Damn hormones.

I'm sitting at work - and i can't stop crying. I'm going home soon - taking the afternoon off sick cause i can't function... why you ask? NO IDEA - other than my hormones are probably completely out of whack right now?? who knows. I had a HORRIBLE evening last night... I had to drive home myself (which RARELY happens) and after a full day of sitting on my butt i can hardly drive. I was in SO SO SO much pain, i was almost in tears when I got home. My movement isn't restricted (otherwise i would obviously NOT drive) but going from gas to break is PAINFUL :( and just sitting in the car is painful. ARH.

So i got home and seemed to throw everything off. I couldn't do ANYTHING - i was just in pain and in a bad mood. I've spent months doing nothing - now i finally have energy back and STILL i could do nothing. I went to bed crying.

This morning I thought of staying home - but i was still in a weird mood and thought that as much as I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to stay home either. Isn't that PATHETIC?? So i came to work... and now i'm going home. I think what i'd love most to do today, on the first day of summer and it's a beautiful day here would be take my dog on a long hike in the park... BUT.... of course I can hardly walk AND i can't walk my dog ANYWHERE - he pulls way too much.

So i sit here and cry. My dh came in my office awhile ago - i lost it. Finally got it back together and 2 seconds later he calls me from his office, i lose it again. I NEED to go home - before i lose it on somebody else. (by losing it i mean break down in tears)

I also spent last night FREAKING out at what the future might hold. Not the kids - but the staying at home/part time business thing. I've worked SO HARD for this... THIS is the plan. It's been the plan for YEARS now (since it took us so long to get here!) I AM TALENTED - AND I CAN DO THIS... but yet with the pregnancy hormones I doubt myself to the point of tears. I fear failure more than anything else... and i'm afraid right now that that's where i'm headed... although at the same time, i have no real reason to believe that. ARH.

I was doing so well - is it that it's getting to me that i'm TRYING to enjoy this pregnancy? Am i NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY - even for a few days? Are the stars SO against me that they can't just "let me be"?

At this rate - i'm thinking i'll need tomorrow off as well. And then friday morning is shot because of our u/s appointment - so i'll have to tolerate friday afternoon... I think i can manage. Shitty part is that i should be keeping my sick leave for when i'll need to go OFF work completely... I want to avoid the reduced pay of disability. But since I can't function at the moment - i'm MUCH better off at home.

Here's that photo mention in yesterday's post... even that doesn't make me smile today - and I LOVE that little girl more than anything right now! The real photo does have my head in it - but i chopped it off for the blog! Anyways - I find i look MUCH more pregnant than i actually look - photos do that sometimes!