It was my fault...
I thought i'd share HOW exactly everybody found out we're doing IVF. I had ZERO intentions of sharing with my extended family that we did IVF. I'm not ashamed of having gone this route - but I think it's a very personal jouney and I didn't believe that we needed to share. I re-read my post and realize I made it sound like my dh is cold about the whole situation - but really - he's not... he REALLY didn't want them to know about IVF either (as they ALSO know that it's because of MFI - but then again that means nothing to them...) anyways...
when we first found out we had "issues" I told my parents... and I did NOT ask them to keep quiet... if you knew my parents, like me, you would have ASSUMED they would NEVER have shared such a thing. Well, the next day I find out through my sister that my parents were sharing. My mom told a few aunts (which would have been FINE, these aunts are like second moms to me - and those ones I would have been ok with them knowing - they wouldn't have shared with the world...) and my dad shared..... with my grandma. THAT was the damn mistake. Everybody knows that grandma can't know ANYTHING without sharing with the world.
So just like that - by not asking my parents to keep something private private - when I was 100% positive they WOULD without being asked I was screwed. My dh looked like he was going to cry when we realized that EVERYBODY knew. Just a quick approx. of how many people that is.... easily 80+ people. Ok - maybe they don't ALL know - but most of them do.
So how do you rectify a situation like this when you're to blame? Maybe I could mail them all an etiquette book? WHAT IS POLITE, and WHAT IS NOT? The next time it "gets to me" I'm going to tell my parents to undo what they did... that I do not care HOW but if they care for me to attend any family functions people are going to have to behave like adults. At the very least - they need to start keeping it to themselves... and understand that no, as much as you want it to be because you gossip like crazy - my repreductive history is NOT and will NOT be a topic of discussion at family gatherings. period. Do upon others as you would like others to do upon yourself is something I try to live by - and NEVER would I have the guts to be so rude to ANYBODY. It's not cause i'm the grand daughter/niece/cousin/sister that they can have so little respect. What really doesn't help is my mother not being able to understand at all how much this hurts. How much the journey hurt and how having everybody talking about it - especially when i'm there - hurts. If (and when, cause i feel it's coming) I do tell her that I cannot stand visiting with family who talk about it all the time - she wont get it. She'll act like it's pregnancy hormones and that I need to grow up. It hurt long before I was pregnant..... why can't she see that?
I was talking (more like venting) to a friend who said it was just cause they don't understand... and then I made her realize that even if she didn't understand she wouldn't behave like that either. ever. she agreed. They're just meddlers, they get into anybody's business and never think about how it may impact the person in question - and in this case both of us.
Another thing that completely bugs me is everybody who's not pregnant seems to find it hillarious to blame any reaction of mine -- on any topic -- on hormones. First, it's not true. Sure, i'm hormonal - but I react to things i would have reacted to prior to pregnancy. I still have a mind for goodness sake - apparently i'm to become a yes man in order to avoid those comments? AND THEN - like it's not bad enough they seem to need to say it over and over and over "oh it's just the pregnancy hormones...." again... and again.... and again.... Um - if you knew anything about pregnancy hormones you'd know that you're seriously PISSING ME OFF right now?? HELLO?
On a positive note.... I've made it to 10w today! double digits! 1/4 of the way there! Still playing phone tag with the high risk clinic which at first was fine - but after more than a week it's getting old and now i'm getting worried that they wont be able to see me during my 12th week. I NEED an appointment - if only for my nerves! (i'm looking forward to my next u/s to know that the monkeys are still doing well :) right now, i'm basically guessing!)
THANK YOU to everybody who's replied... It's great to know i'm not alone - or crazy! :)
when we first found out we had "issues" I told my parents... and I did NOT ask them to keep quiet... if you knew my parents, like me, you would have ASSUMED they would NEVER have shared such a thing. Well, the next day I find out through my sister that my parents were sharing. My mom told a few aunts (which would have been FINE, these aunts are like second moms to me - and those ones I would have been ok with them knowing - they wouldn't have shared with the world...) and my dad shared..... with my grandma. THAT was the damn mistake. Everybody knows that grandma can't know ANYTHING without sharing with the world.
