16 weeks.

Oh my goodness! 16 weeks pregnant!

I did a quick self portrait yesterday morning - I'm impressed i got it in focus! (tripod + digital camera is not usually my friend!)



Yesterday I went to visit a friend who has a 10 week old... (her third baby!) and her sister was there too - she has a 6 week old... and the babies are the same size now. For about 2 minutes, I got to hold 2 babies - i think more to humour my friend than anything :) oh, and i say 2 minutes because one started to fuss and her mom took her. There was NOTHING i could do - i had my other hand completly full. Oh my goodness... what a reality check! Granted ours will start tiny and by the time they reach that size we will have grown together... and my dh will be home for the first 2 months... and his mom is minutes away if i need her at any point in time... thank goodness! Oh - and we also had to switch babies at one point - and it felt like the friends episode (the finale) where Chandler and Monica want to switch baby and can't figure out how so decide they'll wait till later... it felt like that! HA!AH!

On a seperate note, it's SOOOOOOOO hot here right now - I didn't sleep last night. Today, we're buying an air conditionner. I thought i'd survive - but frankly, i have enough issues sleeping - I don't need to add heat to the mix (it was 28oC in our room last night - and it's still may. It only gets worse :( ) And, I cannot imagine that our babies next summer would be able to sleep either in that much heat - so it's a wise investement. Our room and the nursery is in the "roof" of the house and only has 2 dinky windows at each end of the house for air circulation... stupid design for our area!!

16 weeks pregnant, and finally off the anti-nausea medication... I think i'm going to be ok!! :) We get to see the monkeys on friday and I can't wait :)

hiatus: I guess it's real.

I just updated my business website. I figured I needed to do it fast - because i was getting many requests...

I am currently on maternity leave and I plan to accept sessions in the Fall of 2007.

To be on mat leave at 15weeks sounds kind of crazy - but I couldn't manage with my day job as well... goodness knows i wish it could have been the other way around - but the day job pays well right now... and my days are FINALLY limited there!

In Oct. 2003 when we started TTC I thought my days were limited there. Our goal was always for me to be a stay at home mom/part-time work at home mom until our kids are in school. In August of 2004 we figured "it can't be TOO far off, can it?" so I started working 4 days a week - so i could focus on my business. We thought it would be quite temporary. It's going on TWO years. FINALLY, now - in 3 months probably I'll be leaving that job for good. It would have felt more real 2 1/2 yrs ago than it does now, i'm sure. But it's true: after 8 yrs at that computer job - i'll finally be living what I want to live. Imagine?

On the flip side, my art has REALLY evolved in that time period - time that I wouldn't have had to dedicate to my craft. I'm thrilled at where my work is now - and happy I got to do the journey. Still not happy it took what it took for me to get there. I once told my SIL that... to which she answered "everything happens for a reason..." WHICH I STRONGLY DO NOT BELIEVE IN. No way was my infertility for me to evolve in my photography. I would have gotten to the same point, just on a different schedule. I guess the same can be said about parenthood for us - but I don't appreciate the journey i took to get to that. I have learned a whole lot on this journey - but still, if I had the choice: we'd be fertile.

I cannot WAIT to start up my business again in the fall of 2007. I already miss it... but i know that the next year will be exciting and worth the hiatus.

15w2d pregnant, but looking more like 25 weeks! Oh - and I haven't seen blood in a few days... maybe it's behind me! Either way - we see the babies in one week from tomorrow - can't wait! lets hope it's all cleared up and they send me on my merry way to a "regular" OB instead of highrisk! :)

Adoption?

I know - weird topic for a woman who's currently pregnant to get excited about - but i'm excited. My dh this morning said "Maybe for our fourth we could adopt?" OMG!!! I NEVER thought i'd hear him say that... to which he follows... "I never thought i'd feel like that..." but he does! He even said maybe if our FET in 2-3 years doesn't work we could think about it then. We know adoption has heartaches as well - we're not naive... But I think avoiding the physical hell would be good. We'll see. Before I knew we'd have fertility issues I wanted to adopt... I've always wanted to adopt... So if we could adopt as well as having our own - that would be my "ideal" and I'm just so thankful that my dh finally feels like that.

