Tuesday, November 29, 2005

like this isn't bad enough.

i talked to my brother this evening. by accident.
I called to talk to my sister - he answered. I usually just ask for my sister - but this time i asked him for a camera i gave him as a gift a few years ago (that he's never used :( ) but that i'd like to play with - it's a toy camera. "yes i have it, sure you can use it..." i was going to ask for my sister at this point - i haven't had a conversation with my brother in MONTHS -- although i've seen him a few times at my parents and stuff. I just can't handle him. He's typically quite "nice" but yet he's sooo messed up - i just don't understand it. I have a hard time talking to him because I feel like i always go back to excusing his behaviour in my head/heart - cause he is, after all, my little brother - and i spent YEARS defending him - he was the youngest, the only boy and picked on quite a bit. I can't handle it anymore - so i avoid it.

Anyways - before i could ask for my sister he asked how things were "fine." he asks "what are you up to?" i answer "nothing much". Not being rude - but not offering much information... what would he care if i actually said "well, not that you ask, we're dealing with infertility and we actually have to do in-vitro to become pregnant..." i still don't think he has a clue. Not really his fault if i or nobody else told him BUT his behaviour is 100% his fault, therefore in the end, he IS to blame.

Then he goes on to tell me he's looking for a job... I said "really? right now? you don't have work?" he says "Uh... no??" (like i should know all this??) and I said "aren't you working for dad on the farm right now?" (apparently that was the WRONG thing to say) and i knew he kind of was, and i know dad can't keep both of them afloat all year - but RIGHT NOW is typically busy on the farm. He yells "yeah ... i am... but do you think he pays me?!?" I just said (again very calm) "what? of course dad would pay you? that's a crazy accusation - dad's a very good business man, something you could learn alot from. he's a stand up guy that pays his staff for their work. there's NO way he'd be where he is right now by screwing people over." HE LOST IT. started yelling at ME. Started saying i knew nothing. He was so rude. Finally I just said "are you high?" and that put him over. Loses it even more and says "don't you dare start - i haven't even smoked in 3 days" and i just said - calm again - "i hardly believe that you're seriously talking to me in this tone when i've said nothing rude to you if you're not drunk or high. there's just no way..." cause really - THERE ISN'T. Unless on top of doing drugs he's also become a complete ass, it was out of character - he never talks to me like that.

and then... click. he hung up on me.

All of that - and I just wanted a recipe from my sister :( I hung up the phone and screamed at the top of my lungs - louder than i thought i could (my throat still really really hurts :( ) adam ran downstairs... "no, i swear nothing is wrong... i just had to talk to my stupid brother." arh.

I called back, cause really I wanted to talk to my sister, not him. I left her a calm message (although i'm sure she'll manage to tell my voice was shaky) but super calm "Hey R, i was calling to see if you could share your thoughts on something i'm making for friday - can you call be back? thanks".

I know he thought i was calling him back - i called RIGHT back after he treated me like dirt and hung up on him. I'm *hoping* that me not even acknowledging him will make him think twice about how he talked to me. It wont change anything - but if it gave him 2 seconds of "what? she just called back for that?" then it kind of worked.

I'm thinking of sending him a letter telling him that if he doesn't appologize he's getting the silent treatement from me - until he does. BUT i don't think i can do that - because for my parents sake i probably can't follow through - and there's nothing worse than people who can't follow through. if i say something - I DO IT. If i tell him i wont talk to him and I do to not hurt my parents, then i've lost, and he's won. My parents try so hard because they know if he becomes completely alienated from the family he'll most likely leave and then who knows when we'd see him. They're right - but i can't deal.

My life HURTS right now. And... he's throwing his away. I simply CANNOT understand it. not one bit.

It makes me want to skip christmas all together - and i like christmas.


Thursday, November 24, 2005

What goes up must come down

Such is the life of an emotional rollercoster.

I left work early yesterday - I had to. I couldn't stop crying. Over nothing really - I was just frustrated, the accumulation of everything seems to have taken a toll on me.

I stayed home today. I need to get back on top. I think i'll be ok after today...

We have an appointment next wednesday in Mtrl... we'll get our "schedule". I'm also going to be starting the pill by next week (hopefully - lets pray my cycle doesn't go out of wack again!) It's starting to feel real, and i'm started to feel scared. I keep having these mini panick attacks, thinking "what if it doesn't work?" IT HAS TO WORK. But i guess the pain of it not working for 2 years yet just accumulates and it plays on my emotions...

