg only to find out there were terrible (fatal) hromosomal probs. It is not you. there is so much luck involved.
Mo
i was just wondering how u were doing...
TAPSHOE
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