It only hurts when I breathe.
"It only hurts when I breathe."
(from a shania twain song...)
that's how it feels right now.
it hurts all the time. 100% of the time. I'm in SO much emotional pain -- it's indescribable.
I thought I was living hell when I realized that my fresh cycle (10,000$+) hadn't worked. But I was holding on hope of eventually doing a FET with the embyros from that same cycle... and if those didn't work - at least it would be distributing the failure over a few cycles in a way.
I finally managed to talk to somebody at the clinic.
NONE of my embryos made it to freezing. How this happened is beyond me -- I had TEN more on the day of the transfer. Oh -- and why I find this out THREE weeks after they should have been frozen is also a huge source of frustration. Maybe they don't call if there's nothing to freeze -- but you'd think they'd tell you THAT? and return your calls???
It's like we've gone from semi-infertile to FULLY infertile. I've never felt this much pain, ever.
I'm scared. Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an 'urgent' apt. with my family dr. for a referal to a pschycologist. I NEED to speak to somebody. I don't really know how to get through the days anymore.... I just want to cry - all.day.long. :(
Of course we're also left wondering how could it POSSIBLY be that we had 12 or so embyros on the day of the transfer and that two of them happened to be 'perfect' (dr's words) and the rest isn't good enough to make it to day 5? That seems unlikely to me -- but I could be wrong since i'm obviously not a medical professional.
I feel like I never dealt with the failure of the FET - I just ignored the emotions after a while holding on to the fact that i'd most likely be pregnant with THIS fresh cycle...... so now it's like I'm dealing with the failure feelings that stems back to Nov. That's a hole lot of bagage. It's a new fresh failure -- but it's old at the same time. I guess that is exactly what happens to couples who fight this fight for a long time before success (or if ever even). Every failure is an extra 'notch'...
This week is going to be painfully difficult.
(from a shania twain song...)
that's how it feels right now.
it hurts all the time. 100% of the time. I'm in SO much emotional pain -- it's indescribable.
I thought I was living hell when I realized that my fresh cycle (10,000$+) hadn't worked. But I was holding on hope of eventually doing a FET with the embyros from that same cycle... and if those didn't work - at least it would be distributing the failure over a few cycles in a way.
I finally managed to talk to somebody at the clinic.
NONE of my embryos made it to freezing. How this happened is beyond me -- I had TEN more on the day of the transfer. Oh -- and why I find this out THREE weeks after they should have been frozen is also a huge source of frustration. Maybe they don't call if there's nothing to freeze -- but you'd think they'd tell you THAT? and return your calls???
It's like we've gone from semi-infertile to FULLY infertile. I've never felt this much pain, ever.
I'm scared. Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an 'urgent' apt. with my family dr. for a referal to a pschycologist. I NEED to speak to somebody. I don't really know how to get through the days anymore.... I just want to cry - all.day.long. :(
Of course we're also left wondering how could it POSSIBLY be that we had 12 or so embyros on the day of the transfer and that two of them happened to be 'perfect' (dr's words) and the rest isn't good enough to make it to day 5? That seems unlikely to me -- but I could be wrong since i'm obviously not a medical professional.
I feel like I never dealt with the failure of the FET - I just ignored the emotions after a while holding on to the fact that i'd most likely be pregnant with THIS fresh cycle...... so now it's like I'm dealing with the failure feelings that stems back to Nov. That's a hole lot of bagage. It's a new fresh failure -- but it's old at the same time. I guess that is exactly what happens to couples who fight this fight for a long time before success (or if ever even). Every failure is an extra 'notch'...
This week is going to be painfully difficult.
posted by Winnifred at 8:46 PM
4 Comments:
I'm so sorry that your cycle didn't work. It's completely heart breaking, but hang in there. We did IVF/ICSI - on day 3 we had 14 embryos, 7 of which were "good" or "great". We put 2 in of day 5, and none of the other 12 made it to the freezer. I've decided that some clinics have extremely strict standards for freezing b/c the have to report statistics related to the freeze/thaw process to SART, and they don't want to risk lowering their stats. Sucks for us though.
*I know that you're really suffering right now. Just in case you were considering visiting my blog - I wanted to warn you that our IVF/ICSI worked - so please don't visit if will add to your suffering.
I'm sorry you're cycle was such a bust. All failures hurt, but I think the financial element just amplifies the stress many times over.
I hope you find someone who can help you through.
I am really sorry that your cycle didn't work, and that your heart is hurting so bad. I hope you have been able to get into your dr to get someone to talk with...Otherwise, at least keep talking with us about it. Although we can't answer the medical questions, we can offer support...thinking of you
I have been away from the blogging world for a while, so I'm just now reading all of this. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and I pray that the time between then and now has somehow made it a little easier to handle. (I moved my blog...hence the new name/new link)
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