morning sickness...

is officially here. I said that to my dh this morning, that it was official - i seriously have morning sickness and he said "YAHOO!!!" i was like "thanks hun..." but he too likes seeing symptoms - it makes it more real.

So for the past 4 days i've felt HORRIBLE - today being the worse by far. I can hardly eat anything (although i haven't actually puked - tmi!!) but everything smells/sounds AWFUL. Even the smell of soda crackers made me feel ill this afternoon... ?!

as much as I'm still not complaining... cause i'm NOT.... being sick makes it quite hard to operate a normal life. I go to work tomorrow - it's gonna be a LONG day!!


On the IF front - i was at a wedding this week-end, a beautiful wedding for 2 people that are really really happy! but i sat with friends that i haven't spent time with in a long time. I work with the guy (he's my supervisor - i've mentioned him in this blog before) and he knows a bit about what we've gone through because again, i work for him. Anyways - SHE had no barriers. My closest friends that I've told haven't asked ME about IF - they've waited for ME to offer as much or little as I pleased. She was FULL of specific questions that I couldn't help but answer. I couldn't exactly walk away - there was a seating plan....... I couldn't be RUDE. I was just beside myself that she'd ask me, at a wedding, sitting with 8 other people very private questions from "how much did it cost" to "did the procedures hurt" to asking about my dh's procedures... anyways- the whole thing left me speechless. THEN she dares say "but it's soooooo worth it" because of course she has 2 kids that came with the first try. By then I was so annoyed i almost said "Really? YOU think so? You sure as hell don't act like it..." cause their parenting skills leave a lot to be desired. I bitched almost the whole way home to my poor dh. Oh - and of course she thinks she's on the priviledge list cause we're friends - but that's NOT why she knows. the ONLY reason she knows is cause I had shared with P. and I couldn't exactly say "we wont know for months if it worked..." so she only knows by association. I hope i don't have to see her for a long time. Ok - i feel like a real bitch for having written that - but she bugged me SOOOOOOO much i had to get it out. You'd think she'd have more tact... more respect. this is the same woman that gave me pitty looks at christmas when she saw me for the first time after finding out (again by association to her dh) and I burst into tears at the damn office party because of the way she kept looking at me. It was like a look of "i'm sorry for you" but it was the SAME LOOK you get at funerals when somebody REALLY close to you has died. And I cry at those too.


Change of topic again (goodness i thought i had nothing to write!) On Sunday (the 26th) it was a year since my cousin was killed in a car accident. My cousin, the identical twin. We found out we were having twins 3 days before the 1 yr annivesary. Weird, no? It's going to be a shock to my aunt i think that we're having twins.....



Ok.... that's all. for real.

6w6d pregnant, and nauseated!

sometimes, things DO happen the way I want them to....

I've been PRAYING for twins since we found out we had to do IVF.

Today, our prayers were answered.

We're having TWO babies. DEUX. DOS.

I find it hard to believe mostly because if I had my way we never would have needed to embark on the IF journey..... so for something to finally go "our way" is amazing and border line hard to believe. Not only did IVF work, but we got what we wanted.

I keep feeling that it's almost like life is saying "sorry for the hardship, I hope this makes up for it...."

SO many people already know we're pregnant (like my whole extended family - which is huge!!) but we're keeping the twin thing secret for the first trimester.... I'm trying to find info on the vanishing twin syndrome -- because i'd like to know odds... but i'm NOT going to stress about it - there's nothing i can do right now but be positive and believe that this fall, we'll be taking 2 perfect babies home!!

Oh - the u/s went something like this "here - you have one beautiful baby and a perfect heartbeat. it's measuring exactly where it's supposed to..... pause, move wand... oh wait - here's a second one... " My reaction "ARE YOU SERIOUS??" it just didn't seem real the way the whole thing happened but OBVIOUSLY that's not something she can kid around with!!!!! She kept saying "YES, i'm serious!!"

we're having 2.
today, i'm 6w2d.... many many many more to go!!

Thursday can't come quick enough.

I was visiting a friend yesterday and she said "oh, your u/s is already THIS thursday?" Um... you say that like it's SOON?? ha!HA! I said I think/hope that by then i'll manage to believe it's TRUE. Believe that I'm PREGNANT. We'll see.

Today I'm 5w6d.

Symptoms....