Thanks to those who replied about me not feeling like I belong... I KNOW that many have written about that as well... and I know many will write about it in the future... It's just that I guess I didn't anticipate sharing those feelings - even though I should have. I seem to live way too much with the "that wont happen to me" mindset - which I can't comprehend. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY think that about ANYTHING? Infertility wasn't supposed to happen to us either... BUT IT DID.

We ended up going to the family gathering on Saturday... I found the couch and sat on it ALL day. It was "ok" although my butt was quite sore.... and I sat for more hours than I normally do and I walked a tiny bit more than i normally do (although i really didn't walk much) anyways - sure enough, woke up sunday: bleeding. Nothing "major" but way more blood than i wanted/needed to see. I should have stayed home saturday.

I bought awesome new shoes on Sat morning. I've never spent so much on a pair of SHOES... But i'm hoping they last a REALLY long time! AND i really needed comfy slip on shoes for my pregnancy... IF i don't swell too much I might be able to wear them till Oct/Nov when I give birth... I hate tying shoes on a good day - but when i'll be THAT pregnant there's just NO way i'll want to tie shoes!


Oh... and I managed to scratch a potential name off our baby name list... I really like the name Julianne, but my dh doesn't really like it. Anyways - this week-end I saw one of my cousin's and his gf - and I had forgotten that was her name. I don't really like her... so just like that - it's not even an option anymore!

We were talking about names at the party - and I said that as much as I REALLY want the names to be bilingual (french/english) it's becoming quite difficult to do so for the boys... I just can't find anything I like that's in both languages. I knew this would kind of annoy my mom but what can I do? I REALLY can't find anything - and besides, they're my babies! ANYWAYS... She said "well, look at all your ancestors you should find something..." (cause we like old names) and I said i haven't found anything... and she said "what about his grandparents?" and I said, well his grandmother has the same name as me - so that's out - but his grandfather's name is the only name we have for boys right now: James. THEN i said "and we REALLY like Seamus" to which my mom replies "I LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT NAME"... apparently earlier in the week she was just telling people she works with how much she loves that name (cause it was on a list of names that relate to her job somehow!) anyways... it was funny... So just like that, 2 very english names and I'm nearly convinced that those are our names :) (if they're boys of course!) for girls it's Catherine & Elizabeth (Cate/Cat & Ellie for short - I want to call them by their long names - but i'd rather set their nicknames instead of having kids in the class do it!)

15 weeks pregnant, and physically exhausted. I woke up this morning and felt as though I had ran all night long... my muscles are all sore... it's weird really... maybe my "self imposed somewhat bedrest" has caught up with me...

New Look!

I wanted to change the look of the blog when I got pregnant... but since I have been feeling like i don't belong in either the "IF Club" or the "Pregnancy Club" it's been hard. I know for fellow IF'ers my blog might bring a little hope, but mostly pain. I know - I've been there: I've read those blogs. Don't get me wrong - I was HAPPY to find success stories - i really needed them... but it basically stopped there. Pregnancy wise... i don't really feel like I belong either. I never thought it would be like this. I thought i'd get the BFP I'd been PRAYING for for YEARS and I would be HAPPY. I even told my close girlfriends that I was having them over for a "girls night" when it happened because I would be over the moon... I have yet to hook up with them - and i'm 14+ weeks pregnant.

It's weird to no longer belong, or to feel like I no longer belong. I read blogs and I cry when IVF (or other treatements) doesn't work for them. I read pregnancy blogs for people that achieved pregnancy "according to their master plan" and I can't relate: I get upset.

IF is a lonely journey - and it doesn't stop with a BFP. It goes well beyond. To those still trying and reading this - I'm NOT implying i'm hurting as much as you - I guess i'm just venting because I wasn't expecting THIS. Maybe it's in proportion to how long you've suffered... if so, I should have it "easy" enough since although for ME it felt like an eternity - i know many have suffered for much longer.

