lack of concentration
It's saturday afternoon. It's cold - there's loads of snow. I have a fire place & footloose is on TV. I have a good book to read too. And my husband rushed out to get me more tea (no idea how i managed to run out!) before heading out to his hockey game, because he's the best. THAT is my ideal "cozy" time... and I can't even focus on the movie. I'm so out of it.
Today is CD1 - AF showed up in full force this morning. I was SERIOUSLY stressing because i've been spotting for 3 days - and yesterday more than the other 2 and I thought "maybe this is my period and i'm going to ruin this cycle by not callng the clinic??" but no... this morning it was confirmed that in fact, my period started today. At least i have no more doubts, right? Wrong. I'm still stressing about it. Oh well. Last night I was stressing SO much - I couldn't read at all. I had my novel in front of me - and I swear I read the same page 5 times. The only time that happens to me is when i'm faling asleep and i'm too stuborn to admit it and put my book away... when I really want to keep reading even though I'm smart enough to know that really I can't. Last night, I struggled to make the words go in my head, and I couldn't. I wasn't sleepy. I was stressed - which in turn turned to agrivation. I swear this journey is a rainbow of emotions - all experienced in a short time. I could have succeeded in life without this rainbow. I'm convinced.
I have an appointment at 10h30 on Monday morning for my first ultrasound. Then either Friday (the 13th, great!) or Saturday (14) for my second ultrasound. At that point they may be able to tell us when they'll do the retrieval.
To say i'm scared would be an under statement. I'm terrified. It's like it just hit me that i'm weeks away from finding out if in fact my dh and I can have biological children TOGETHER. That's huge. I'm 100% ok with adoption, but bioligical would be nice... and I know that it will absolutely devestate my dh if we can't have them together. He's ok with adoption or sperm donor - he's fine with it... BUT it will HURT him more than any of this has hurt so far. It can't happen. I believe that this sucks enough - we've cried our fair share of tears, we deserve to be able to have children TOGETHER.
So I'm about a week to 1 1/2 weeks away from my first shot. OUTCH. I don't mind the shots really - I just mind that I cannot imagine myself giving them to myself. And I'm guessing it will stress my dh out to give them to me - although he will do it. All togheter: another stressful component. To think that I'll "hopefully" be on those for 3 months! (hopefully because that would be a BFP!!)
I allowed myself to check the online IVF calendars that predict due dates. I let myself. I swore I wouldn't - but i did. I have ZERO self control these days. We will HOPEFULLY become parents around Thanksgiving... Oct 8-11th or something like that. HOPEFULLY. Then I allowed myself to think that that would be a great time to be pregnant... the "worse" month (the last one!) would be in Sept when it starts to cool down... and my biggest months other than that I could wear summer clothes... flipflops... skirts... hippy clothes! That would be great. And then I realized that I shouldn't hold on to that mental image. I'M NOT PREGNANT. Not yet.
Today is CD1 - AF showed up in full force this morning. I was SERIOUSLY stressing because i've been spotting for 3 days - and yesterday more than the other 2 and I thought "maybe this is my period and i'm going to ruin this cycle by not callng the clinic??" but no... this morning it was confirmed that in fact, my period started today. At least i have no more doubts, right? Wrong. I'm still stressing about it. Oh well. Last night I was stressing SO much - I couldn't read at all. I had my novel in front of me - and I swear I read the same page 5 times. The only time that happens to me is when i'm faling asleep and i'm too stuborn to admit it and put my book away... when I really want to keep reading even though I'm smart enough to know that really I can't. Last night, I struggled to make the words go in my head, and I couldn't. I wasn't sleepy. I was stressed - which in turn turned to agrivation. I swear this journey is a rainbow of emotions - all experienced in a short time. I could have succeeded in life without this rainbow. I'm convinced.
I have an appointment at 10h30 on Monday morning for my first ultrasound. Then either Friday (the 13th, great!) or Saturday (14) for my second ultrasound. At that point they may be able to tell us when they'll do the retrieval.
To say i'm scared would be an under statement. I'm terrified. It's like it just hit me that i'm weeks away from finding out if in fact my dh and I can have biological children TOGETHER. That's huge. I'm 100% ok with adoption, but bioligical would be nice... and I know that it will absolutely devestate my dh if we can't have them together. He's ok with adoption or sperm donor - he's fine with it... BUT it will HURT him more than any of this has hurt so far. It can't happen. I believe that this sucks enough - we've cried our fair share of tears, we deserve to be able to have children TOGETHER.
So I'm about a week to 1 1/2 weeks away from my first shot. OUTCH. I don't mind the shots really - I just mind that I cannot imagine myself giving them to myself. And I'm guessing it will stress my dh out to give them to me - although he will do it. All togheter: another stressful component. To think that I'll "hopefully" be on those for 3 months! (hopefully because that would be a BFP!!)
I allowed myself to check the online IVF calendars that predict due dates. I let myself. I swore I wouldn't - but i did. I have ZERO self control these days. We will HOPEFULLY become parents around Thanksgiving... Oct 8-11th or something like that. HOPEFULLY. Then I allowed myself to think that that would be a great time to be pregnant... the "worse" month (the last one!) would be in Sept when it starts to cool down... and my biggest months other than that I could wear summer clothes... flipflops... skirts... hippy clothes! That would be great. And then I realized that I shouldn't hold on to that mental image. I'M NOT PREGNANT. Not yet.
posted by Winnifred at 2:33 PM
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