LAST DAY at work.

Today is my LAST day at work. THE LAST ONE EVER. I've worked so hard for this - and for so long that it had started to feel like it would never happen.

My dr. said I was showing a few signs that typically show up a little later in pregnancy and that we better be safe than sorry! Her exact words were "you've worked way way too hard for this and I don't want to watch it go up in smokes!" ah!HA! :) she was funny!

The babies are doing great... measuring right where they should... :)

And... here's my HUGE belly I mentioned in yesterday's post!

24 weeks.

Today is 24 weeks...

Thanks to those who replied - things DID get better!! I took friday off - i needed to take time to get back to earth and it helped alot!

I have an u/s tomorrow and a dr. appointment too. I have things to "bring up" basically for the first time. Well, not true - obviously i brought up that whole blood episode that lasted for weeks (between 11w and 15w) but other than that - things have been going pretty well...

This time though - i have to bring up that i have a swollen hand... it doesn't look much different than my right hand - but it feels a whole lot different... I've read it can be a sign of carpal tunnel syndrom - we'll see. lets hope not... then again, seems so minor!!

The biggest thing is that I've officially surpassed the pain tolerance for sitting. Well, I can tolerate it just fine - but after a while I can hardly get up. Yesterday I had friends over and I did a quick photo session and i made lunch... seriously - i was moving at a turtle pace - NO way was I "overdoing" ANYTHING... They were over for about 4 hours by the time they left I could hardly stand/sit... after they left I finally got to lie down... my dh came home from work and I tried to get up and screemed so loud... I couldn't do it. He looked at me and said "i think you need to be off work SOON!" considering that pain was from doing next to nothing as it was... anyways - sure enough - today is horribly painful at work... I have a HARD time getting from my desk to the washroom - which frankly isn't far. I seriously feel like i need support... I keep leaning on cabinets or walls...

ALL OF THAT and I have this nagging feeling the dr. will reply "well, yeah - you're pregnant!" and it's surpassed being "normal pregnancy symptoms"... I'm almost convinced it must have something to do with lingering scar tissue from an accident yrs ago - but nobody can actually confirm that.

Weirdest thing - as much as i'm DYING to never have to come back to work - i might go stir crazy at home :( Then again - i have doubts the drs will take me off work for THIS - but then again, i'm not sure how i'll manage to go on...

I'm re-reading this and I sound whinny and like I just need to SUCK IT UP... and both are probably true... but it's been 3 weeks now that I almost cry everytime I have to get up from my desk... I don't think it's normal.

Other than that stuff - I finally got my patterns in the mail yesterday!!
Check these out!! I got the Nappy pattern & the Café Apron... the apron is for christmas gifts - I'm planning on making at least 4 - so i better get to it!!

I also got 4 sets of rings i purchased to make ring slings...

Now i have to go fabric shopping!

I also have a new self-portrait - but I can't seem to upload images at the moment... I'll come back and add it later!

Crazy realization... It's 5 months until christmas TODAY. That means that in FIVE months we will have babies that are a minimum of FIVE weeks old. That means delivery will be OVER (i'm terrified of giving birth!!) that means that we will probably have somewhat of a routine (that the babies may or may not care about ;) ) IN FIVE MONTHS ONLY. Imagine?



24 weeks, stuffed up and very greatful that the heat wave broke for the week-end... although it's back for this week :(

Freak Religion?

Yesterday a coworker was joking with my dh and I that we're "in it" for the next 20 yrs... and I said "well, it'll be longer than that since we're having more kids..."

"MORE than twins???"
"yes"
"what are you? part of some freak religion or something?"

AAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing like trying to piss off a hormonal pregnant woman. Nice.


Other than that - today i'm having a horrible day. I've tried a bunch of chairs at work and nothing works - my butt/left leg hurts SO bad when i get up - i feel like i'm going to crumble when I walk (i actually physically came close a few minutes ago). I have to pee for the 4th time since 9h30 this morning (that's 2 hours! FUN!) and the bathroom at work is now being cleaned - the only bathroom we can use. We have a shower room too - but for some reason they omitted toilets when they built them (wtf?) so we have ONE women's bathroom... that is cleaned by a man therefore closed while he cleans. Min. amount of time: 30 minutes. I gave it an extra 5 (well, almost 10 by the time i actually made it there) and it was STILL CLOSED. TOO LONG for anybody - let alone a pregnant woman. So i'm back at my desk wondering when I should dare make the treck - again - cause i can hardly walk.

I'm asked "how are you doing?" with pitty as always - but it's getting harder to say fine when they can CLEARLY see that i am seriously limping. ARH.

Other than that - i hardly slept last night and I'm feeling really sick today. AND... i'm stressed beyond words... I can't stop thinking something bad will happen... I was doing so much better and then my friend lost her full term baby and now i'm back at square one, stressing.

I know i shouldn't complain: I'M PREGNANT. I get that. I'm sorry if this bugs some of you - if anybody is still reading.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

It finally came!

My 10 yr high school reunion invitation!!! The one I was hoping would come so I could send it back and say "thanks, but i'm not coming" I worked SOOOOO hard on my self-esteem since high school... I dare say that I'm HAPPY with who I am now (minus the infertility - that's taken it's toll - i'm back to some old ways where I think i'm less worthy at times which frankly is rediculous to think of my esteem linked to IF - but everything else in my life seems to be linked to it - so maybe it's not so far fetched!)

