Out of patience. Completely.
I *think* i was feeling the effects of the injections this week... I had a melt down about how it seems that exactly this week I ran out of patience over this WHOLE journey... that everything sucked before - but now it's intolerable and as I said the words to my dh I realized that it was probably the effects of the injections - i've been on them since friday the 27th. Perhaps not - but seriously - it's weird to me that I can pinpoint when my patience ran out, don't you find? Usually things like that happen over time - not "this week" kind of thing... at least not for me. Anyways - shortly after this breakdown of mine I had a major hotflash - i was sweating.... which is another sign of the injections.
Other than that - i've had really bad headaches... but those i can manage with WAY easier than mood swings....
I went to church this morning because my MIL and SIL were being confirmed. I have been in a really odd mood - and I knew I probably should stay in bed... and sure enough, i felt like crying through most of the service... not sure why. And then there was a gathering and I told my husband i didn't want to go - but "they" all finally agreed to 10 minutes... and I almost burst into tears walking into the room. Today is just NOT a sociable day for me - and at these "things" I'm always meeting about a million people. NOT what i wanted today at all. Finally - after 30 seconds I told my dh that either we were leaving or I was walking back (not a far walk - but with all the rain we've had it wouldn't have been a comfortable walk...) Anyways - finally he realized i needed to leave.
We also got our bill this week... One lump sum - zero details... I found it kind of odd... anyways 8000$ for one attempt at a baby. We're not under financial stress at this point - we happened to have savings... so this isn't a big deal - although it still hurts. It still sucks. It's still weird. It doesn't seem "right".
I also have this overwhelming feeling of "this will NOT work" for some reason... and i have to stop doing that... i think it's because of the injections - i think it's playing a huge number on my mood/emotions... I wish it wasn't so - but something doesn't seem 'normal' so i'm going to 'blame' the injections. I also realize that this is most likely my defense mechanism... which is rediculous really. To be so certain it wont work - just so that I don't hurt as bad if it turns out to be true is crazy... I need to pray and hope with everything i've got that it does work. But then what if it doesn't? There's no "good way" to build a defense against this apparently...
I have to stop being so negative.......... this might work. this can work. It works for many people. We too can get a BFP.... we CAN.
[sorry for the depressing ramblings....]
Other than that - i've had really bad headaches... but those i can manage with WAY easier than mood swings....
I went to church this morning because my MIL and SIL were being confirmed. I have been in a really odd mood - and I knew I probably should stay in bed... and sure enough, i felt like crying through most of the service... not sure why. And then there was a gathering and I told my husband i didn't want to go - but "they" all finally agreed to 10 minutes... and I almost burst into tears walking into the room. Today is just NOT a sociable day for me - and at these "things" I'm always meeting about a million people. NOT what i wanted today at all. Finally - after 30 seconds I told my dh that either we were leaving or I was walking back (not a far walk - but with all the rain we've had it wouldn't have been a comfortable walk...) Anyways - finally he realized i needed to leave.
We also got our bill this week... One lump sum - zero details... I found it kind of odd... anyways 8000$ for one attempt at a baby. We're not under financial stress at this point - we happened to have savings... so this isn't a big deal - although it still hurts. It still sucks. It's still weird. It doesn't seem "right".
I also have this overwhelming feeling of "this will NOT work" for some reason... and i have to stop doing that... i think it's because of the injections - i think it's playing a huge number on my mood/emotions... I wish it wasn't so - but something doesn't seem 'normal' so i'm going to 'blame' the injections. I also realize that this is most likely my defense mechanism... which is rediculous really. To be so certain it wont work - just so that I don't hurt as bad if it turns out to be true is crazy... I need to pray and hope with everything i've got that it does work. But then what if it doesn't? There's no "good way" to build a defense against this apparently...
I have to stop being so negative.......... this might work. this can work. It works for many people. We too can get a BFP.... we CAN.
[sorry for the depressing ramblings....]
posted by Winnifred at 11:52 AM
5 Comments:
I hear ya.
I am having the headaches, the hot flushes, the weird feelings.
I swing between such amazing hope and desperate, negative feelings of failure. All this could be for nothing. I am usually quite an optomist, but since injecting I am CRANKY & tired and did I mention Cranky? Boo.
The side effects can be very frustrating. I know it's hard to be hopeful and believe it can work. I think we all feel this way and it's partly self-preservation.
You're doing the same thing I do - defensive pessimism. You try and think the worst will happen so you aren't disappointed if it does.
You are right though, BFP do happen so there is no reason it won't happen for you!
I haven't started my first cycle yet but if the cycle mood swings are worse then my PMS mood swings, I feel sorry for my husband. I am sorry you had a bad day yesturday.
This is a trying time for you, and I hope it works out.
The next person that tells me to just do IVF, I'm sending over here.
I can't do patience. I think a little defensive pessimism is no bad thing, but don't deny yourself a teeny bit of hope. I think we need hope sometimes to get us through the day.
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