Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Tired of this confused state.

Daily I convince myself that it did not work, that I am not pregant. I do so I think to minimize the blow that could very well be coming. BUT then I flip flop to 'but of course it might have worked... if there was no chance at all, why would we have cycled?'. So there's a chance. I could be. But I'm not. I can't be. Can I?

I hate it. I feel like i need to be WAY more hopeful but at the same time, I feel like if I'm ALL hope -- I'll crash harder IF in fact it's negative.

Worse? I can visualize the damn positive on the HPT. Which means really, I'm not fully believing it didn't work --- which means I'll fall from as far as humanly possible.

But then, maybe that's the only way to be. How can a negative result after 10,000$ and loads of pain and loads of injections and loads of praying and dreaming -- how can you possibly fall from 'half way to the top' for example? I'm guessing it's an all or nothing, every cycle. DAMN IT.

I had a glimmer of hope on Sunday because I had symptoms of carpal tunnel quite badly. my hand went fully numb on me. The only time in my life that ever happened, you guessed it, was when I was pregnant. it went away with delivery. I have read that it can be because of an hormonal imbalance. Progesterone + Estrogen. Um, the 2 hormones I'm on. What if.... I've caused an imbalance so great my body cannot become pregnant?

I'm still crampy. I get localized 'cramping/pain' in my right side. So specific that it gives me hope that perhaps an embryo has attached to that side?? or perhaps my ovary was poked a little too much and it's just pain from that.

I hate not knowing. but worse, I hate knowing that this was my last chance. I didn't know that until the day we transfered. But that day it became incredibly clear to me that our odds had gone from what we thought were 50%ish to a rough personal-not-medical-opinion of say maybe 18%. That day I realized that my husband had wondered how long we could do this before realizing that we owed our family more than trying and trying and throwing all our money away over something that could very well never EVER happen again. I haven't told him that I now realize WHEN that is. It's now. It was this cycle. Last cycle was HORRIBLE -- I was sick, all around it was HELL. This one went SO MUCH BETTER -- but yet our numbers sucked. Maybe it's cause I felt "fine" through it that I could see so clearly... maybe it's because I believe three transfers are enough for ME to make up my mind. Who knows. I'll NEVER know.

and I seriously hope with every fibre of my being that this is the last cycle because it completes our family. Not because I believe we've been medically beatten.

please oh please god. please.

9dp2dt and waiting until Sat. to test (12dp2dt)


Blogger Lut C. said...

The 2ww is maddening. The tug-of-war with hope is so difficult.

The thought that this is your last cycle, that can't help things.

May 06, 2010 3:25 PM  
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November 12, 2011 5:45 AM  

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