• I'm EXHAUSTED (seems like that word is an understatement!) I'm tired all the time, which I wasn't expecting. From friends who have been fatigued during pregnancy and they usually say they'd fall asleep as soon as they got home - so from that i assumed they got really tired in the afternoon/early evening. No, to some that ment they were tired all day - but managed not to crash in public places!! Yesterday we were visiting friends and on the way home my dh really wanted to stop for a hair cut... I knew i'd look like a total zomby walking from the car to a bench i could sit on inside the mall - so i stayed in the car... which i find weird personally... but I slept the whole 30 minutes he was gone...!! That's how exhausted I am.
• My boobs tingle. I wouldn't say hurt... many say that clothing/water/touch really hurts at times and i've felt none of that. I'll feel it sometimes to touch, but then i just don't. Often though i'll feel a tingly sensation.... Not too bad... but then this is coming from somebody who doesn't feel her boobs once a month like many women do.
• I pee a lot.
• The second I feel hungry I feel sick. Actually - in the past month i've only felt HUNGER once. Usually I just feel ill, so i eat and it helps. I try to eat really really well - so i'm forcing down food i'm not interested in, and i'm don't really feel hungry for - BUT this baby needs good stuff!! Besides - based on my actual hunger i don't think i'd have to eat more than once a day right now... and that would be BAD.
• My AF like cramps seem to be nearly over. When I feel them it's always about an hour following my PIO shot... so i'm going to guess it's related, even though I can't find evidence.
• My PIO shots hurt on and off - sometimes A LOT, sometimes it doesn't. It hurts more often than not now.
• My butt hurts for some reason. Yesterday I was very uncomfortable - and i'm not sure why. Is it linked to the PIO shots? It's not where they're injected - that usually itches a lot and it'll hurt for a while after the shot - but i mean my actual butt. um....
• My nails are weird. They chip like crazy - in layers almost. I usually have really strong nails... this is really odd......

And..... I'm loving it. Because every thing "weird" that happens in my body convinces me that it's real. I didn't make it up.


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Other than that, I now have 2 new babies in my circle... One I met yesterday - she was born on the day of my BETA (so my dilemma of photographing the birth went out the window - she went into labour the ONE day i wasn't available!!) and the other was born on Saturday... Both girls.

back at work.

and i hate my job. actually - it's more the people. but i'm here and i should suck it up.

I am feeling quite nauseous right now - which is GOOD. yesterday I didn't feel much nausea... and i have to say it keeps it quite real for me. I don't really enjoy feeling sick - BUT it's helping sink in my current reality: I'm pregnant.

I've also turned a HUGE corner. I was sooooooooo scared to admit that I am pregnant thinking that for sure something would happen... and then it hit me. Something might happen.... but the odds are A LOT higher that NOTHING will. And we all know how we play the number game on this journey!! So now i'm embrassing the fact that there's an incredibly HIGH chance that in Nov. we'll be PARENTS.

Other than that - the PIO shots are HURTING!! It's not so bad i guess - but my injection site is SOOo itchy!! and all bumpy?! I have NO idea how we'll find room to keep doing injections for another 7+ weeks, daily. it's crazy! But at the same time, I count my blessings every evening when A. gives me the shot - that it worked, and it's working and that it's necessary!! So it balances it out :) Oh... and A. hit blood for the 5th time. FIFTH. Most either never hit blood or maybe ONCE? One night a while back it was 3 times in a row... so LUCKY me got 4 shots that night!! oh the joy!! I'm glad it's not the actual shot i hate as much as when the progesterone goes in - that's the part that hurts more - so i only got that pain the once, obviously!!

Basically everybody we know knows we're pregnant right now (except "work")- which isn't how i would have prefered it - but fighting off the requests to share was harder. PLUS i figure that means more people are sending us positive thoughts - and they can't hurt, right?? We go for the ultrasound next Thursday and I think IF we're lucky enough to have twins we might keep that news to ourselves for a while... depending on how it looks. I've read of many vanishing twins stories - I don't really need everybody to know about it if it was to happen to us, we'll see. Crappy thing is that we'd actually have to LIE about it if it was twins and we want to keep it to ourselves because a few know we're going for that u/s and they know that by then we'd know. We'll see. Besides, that would be incredibly lucky... so i'm not quite banking on it, just really really really praying!!

I'm 5w. pregnant today.

Thanks for all the well wishes... it's still hard to believe it's happening... and Jenny - I know the "those things actually work" was my exact reaction. This was the last test of a 3 test pack and I've only ever seen the - result... so I was like THAT'S WHAT THE POSITIVE LOOKS LIKE!!! IT'S NOT BROKEN!!! ah!HA! :)

Positive BETA.