At least i'm now embrassing the fact that i'm showing. Yesterday, a complete stranger noticed that my friend and I are both expecting... and it was kind of nice. Like "i'm out there, in the open - it's TRUE - even STRANGERS believe it!" Funny to think i'm only 14 weeks and my friend is 34 weeks, but still! :)

This week-end I think i'm going to be attending yet another family function - the same family that annoyed me so much at Easter. All of the above thoughts are probably directly linked to the fact that I'd rather not go. My dh would also rather not go. BUT if I don't go I wont see my sister for months since she's leaving for a summer job. I'd like to see her.

14w3d pregnant and still trying to convince myself that it's true: i'm pregnant and having twins this fall. THIS fall.

Second Trimester

FINALLY: 14 weeks pregnant.

As of today, we can buy baby things. I still have a hard time with that part - apparently it's harder than it seems.

I couldn't sleep last night - and today I'm COMPLETELY brain dead... I'm trying to accomplish work - and I simply cannot. ARH. Something that should have taken me less than an hour to complete will most likely take me all day - isn't that crazy? I can hear my bed calling me.

On a good news front - I got boxes of maternity clothing from a friend and her sister. They're saving me LOADS of money - i'm so unbelievably grateful! AND I was worried that i wouldn't have anything to wear at the end (being that this is a twin pregnancy!) and one of the girls is bigger than me - so i have clothes now that i doubt i'll outgrow (and wont be able to wear for a while!) I'm SO happy. The last thing i wanted to do was get new clothes when i'm 8 months pregnant... BUT staying in joggers for a month or more wasn't my idea of fun either!

For mother's day I got 2 movies on DVD (Erin Brockovich and Notting Hill) well - my dh gave them to me on Friday and said "these are for mother's day and really because you've had a really shitty day - i figured you might enjoy them..."

Other than that - we had his parents & sister over for diner for mother's day - my dh did most of the work since i'm still on somewhat self-imposed bedrest... he made salsa from scratch - it was really really good - but it was funny cause we ended up eating it warm - he never thought making salsa could take so long! (well, especially when HE'S cutting all the veggies! ha!HA!) And we had shrimp & scallops with pasta... overall a great diner! Oh - and my dh made french toast for lunch and decided that was our tradition on mother's day - but that it would be in the morning usually, not for lunch! He thought of making french toast after my bagel was already ready! :)

My mom and my brother wished me a happy mother's day... my sisters on the other hard believe being a mom only starts once you have a physical baby in your arms.

I have a dilemna about godmothers... together we have 3 sisters and we're only having 2 babies this time around. I was thinking of asking both my sisters - but one of them will most likely be away all year (10 months) and I refuse to ask her and have her NOT be able to attend the baptism... AND i am NOT baptising later for her sake. So depending on if she takes the job - i might not ask her. Another thing we need to do soon enough is ask my sister (the one who will be away for the year) if she'd agree to be legal guardian IF anything happened to both my dh & i. I want to have our will finished (well, started and finished!) before the birth of our babies... and it's weird. She's in NO PLACE to have children dumped on her - but frankly - what are the odds something happens to us in the near future or anytime at all? She's the ONLY one we both see leaving our children with. I don't know if she'll agree based on the fact that she's not in the right place right now. I guess another solution would be to have my parents accept to back her up UNTIL then kind of thing - because i refuse to put my parents as guardians - it's NOT their job.

Ok - too heavy of a topic... but i need to spend time/energy thinking about it and doing something about it...!!!

14w pregnant, and still tired!

Blood.

Yes, more blood. NOTHING compared to last time - but still too much for my liking this morning. No accumulation - but everytime i pee the toilet goes red and so does the paper. I don't get it.

More Blood = MORE STRESS.

