Sunday, September 25, 2005

Being one of "them"

The cloud of denial is lifting. THREE months of living in denial - even though sometimes I could convince myself I wasn't - i obviously was, because THIS pain is real - and it used to be masked by something - and that had to be denial. And YES, it does hurt. a lot. It's about to get more real when we start the actual procedures, of course.

For the first time since we've been diagnosed - I feel like "i'm one of them" - one of the intertile ones. You know - the thing that will NEVER ever happen to YOU - that happens to OTHERS. others only. Just like everything in life we're told that "others" could be "you" at any point in time. But you live in denial - and you refuse to believe it. "Sure, maybe i'll have a bit of a harder time - fine... but come on, i'll never do in-vitro... that doesn't happen to people like me"
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? WHY is our mind conditioned to think that way? OF COURSE "THEM" CAN BE "US".

And just like that, I became one of them. And I'm sure that many of the people dealing with this have had this same feeling.... right? I cannot be alone in this thinking. To think that "one of them" refers to ME now - is ODD. When people talk about "infertile couples" - they mean people LIKE ME.

I am one of them.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

arrogant dr.

Trip #4 to Montreal - over and done with. We can now officially "move on".

Diagnosis - SAME.
Dr. - SAME. Arrogant.

The good thing from today is that our appointment was at 3:45. We got there at 3 (it's seriously hard to judge exactly how long it'll take us to get to the clinic itself...) anyways - we go in. We got called early. We were OUT by 3:41. Traffic wasn't as bad. So we got home early - which is good - because otherwise we were going straight to A.'s hockey game and wouldn't have been home till midnight. yuk.

ANYWAYS - to get back to the appointment. The incredibly arrogant dr. annoyed me to no end - but we don't really have to see him again - so that's good. The only time we might see him again is perhaps during the "extraction" process for A. But that could be another dr.

First question: "have I seen you guys before?" Um... YES. Second "did you have tests done?" Um... no - we're just here because we love your bubbly personality. WTF? YES. The he looks at them... earlier this week A. said "surely he's already seen the results..." I answered that i was sure he'd just look at the in front of us. I was right. So then he says "zero sperm count again." Not a surprise, obviously. Any sperm would have thrown everything for a loop. Could have been a good loop - but 99.5% sure it would have just been a loop of false hope. I'm tired of false hope.

Second test result. The one that took us back for a follow up with an uneasy feeling. First thing he says - "this says that both of the ducts are there - but that's funny, cause they can't see that on an ultrasound." SHIT. WTF? who's wrong? him or her? He goes on to say what he expected them to look for and what he got back - some was more than he really needed, and some was missing. what the heck does that mean? So... I ask. "Is this typical? does it happen often that on a workup you get the wrong analysis? Does this mean we need to redo the test?" And the arrogant dr. took this very personal. From that second got short with me (not that he was polite before this happened) So he goes on to say that this isn't a typical workup. Fine - i completely understand this - we're in a tiny minority - i understand. He could have stoped talkign right then. But no... he goes on to give me an analogy. He starts by saying "I'm not going to be a father figure (his term??) to the lab and write down every little thing i need" WHAT? OF COURSE YOU SHOULD - you JUST finished telling me that this isn't a typical workup doesn't that mean you should tell them what you need? how would they just KNOW?? AND then the analogy: "It's like if I sent you to a very specialized store for something very specific you didn't know about - you wouldn't know what to look for." IMMEDIATELY I said "BUT YOU WOULDN'T SEND ME. You'd send somebody QUALIFIED that knew what they were doing. If i didn't know what I was looking for, I would have to ask or be supplied with a DETAILED list of instructions."

I love analogies - love them. BUT not ones that don't work. Not one somebody uses to shut me up - and STILL doesn't work. Anyways - I was this close to saying "STOP patronising me. This is our LIFE you're talking about - and i'm nice - haven't said anything rude." To get offended at a simple patient question is crazy. I wasn't accusing - I was worried for A.'s sake that he'd need to do the test again, especially based on the fact that he never really asked for what he wanted? I'm not going to sit there like a yes-man and just take it in - WE'RE DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT TOGETHER, WE CANNOT CONCEIVE CHILDREN. We're not talking about the color of paint we'd like or something as silly as that?

Bottom line - that was our last appointment and I almost said "good, i'm glad we never have to see you again!" but i didn't. My blood was boiling - I almost pushed him out of the way to leave!!