I hope there's no snow next wednesday. It's the beginning of crappy driving - why couldn't we get pg last summer??? :(

back to doing nothing...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

"you can't hurry love"

I LOVE that song. LOVE it. I would have to say it's my ALL TIME absolute favorite song. And... the fact that the dixie chicks sing it is just so perfect... 3 chicks singing my favorite song :)

I was on the road this morning between a client's home and my lab pickup... and it came on... i blasted it :) I don't have that version (i don't actually have any version of it!) so I rely on being at the right spot, at the right time and the radio deciding it's an annie moment ;) ah!Ha!

I went from the pick up at the lab to the mall to pick up something... i REALLY had to pee... as I was leaving the washroom I bumped into a lady while opening the door to leave (she was going in!) so i held the door and she said "sorry about that! thank you..." and i said "you're welcome..." and she said "have a wonderful day..." spoken frank, loudly. Not the "thanks" under her breath like most... then again, saying thanks is better than not in any voice. I walked down the hallway back to the mall with a bounce in my step - this woman had just in 2 seconds gone out of her way to be really nice :)

Head to hallmark - I find what I think is the PERFECT baptism gift... which is good, cause i was freaking out!! I'm a godmom as of... tomorrow!! and i had no ideas... well, i had a few ideas, but i really wasn't sure what to get her... I found this BEAUTIFUL box that i'm turning into an inspiration box.... that I will promise to keep building through the years... I'm going to have a few song lyrics printed to put in it - and a few quotes/stories/poems... things from little girls to eventually young woman... and I hope that through the years she brings out the box to remember to DREAM... to remember that she can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to. She has her whole life ahead of her... :)

i was in and out of the mall quicker than i thought possible!! :) head to my lunch date with a girlfriend to give her her christmas gift, personalized christmas cards - see how i had to give it to her NOW? :) that was a wonderful break... From there went to Reitmans, and found something to wear tomorrow!! and of course a few other pieces of clothing - because i seriously cannot go in there without finding clothes that fit me well!!

Then i went to walmart - for ribbon... it was PACKED - crazy packed... but by some weird twist - i got my ribbon and got to the fast cash - nobody was in line - went right through - even though ALL the lines were really busy and walked out. It was as if the store was SUPER busy - but yet it was empty, just for me. weird. BUT while I was there - MY song came on "you can't hurry love" AGAIN. TWICE in one day. This time, the original (or the version i think is the original... not positive on that one...) how's that for weird? TWICE in one day when i usually only hear it abou twice a year typically? I swear it was "my day" :)

Went to buy a calling card so i could call my sister in Mexico... stopped at Tim's for a treat - just a coffee :) drove home... started working on the inspiration for my box!! and 6pm rolls around, my date time with my sister on the phone - I manage to reach her after having to wait cause i was getting a weird busy signal, she came on msn and said "ok, try now" and i did - and we talked for 45 minutes :)

while at walmart though i saw a woman with her bf/husband walking... and she was crying... trying to hold it in, but obviously in a whole lot of pain. i stood there thinking "OH I KNOW..." even if i have NO idea what she was crying about - but I still know what it's like to be in that state. OF COURSE she's probably dealing with something much worse... and even though my pain is tiny in comparasion to most - I still cry nearly daily... but not today.

And just like that - a written short version of my "great" day :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Baptism on Sunday

I'm a godmother. I seriously couldn't be more thrilled... I feel very honoured to have been asked :)

The baptism is Sunday.

How many times do you think i'll be asked if i'm next? Or when i'll have a baby? Or that I better get on it? Or that now that I have my country home, i should have babies... or that they thought i'd have one by now...? or that the mom in this family is much younger than me...? (ok, i don't think anybody would use that one, since this was wasn't exactly planned, although incredibly loved!)

I'm thinking... 10 times.

Although -i'm secretly hoping that the info has kind of leaked into the family - and that just like that, they'll have the decency of NOT asking.

if they DON'T ask - how many will sit there and feel PITY for me?

You're damned if you do, your damned if you don't. no winning.

What i'm wondering though... is why is this anybody's business? Sure, my family loves me bla bla bla... but when i have children (or how!) is NONE of anybody's business but mine and my husband - and those i DECIDE to share with.

My "family avoidance" at christmas will be even MORE necessary since I'm bound to see most of them this week-end. twice in nearly a month to either be asked - or to be to be pityed?

Maybe my response of the day can just be "yeah, well at least i'm the godmother, and well... you're not."