Took the day off - self-imposed bedrest. I hear of all these women being put on bedrest after bleeding episodes - i'm thinking i can't be TOO SAFE. ever.

Yesterday - I had that feeling something was going to happen again... and then it did: I started vomiting like a mad woman lost all my diner and then some 2+ hrs after eating. First time i was actually physically sick. NOT GOOD. And then I couldn't sleep... why? because while I was sick the ONLY thing i could drink was Coke - it made me feel SOOOO much better... but i drank too much of it - and it's loaded with caffeine. GREAT.

I haven't bled much today - and i think it's just about done. I'm still stressing though. I wish I had a dopler so I could hear my babies... The play i was supposed to go to tonight i'm now skipping - no way could i sit through it. I still have the session tomorrow - I'll BE FINE - unless i wake up with issues - i should be able to go in and out and shoot. Although it's a 4 week old baby - they tend to have a mind of their own... lets hope he's on my side tomorrow.

We have nothing for mother's day. I was planning on skipping out of work at lunchtime just to go pick up something... well, that's not happening obviously. I know they'll understand and it wont be an issue - but i feel horrible - cause it's SO unlike me.
Our yard is starting to look abandoned. Lets hope this week-end we can get out there and do something... nothing more depressing than pulling up to your beautiful home and thinking "goodness it looks like crap!".

Anybody following hockey? The sens are now 1-3 in the series - lets hope they can pull out and go all the way... wouldn't it be great? It's such stressful hockey - i can't even watch right now!!

13w2d

Ok - this week - the thirteenth - has been the longest. I've been dreaming of getting to the 14th - safely into the second trimester and it's just taking forever it seems.

I'm still very sleepy. Last night I feel asleep at 8pm. Woke up at 11:30pm when my dh came to bed (cause i was lying completely across the bed!!) and couldn't fall back asleep?! It really annoyed me - as did the heat in the room - and then i woke up in a bad mood this morning, again. arh.

News is getting around at work. I'm told congratulations often throughout the day... followed by "wow....... two!" and then they always ask how i'm doing... "Great, thanks!" and like many warned... they ALL want to hear how AWEFUL you're doing. Well - all they're getting is "great, thanks".

Friday I have a play to go to (local production) and I have a photo session on Sat. morning. BAD planning with the amount of sleep i require. AND THEN - a birthday diner at my uncles - i'll be asleep before it starts! And then it's mother's day... which i have NOTHING for. Ideas, yes - but have i done anything about it? Um... no. So will my mother and/or MIL get anything for mothers day? unlikely. ARH.

I went to buy film today - and realized how much I'm going to miss my photography while i'm on mat leave (which for that has already started since i couldn't keep up with everything) it's going to be a year and a half before i have clients again... I might go crazy! I need to work on my newsletter and wording to update my website... it's so weird to tell "the world" that I'll be on mat leave... like it can't actually be happening TO ME. I've prayed for this for so long... can it actually be happening?

And then worse - what if i send it out to the world...... and then something happens. I have to stop thinking about that part.

13w2d and ANXIOUSLY waiting for 14w. Only 5 more days.

Love + Marriage & IF

This has been on my mind for a while... and this week-end it was on my mind even more.

My cousin had her baby, 2 weeks overdue, induced which turned into an emergency c-section... not ideal - but then neither is her life at this point. (jobless, single, lives alone, immature) and I was talking to my mom and I said "it must be SO hard on her brother and his wife... seeing as they want a child but can't concieve..." to which my mom answers "it must be hell - are they back together?" um... WHAT? Apparently they've been appart for months (she thinks they may be back together now) and it just drove the point home.

