Friday, January 09, 2009

in so much pain.

I have good days.... and bad days. I don't cry daily - but nearly. I'm hurting SO bad from this failed cycle. I'm hurting at the thought of doing a fresh IVF - but it hurts soooooo much more to think that I may not have any more children.

I want a baby sooooo bad.

I know I'm blessed in the 2 amazing children that I do have. I know this - and I'm not dismissing that fact. But I've always wanted more than 2.

I now realize that i'm in much more pain NOW than I was when we were first diagnosed. I was FULL of hope then. I hadn't been knocked down yet - other than 'just trying' wasn't working. I hadn't had a failure yet. One fresh cycle - and beautiful baby boy & girl.

Now -- the hope is hard to keep alive... perhaps it's because i'm exhausted - it's not helping, that's for sure. I go from being hopeful to thinking i'm CRAZY for thinking it'll work again.

I don't want to be like this -- I KNOW better. I KNOW i have to keep hope -- but this is stronger than me. Just like i KNOW i didn't kill my embryos --- but those thoughts still creep up -- i just CANNOT help it. It's MORE than me. It's MORE than my logical brain. WAY WAY MORE. If it was just about my logical brain -- the tears would have stopped or at least slowed down by now.

I go from thinking that few are more blessed than me in life.... to thinking that my world is caving on itself and I don't know where to go for air. I feel like there's two me - and it's painful.

Our next apt. with the fertility clinic is on Jan. 22nd - which is coming up fast. I keep thinking I should call and schedule an apt. with the psychologist at the same time but I don't do it. Now it's most likely too late.... then again, i don't know cause i don't call. I don't call because I don't want her to tell me that it's NOT my fault those embryos are dead. I don't want her to tell me that I can get beyond this -- I KNOW ALL THAT. Granted, she'd probably tell me what i can do to HELP it along -- but i'm tired of crying. And crying and talking at the same time is the only thing that's worse than crying. Maybe i'll make one for later... it's just that it's an all day affair going to my fertility clinic -- and while i could probably see somebody closer to home -- she's the only psychologist i've ever ever ever talked to - and she was really really really good. I don't want to talk to somebody else. And I'm too tired and sleep deprived to think about heading to the clinic alone (clinic fine, but the 6hr round trip + big foreign city - not so fine) - so it would mean my dh would have to take a day too. again.

somedays I think i'm doing better - and I realize it's only because i've made an effort on those days to repress the feelings. To pretend it hasn't happened.