I talked to my sister yesterday - and I was saying "i'm not even sure what i'll wear..." so goes on to tell me the kind of clothing i should wear... I nearly lost it - i answered in a possibly not very nice way that I KNEW WHAT I SHOULD WEAR - i just didn't know exactly which pieces of MY CLOTHING i was going to be wearing. arh. See, annoyed at the thought of clothes - and she probably thinks i'm just having a bitchy day. She can't comprehend the hell i'm in - which i guess is understandable - i guess you just expect that somebody somewhere in the world does pick up on it. You wished somebody would pick up on the fact that when you're really annoyed about clothing - it has NOTHING to do with clothing... You wished somebody understood that living what we're living - this fear we live in - SUCKS and is huge. I can't help but be annoyed at how my family seems to think that "life is normal" right now - and that "i'll get pregnant by IVF, that's all there is to it..." there are soooooooo many what ifs... including the obvious "what if it doesn't work" or "what if they can't retrieve sperm?" and the ... "what if we end up not being able to afford to have 4 children because of this?"

Life sucks sometimes. I know i have MANY positives in my life - and i'm incredibly thankful - every day - for them. I have NO idea how I would get through this hell if it wasn't for those positive elements in my life. But the negative DOES SUCK.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Tears... when do they stop?

When do the tears stop?

I can't honestly remember the last day i haven't cried - for sure. I'm thinking it must have happened... I must have had tear free days... I know for a fact i had no tears the last week of Sept when we were away... but before that? and since that? i don't know.

isn't that CRAZY?

It's not FULL OUT crying - not the ugly cry everyday or anything like that... but sadness still.

I have a serious problem that i think way too much... must work on that.

who would you be? by George Canyon...

We were sitting round the table
At the Tuesday poker game
Solvin' all the problems of the world
Tryin' to draw an inside straight
When Jimmy posed the question
As he played a pair of kings
If you could be anyone in this whole world
Who would you be?

Would you be Elvis shakin' up Memphis
Makin' all the young girls scream
Would you make a speech that would change the world
Like Martin Luther King
Go down in history like Abe Lincoln
Cause you set a country free
If you could be anyone in this whole world, tell me
Who would you be?

Hank said, "I'd be a cowboy
Someone like John Wayne"
Donny said, "Hey pilgrim
Blow that cigar smoke the other way"
Said he'd make a million dollars
Pitchin' in the major leagues
Then he stared straight into Paul's bloodshot eyes
And said, "Who would you be?"

Would you be John Lennon, can you imagine
Giving hope with just a song
Would you be the Babe pointing that bat
Sayin, "This one's goin' long"
Maybe Moses parting the waters, sayin',
"Children follow me"
If you could be anyone in this whole world, tell me
Who would you be?

Well I knew those boys would roll their eyes
When they heard what I had to say
But I shuffled the cards and said, " euces wild"
And I told them anyway

I'd rather be a father that had all the answers
To every question my kids have
I'd earn every word on that coffee cup
That says world's greatest dad
Be the perfect husband to that woman
That means everything to me
If I could be anyone in this whole world
Well, that's who I'd be

Yeah, that's who I'd be

what an amazing inspiration...


Can I live the life I want to live? or am i kidding myself?

I keep getting these overwhelming feelings that i'm kidding myself. Nearly panick attacks. I had an extremely vivid dream that i quit my photography business. And... I woke up thinking maybe it wasn't a crazy idea. WHAT???

I cannot live my life working the job i work right now - no way. Why live at all, if it's to get up everyday to go work with horrible people and feel aweful, everyday? why?

I LOVE photography. I'm GOOD at photography. I am a photographer.

BUT will I wake up on mat leave thinking I messed everything up? Will I wake up feeling BROKE - more broke than i feel now? I feel broke now, cause we're trying to save all our $ for IVF... but what about when I don't have that paycheck??

I want more than anything to be a stay at home mom (to the children we can't even have right now) A. wants that too... but honestly - are we kidding ourselves?

WHAT CAN I DO?! I can't stay in this job. I WANT to be a photographer... BUT what happens *if* it doesn't work out? god forbid. I'm just scared. Seems to be my most normal state these days :( Add to the mix that life is MUCH too short - and we're reminded of this on a daily basis it seems... if life is that short, and any of us could be gone tomorrow - why would I possibly NOT want to work my butt off to be a photographer and do something I LOVE?

Life has taken a HUGE twist for us over the last few months... what if it's supposed to be a sign implying that we need dual "safe" income? What if it's implying that life doesn't work they way we expect, not always. I was a strong believer that you got what you worked for. The harder you work, the more success you have. NOT true in building a family - quite obviously. What if i'm just wrong period. What if LUCK has a lot to do with it? And what if what we're living is a sign that we're not lucky? I don't want to believe in luck. I want to believe in hard work... but it's becoming increasingly hard...

Monday, November 07, 2005

"You're going to be"

by Reba...

This song will be sang at my baby's (you know, the one we can't even conceive) baptism... hopefully by my sister in law, but either way, it's being sung...

It makes me cry...

6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'

‘Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're takin'


Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved by me