I CANNOT imagine my life without my dh. I couldn't before all this started - but now that we've lived this "hell" together - it's just not even an option. (again, it wasn't before!) I was talking to a friend about this - and she said she feels the same way about her dh since they've had 3 kids - how it's even MORE impossible now to see them appart. I know it's a weird topic - but i know MANY relationships go the other way through hard times... and to be very honest - we have a great relationship - I love my dh more today than when we met, even more than when we married (i know - it's sooooooooo cliché - but it's soooooooooo true) anyways - all that love - but until you walk a few miles in HELL together - you really have NO idea how it'll work out. I mean I would have ventured a guess that our personalities would have made us grow closer together - but so many go the other way. I know i'm not "immune" to anything - especially now. The theory that "that only happens to other people" is NOT something I would EVER assume true... cause goodness knows - what I would say only happens to others: HAPPENED TO US.

It's like this journey has solidified our vows more than I ever thought possible. More than I ever imagined would happen in our lifetime. And we've been married for less than 3 years. Imagine?

To say he's my best friend is an understatement. He's literally my EVERYTHING. And even through my bad mood... my hormonal fits... I count my blessings everyday that he's my husband. And to those out there who find it going the other way... HUGS. IF is a difficult journey by itself - can't imagine it ALSO putting a strain on our marriage.

About my cousin and his wife - I really don't know them well enough to know why they're apart (obviously - it took months before i even heard they were apart!) It may have nothing to do with IF - but either way - IF obviously dind't bring them closer - or not close enough. Granted - they've been suffering since 1999 - which is more than I have - and they have no children. Perhaps my views of my marriage would be different after so many empty years - but then again, for us - we would have ALWAYS been on the journey. Through modern medicine or adoption - our goal is to have a FAMILY at any cost.

There. Just random thoughts on love & marriage... and infertility.



I'm 13 weeks pregnant today. I've reduced my anti-nausea pills (only taking those that will ensure i can get out of bed in the morning now) and I hope that the nausea stays away...!! Other than that - i'm showing so much - i swear some must assume i'm 5 months along. Um... not so much.

Sharing with the world....

Ok - i'm 12w3d... and we're sharing. We had to - i'm seriously popping and it was embarassing to walk around work cause i felt weird. i always wanted to hide. Now - i can finally wear "whatever" i want and not care. Not everybody knows - but the word is out and before I know it everybody will!

One thing I hadn't anticipated.... how WEIRD it feels to tell people who know nothing of our situation. I almost feel like i'm lying. "Yes, i'm pregnant - but you should know I got help." I know that SOUNDS absolutely rediculous - even to me it sounds stupid... but I've been sharing and I feel WEIRD. Maybe mostly because i'm often ask "do twins run in your family?" and the first time somebody asked i was stunned and then i realized it was the first person who didn't know about IVF. "um no, in fact it's cause there were 2 embryos so my odds were quite high." Um... no, i didn't say that!! I just smile and say "we have id twins in my family - but that's not hereditary..." and then I can't stop thinking of my twin cousin who lost his brother... and how my aunt will "react" to the news. Obviously - she'll be fine with it! I just mean it's going to be different for her than anybody else... arh.

Other than that - we saw the high risk ob yesterday who decided to keep us high risk because of the bleeding episode. There's also blood around one of the placentas which could be a problem - and we're "more at risk" of miscarriage which of course STRESSED ME OUT... but then again - it's his job. I know of MANY who have had this and went on to deliver beautiful babies... actually - i've yet to have found a negative story (although i'm positive they're out there). Anyways - I have another u/s and high risk ob appointment in 4 weeks and they'll decide then if i'm still high risk or not! I really liked the clinic and all the staff was great - so that's an added bonus!!

The babies were dancing around like crazy!! it was AMAZING. when i had my emergency u/s on saturday they weren't moving much at ALL... but i'm wondering if maybe that's because I had been stressed for 24+ hours... who knows. I'll scan and perhaps post a photo!

Yesterday during and following the appointment I had that feeling of "everything is perfect right now". The feeling I had for WEEKS after I got engagged... I was SO happy - beyond words happy when i got engagged... I was floating - something i had never imagined feeling. I had been looking for THAT feeling about the pregnancy - and FINALLY - i got it yesterday. Unfortunatly there's a whole lot more worries being pregnant than being engagged - so the feeling didn't last. BUT at least I felt it.