I'm pregnant. COMPLETELY. 100%. FOR REAL.

and i'm completely in denial.

My BETA at 13dp3dt was 314. When "my" nurse told me - she was soo excited... and my reaction was more a sigh of relief like "ah phew!" and she said "YOU TESTED!!! cause that's NOT the expression you'd have with good news!" ha!HA!HA!

It's starting to sink in - a little. I'm nauseated in the afternoons and can't keep my eyes open in the evenings... I have cramping in the night though - i always wake up with cramps thinking "AF IS HERE!!" but it's not... and the cramps stay away all day... and "they" say that's normal - but it's not very reasuring!!

Anyways - just had to share. My 6w u/s is in 2 weeks on March 23rd. Maybe, just maybe it'll feel more real then?

12dp3dt + HPT =

A moment in history for us.

11dp3dt.

Posting an update (mostly for Mony ;) )

I have NO IDEA...!!! I might test tomorrow - what's the verdict on HPT and IVF? Should I just wait you think? What would you do in my shoes?

A friend recently told me she tested negative the day before her BETA and the day before that as well.... but her BETA was positive. Not sure i really want to go through that heartache for no reason... only if it's an accurate result. There I go again needing proof, guarentees... when will I get over that? I should be used to the fact that no such thing exists in IF. Technically my period probably wont show until next week sometime - so it's not like it might surprise me to convince me it didn't work (although it could, i guess!)

arh.

In my shoes, would you test? (i'm just curious - i'm 85% sure i'll test tomorrow. I've always wanted to tell my dh we're pregnant - and this is the only way this might happen. At the clinic i can't exactly ask him to leave while they tell me and then keep it from him!) In NORMAL couples, women get to tell their dh they're pregnant. and you all know how much I crave being NORMAL.

Completely off topic... My best friend had to have her appendix removed on Sunday. EMERGENCY. She's 20 some weeks pregnant. HOW SCARY??? I couldn't help but cry after I got off the phone with her. THIS IS NUTS. I swear we were ment to find each other in life to be friends to support each other - because "things" keep happening to both of us. Hers always seem worse - much worse! But IF isn't exactly a walk in the park either.
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Edited to add: I'd like to add that I'm the furthest thing from a POAS Addict.... In my whole life i've POAS twice. That's got to be quite an accomplishement for somebody who's been TTC for 2 1/2 yrs!! So i'm not really obsessing about the need to POAS as much as the need to find out NOW!!! but i guess it's kind of all the same thing........ arh.

thanks for the support girls! :)

Weird mood....

I'm in a weird mood - mostly bad... this SUCKS SOOOO BAD. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have ZERO desire to go out (which I have to do in about an hour!) - but yet i have zero desire to stay home.

it's not supposed to be like this.

I have lots of work to do - i pilled it up so that I wouldn't be sitting at home doing nothing while I was on leave from my day job... I'm off in total for 3 weeks - and... at the rate i'm going I will have nothing done... which means then i'll have to do all the work I have to do at night. After my day job. And that's the part I HATE about having my own business... the never ending hours. So this was an amazing "boost" of hours - but turns out I'm apparently useless.

I have an overwhelming feeling that we're NOT pregnant - and I don't know why. I really honestly do NOT know either way... maybe it's from reading so many BFN lately from others... not sure. I think my DH is "positive" we ARE - which is great if we are, but it bugs me - because we might not be.

I will POAS the day before my BETA i decided. That will give me nearly a week to wrap my head around whatever the results are before having to go back to work.

Today is 7dp3dt. at 12dp3dt - I should have a good idea, right?


On a seperate note, I'm going to see a friend this afternoon and deliver her maternity photographs (the proofs from a session) they're great... it's their third and she looks amazing. It'll be a nice "retreat" today - but I'm nearly positive I'll get home and i'll be in the same weird mood again. I went to sleep in that mood - and unfortunately woke up in the same mood... that's when i know it's pretty bad.


Oh - and... I'm supposed to photograph this same friend's birth - should be over the next week sometime. I wonder if I can, emotionally. She's ready for me to say "no - i can't" but I really want to do this - and she really wants me to do this as well. I'm wondering if I can handle it emotionally/physically. I'm "taking it easy" and a birth is NOTHING BUT. I'm also terrified of seeing a close friend in labour - cause i'm going to feel SO useless... Can I handle the stress? Would you handle it?