When I asked him about our appointment with the fertility specialist "should we keep it?" his answer "sure, i guess." wow - thanks for the wonderful vote of confidence?! Anyways - the only reason i asked is because we are still waiting on the results from the genetic councelling. We still need to wait - but our appointment in 2 weeks is the first appointment, to learn more - possibly get "our" protocol... hopefully get a tentative start date? or something? Ok - that's getting too far - i'll most likely need to do some testing - but at least i can get those scheduled and done with.

Today - if anything - kind of brought us closer to a starting date - because now without a doubt in mind, we're DOING IVF, with sperm extraction - and then ICSI to fertilize ONE egg with ONE sperm. PERIOD. That's our ONLY option for "our" babies. That's it. And that was 100% confirmed today. Now, in 2 weeks, everything will feel so much more REAL. In 2 weeks we will be presented with what IVF will do for US (or how we will be using IVF i guess!) I think that that day - at that appointment - it will hit me like a ton of brick. It will hit me that it's REAL. WE are going to be doing IVF. Up until right now, it's been more like "we probably have to do IVF.... apparently we have fertility issues or something like that... I don't know... can i just take a break and sleep on it?" that seems to be what i've been living. GONE. GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD: we are infertile - and this is our option. Like so many others, we are "one of them". We are part of the taboo subject... We will one day tell people we're pregnant and have loads of congrats - without most understanding what it means. EVEN if some know that we ended up needed feritily treatment - they wont "get it". NOBODY will understand the stress, hearache, physical pain associated with it. They'll just be "happy". And their happiness will cause bittersweet feelings in me. NOT about my pregnancy - cause believe me - i will be happier than ever before - but about the situation. AND then when we're ready for our second miracle... the wheel starts again. And for the third - same thing. And if i'm lucky - a fourth :)

Do you think I can add it into our christmas cards? "Oh, by the way - we can't have kids naturally, we're going to have test tube babies, and please don't think you understand what this might mean - unless you're willing to read this following list of books on the subject, thanks for your understanding... Annie, who is currently on hidding."

no - i guess that doesn't work.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

officially scared.

I'm not going "home" for thanksgiving - instead we're going to... a hockey game? My dh said he'd really like for us to go to the home opener - and his family said sure (his parents and sister) and I said ok. KNOWING that that was thanksgiving.

what's wrong with me? Last time I went "home" was the last week-end of August. Ok - so that's not THAT far away, right? right. BUT I have no idea when we're going up next - and i'm starting to think i'll be christmas. It's an hour away. what's wrong with me? We're out of town next week and my parents were going to take the dog - but now his parents will. So we don't have to go drop him off or pick him up. I'm booked as of now until mid nov. and i'm bound to book into further... anyways. i can't see it.

and what bugs me the most about this whole thing - is that i don't mind. For the first time since I left home it doesn't bug me to not be going home. I wish I could say that it's because i'm so in love with MY home and that i've finally found somewhere to call home - but it's not that. I just don't need to see everybody it seems. I think it's honestly because all of a sudden the "when will you have kids??" questions have taken an incredible toll. Without me really noticing. Yes, they were annoying me to no end - but i didn't realize that it was THIS bad. But obviously it is. I'm tired of seeing all the kids around - when I want babies more than any of them could ever ever ever imagine.

But then christmas wont be any better. What then?

I think that what is bugging me too is that even if every single person in my "family" knew that we had to go through IVF - hardly none of them would understand - or care to understand - the extent of it. None of them will REALLY understand what it feels like. People will PITY me - and i hate pity. I HATE PITY. hate it. hate it.

I'm sitting here thinking that if I was pregnant right now, I still wouldn't want to see all of my family. Because most would think "see - it couldn't be THAT bad, she's pregant" or worse "see, i knew she could get pregnant." I don't want people thinking that.

Can I hide until we have a baby?? or would that be really obvious?

ok - i have never in my life felt so negative. I seriously need to regroup.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

i love my husband.

I had a HORRIBLE day today - everything seems upside down... all the "emotional progress" i had achieved seems to have completely left me.

He played golf this afternoon - got home at 8pm. He KNEW I had a horrible day.
He gave me the strongest/longest hug. and just like that the tears started flowing again...
and then he added the 5 new charms i got for my charm bracelet - cause i just didn't have the patience today. The new charms spell out H O P E. and a 5th one that says "dream".

He's the best. Even when ALL SUCKS - i'm so lucky to have him as my husband.