For some reason yesterday afternoon/evening I was SERIOUSLY hormonal. I wish we had warnings. I felt HORRIBLE - hated myself and worse: went to bed in a bad mood, and woke up in the same bad mood. ARH. I KNOW that's just part of pregnancy - but i'm used to a little bit more control!! And I'm still tired beyond belief - i'm starting to expect the "you're anemic" news at any moment... I mean i don't really think i'm anemic - but this can't be normal... can it??

12w3d pregnant and exhausted beyond belief!

95 days...

of injections in total.
I would guess that that's about 130 injections, since some overlapped, some were split doses and many of the PIO my dh hit blood and therefore had to give me more injections.

Isn't that crazy? (no, probably not to my IF friends! ha!HA!)

And Jenny - as much as the injections hurt and were aweful cause they're HUGE - i'd still take them over suppositories for some reason! Maybe i'm weird! :)

Oh... I just got a birthday gift from a really close friend... the card said "i know you've been through emotional hell this year - but the next will be better" and he made a $ donation to the infertility awareness association of canada for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT? He's THE BEST - and that's why he'll be godfather to our children (although we haven't asked yet!!)


I just found out through a friend at work who knows I'm pregnant that a few people have asked another coworker of ours if i'm pregnant. I think it's time to tell. I'll try to hold off until thursday or friday - i have another u/s on thursday and then we'll share i guess. I'm still living in denial - thinking it's happening to somebody OTHER than me! AND i can't stand people who are over excited with my pregnancy - i mean I'm excited - but i feel like "you don't know the story - so STOP IT." :( hopefully i'll grow out of that.


I'm 12weeks pregnant today. WHAT a milestone. AND the spotting as STOPPED (i spotted all week-end)

HAPPY day!!

TODAY...... is my VERY LAST progesterone injection. THE LAST ONE.

I started injections (not progesterone, obviously!!) on Jan. 27th 2006. Today is MAY 1st. TIME FOR A WELL DESERVED BREAK I THINK!!

And... today is my birthday! I'm 27 years old... so for the next 4 months and 3 days I'm [a year] older than my dh. He likes to rub it in.

My mom and sisters came down yesterday and we went shopping for maternity clothes... hard task with me :( First - seems like 98% of the summer clothes don't have sleeves for some reason. ARH. I hate that. AND... everything is WAY too expensive :( For a summer dress, 2 tops, capris and a skirt and a 20% coupon on everything in the store - it cost 195$CDN. I don't spend that kind of money on clothes normally. I have a top that costs 50$CDN and I would never have paid that. They REALLY wanted me to buy shorts - and frankly - i hardly ever wear shorts... so there was just no way i wanted a 50$ pair. HELLO.

Anyways - I shouldn't complain - the whole thing was a gift and MUCH MUCH MUCH appreciated. I can wear the skirt for sure right now at work... I'm trying hard to avoid looking VERY pregnant right now at work since we haven't officially told everybody we're expecting (although i'm sure most have guessed!) anyways - so skirt and a t-shirt for 2 weeks you think? No - i'm guessing that's not going to work. ARH.

Other than that - for some reason my nausea is HORRIBLE today... we had a vet appointment this morning for the cat & dog - so we took both cars so my dh could just go straight to work afterwards (i don't work on mondays) and I had to leave shortly after getting there because my nausea was WAY too bad. Um... what's up with that? :( I am still on anti-nausea medication :( now it's a little better - but not by a whole lot :( I had LOTS of work i needed to get done today and i thought i could - but it's 2:45 and i've done NOTHING. ARH.

And.... like the nausea is not bad enough - i can't stop crying - for NO REASON. I'm incredibly emotional/hormonal today... to a rediculous level... and MAYBE it's cause it's by birthday but frankly I never "care" that i'm getting "older" so it's not really... but maybe on an hormonal level it is or something. Who knows - all i know is that it's driving me NUTS.

I'm 11w6d pregnant and ending progesterone shots today. YAHOO!!!