Tuesday, June 29, 2010

11w4d :: emotional wreck.

wow -- these pregnancy hormones are overwhelming these days.
Today I've wanted to cry all day for no reason at all.
Well, perhaps it's because I haven't slept well in 2 days.
Or that I woke up and my allergies were at least 80% worse today than they've been all spring/summer. (spring being my worse season normally)

or because my daugther is being incredibly assertive in her three & a half years and everyday it's harder and harder. Who ever said it was the terrible twos were wrong I think with my daugther. 3 1/2 has been our roughest phase yet. May it please be over soon. Of course having twins means twice the battles -- but my son isn't as hard -- although of course they rub off on each other. Thankfully, they do have each other to play with though -- because this phase would be even HARDER.

and maybe it's because this phase comes at a point in my life when I would like to take the time to soak up the happiness I'm living after more than a year and a half of absolute emotional HELL -- obviously -- my parenting probably suffered A LOT during those crazy difficult times... which probably means that she's ultra difficult a bit because of that.

Can I just say I cannot wait for infertility to be a very distant memory.

We'll tell the kids today or tomorrow that we're expecting... and then the rest of the extended family/cirle of friends by friday. Maybe it'll kick me out of my current funk. who knows.

I sound worse than I feel (i think!) --- I do have good days --- mostly good moments in days I suppose... but I'm incredibly happy and feel blessed everyday that we're expecting one baby. Of course those sentiments are ALWAYS followed by "if all goes well" because for some reason - I also believe that my happiness is minutes from being taken from me, daily. hopefully as the pregnancy progresses those feelings will STOP. because they SUCK.

11w4d and emotionally drained. feeling like a bitch, 80% of the days.

Monday, June 14, 2010

seriously. seriously.

My brother just called. He's going to be a dad too in January. This is NOT good news -- and I'm guessing he thought I was being a little bitchy by my reaction. he doesn't have stable income and neither does she -- I think they've been dating for 6 months - well I guess a little longer than that but we first met her at Christmas time. She's REALLY nice -- so that's not the issue at all. at all. She's from a great family -- and I'm sure they'll be good together in the long run (well, I SURE HOPE SO!!!)

but OMG. My family is FULL of accidents -- but when it hits this close to home it's even harder to swallow. Due at the same time as me. wow.

Without kidding I think I would have needed some anxiety pills had I learned that news after having failed a cycle that would have had me due at the same time. I shouldn't think like that -- I AM pregnant -- but it's really hard not to think of the whatifs.

So now there are FIVE babies due on ONE side of my family in JANUARY. All in ONE month. (well, I think we're all due in the span of 2 weeks) but nobody knows about our pregnancy yet. (in the extended family)

I don't know if my brother knows of our struggles -- I'm really not certain. He wasn't in a great space when we first started going through IF HELL -- and I'm not sure if it's ever been shared with him - although i'm guessing so since 80% of my extended family knows... i just felt like telling him that with all the emotional and financial investements I had in creating MY family -- it was hard to get excited about HIS oops.

I pray good things happen to them... for the sake of my niece or nephew. OMG. (will be the first child born in our family that doesn't belong to my dh & i)


9w3d pregnant and feeling HORRIBLY sick; HORRIBLY. I have this HORRIBLE taste in my mouth ALL THE TIME -- which means I'm forever eating stuff to minimize it but the minute i'm done eating, the taste comes right back :( I really really hope that passes at the end of the first trimester -- I've read of women having this throughout their whole pregnancy :(

Friday, June 04, 2010

eight weeks.

it's weird, it's like a long time has gone by since we found out -- and yet it feels like it was yesterday adn I'd give ANYTHING to be in my 14th + week already.

Yesterday I had my first prenatal apt. with my family dr. that can follow me until 36 weeks -- and she's just a few minutes away! Such an advantage to my last pregnancy that was followed by a high risk clinic at least 45 min. away.

It's amazing to be normal. A little unerving, but I think i'll manage. I think.

My next scan is between weeks 18-20. That by itself feels AMAZING. Our twin pregnancy we scanned A LOT (out of 'necessity' so I was ok with it -- but would have prefered less ultrasounds on my babes!) and this time, it's almost normal. I've had one at 6 weeks and should only have one more if all goes well :)

My next apt. is at 14 weeks. that's SIX weeks without seeing a medical professional. WOW. Haven't not seen a dr. in that much timespan since March.

By the end of this pregnancy, I might just actually feel like a normal pregnant woman. fingers crossed!!

Symptoms wise I'm CRAZY tired and very nauseated... but appreciate some signs. if I had none, i'd be freaking out, i'm sure.