So just like that - by not asking my parents to keep something private private - when I was 100% positive they WOULD without being asked I was screwed. My dh looked like he was going to cry when we realized that EVERYBODY knew. Just a quick approx. of how many people that is.... easily 80+ people. Ok - maybe they don't ALL know - but most of them do.
So how do you rectify a situation like this when you're to blame? Maybe I could mail them all an etiquette book? WHAT IS POLITE, and WHAT IS NOT? The next time it "gets to me" I'm going to tell my parents to undo what they did... that I do not care HOW but if they care for me to attend any family functions people are going to have to behave like adults. At the very least - they need to start keeping it to themselves... and understand that no, as much as you want it to be because you gossip like crazy - my repreductive history is NOT and will NOT be a topic of discussion at family gatherings. period. Do upon others as you would like others to do upon yourself is something I try to live by - and NEVER would I have the guts to be so rude to ANYBODY. It's not cause i'm the grand daughter/niece/cousin/sister that they can have so little respect. What really doesn't help is my mother not being able to understand at all how much this hurts. How much the journey hurt and how having everybody talking about it - especially when i'm there - hurts. If (and when, cause i feel it's coming) I do tell her that I cannot stand visiting with family who talk about it all the time - she wont get it. She'll act like it's pregnancy hormones and that I need to grow up. It hurt long before I was pregnant..... why can't she see that?
I was talking (more like venting) to a friend who said it was just cause they don't understand... and then I made her realize that even if she didn't understand she wouldn't behave like that either. ever. she agreed. They're just meddlers, they get into anybody's business and never think about how it may impact the person in question - and in this case both of us.
Another thing that completely bugs me is everybody who's not pregnant seems to find it hillarious to blame any reaction of mine -- on any topic -- on hormones. First, it's not true. Sure, i'm hormonal - but I react to things i would have reacted to prior to pregnancy. I still have a mind for goodness sake - apparently i'm to become a yes man in order to avoid those comments? AND THEN - like it's not bad enough they seem to need to say it over and over and over "oh it's just the pregnancy hormones...." again... and again.... and again.... Um - if you knew anything about pregnancy hormones you'd know that you're seriously PISSING ME OFF right now?? HELLO?
On a positive note.... I've made it to 10w today! double digits! 1/4 of the way there! Still playing phone tag with the high risk clinic which at first was fine - but after more than a week it's getting old and now i'm getting worried that they wont be able to see me during my 12th week. I NEED an appointment - if only for my nerves! (i'm looking forward to my next u/s to know that the monkeys are still doing well :) right now, i'm basically guessing!)
THANK YOU to everybody who's replied... It's great to know i'm not alone - or crazy! :)
posted by Winnifred at 2:52 PM
4 Comments:
I'm sure the babies are doing just fine.
I hate to hear that your parents outed you like that. We only told my parents and my husband's parents, but due to past experience we knew that we had to tell them not to mention it to a soul, and I don't think they have. This is a situation that only other people that have gone through it can understand.
Winnifred, their insensitivity is majorly unacceptable. (I have been through IVF.) I very reluctantly told only Mom--who likes to turn every issue in my life into something about her--and she did try at first to be noncommittal--if not supportive. But she did revert to finger-shaking.
These people do not understand. One strategy is to ask them if they've ever lost a child. When they look at you blankly, say, "that's what this is like." And it is--I know.
The other strategy is just to coolly turn to them and ask casually, "So how DID it come out with that paternity test with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?" ...Picking on you might not seem so fun any more.
Hey--Winnifred--your pain is definitely felt and understood here.
Peace
I would hate the hormone comments too. I don't think you are out of line to tell people that they are being insensitive.
You can't believe I'm at retrieval and I can't believe you are 10 weeks already. It seems like yesturday you were waiting for your beta. I am so happy to here that the pg is going well.
Thanks for your kind words on my blog. It's nice to know that others have been there too. Congrats for being 10w pg with twins!! I love success stories!
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