A few years ago I had a aha! moment... one that made me realize that I had what I wanted in life... I didn't need to share that with ANYBODY. My life was exactly what I wanted. Ok, sure, there's still things i "want" but I realized that that was always going to be the case. If i accomplished everything i wanted from the get go - what would be the point of going on? I didn't need to prove anything. I realized then that when my 10 yr high school reunion came around I would be HAPPY not to go.

High school was ok for me... It wasn't horrible or anything... but i was the girl that was "everybody's friend"... You know the one? Takes no sides... can't stand confrontation... and people did like me, as a friend... which can hurt a little when you're a teenage girl... you want at least SOME poeple (aka the guy you have a major crush on!) to take you a little more seriously... and THEN in that same aha moment you realize that that guy hasn't changed since high school... and you have. What a sweet moment!

Some of those people I wouldn't mind seeing... I haven't talked to ANYBODY from high school in about 4 or 5 years... and before that it was very few in between. I went off to english school after HS and 98% either went to french school (since it was a french HS!) or didn't go on at all... so we lost touch... and i'm HAPPY about that. I now have friends that would walk to the end of the earth and back for me - real friends you DREAM about growing up... I FOUND THEM. I never would have had I remained friends with those i went to HS with. I probably would still have esteem issues - because i would never have gotten a clean slate.

I'll never know. Life, 10 yrs after graduating from HS is finally sweet. My 3 yr wedding anniversary is coming up in September and I honestly married the best guy out there for me! I'm expecting twins this fall... we have the house in the country we've always wanted... i'm going to be a stay at home mom/work from home mom and my business/art is where I want it to be at the moment. I would say I'm lucky - but it wasn't really luck... it was hard work (especially the pregnancy part!) and it paid off. If I attended the reunion I would most likely end up feeling little at some point in time... and that's just wrong.

:)


On a seperate note - this thing super ticked me off this morning... My dh got an email from the admin at work (we work together) saying he had a milk container in the fridge "that no longer looked like milk and could he deal with it before it exploded" He has a blackberry - so we got the email before we came in this morning (in the elevator actually!) and I was SOOOOOOO embarassed. I completely forgot that I had a container of milk at work in the fridge... I forget EVERYTHING since i'm pregnant i swear... it's just a little juice jug thing that has maybe a cup and a half of milk in it. We get to work and the "kitchen" is right by the entrance... and we go in - although i wasn't going to deal with it since i can't handle horrible smells since I'm pregnant... ANYWAYS - the container had a tiny bit of dry milk at the top which would indicate it was no longer good - but other than that? IT LOOKED LIKE WHITE MILK. I was expecting a disaster. The container had warped a tiny bit - but who's to say our container isn't warped?!?!?! The smell: NONE. It didn't even smell bad.

Just like that i went from being embarrased to being offended/insulted. WTF? I know I know - it's my hormones making me so ticked off - but give me a break. "no longer looks like milk" "before it explodes" when neither were true. ARH.

23 weeks.

23 weeks and terrified again.

An online friend of mine after FOUR years of secondary infertility and finally getting pregnant natrually lost her baby at 39 weeks within 8 hrs of her SCHEDULED c-section. There was a full knot in his cord. It happened friday - I found out Sunday and couldn't stop crying. A wonderful photographer friend took photographs for the family and I forced myself to watch - because she's a friend... and I cried so much more... My dh tried as best he could to console me... but he too was very confused.

how does that happen? HOW CAN LIFE BE SO CRUEL?

Since then I've been terrified. I can't stop praying that my babies will make it here HEALTHY :) I know what happened to them doesn't happen often... but it's still scary.

Other than that - I felt a kick with my hand for the first time this week-end... I think it was baby B kicking hard - but it could have been A - i can't REALLY tell! My dh "kind of" felt it - i felt about 3 strong kicks but only the first was REALLY really strong. it was a really cool feeling. Hopefully A. gets to feel it soon!

We've been to the beach 3 times in the last 4 days to cool off... it's been SO nice... it's awesome having a beach that's 15 minutes away... and we go in the evenings and it's always really quiet! it's been helping me feel better too, physically!

On the nursery front - my dh finished one of the dressers he was working on - he stripped it and repainted it - and it looks FABULOUS. The next dresser needs sanding and repainting - and should be done next week-end... I can't wait - it's coming together!

Other than that - the heat wave we're having these days has seriously taken it's toll on me. I cannot handle the heat when i'm NOT pregnant let alone when I am... This extra weight and blood isn't helping me much at all :(

I stepped on the scale this morning... +29 pounds at only 23 weeks. SHIT. BUT it'll ALL be worth it!!!

23 weeks and I can't shake how cruel life can be sometimes....

Wrap & Baby (includes photos)

As mentioned in yesterday's post, here are photos of my friend, her 3 week old and the wrap I "made" them :) I just talked to her and she's been using it in the past few days ... YEAH!! :)

22 weeks.

Today, i'm officially huge. I stepped on the scale... and hit the wall in front of me! ha!HA! Last time I got on (which i don't exactly remember when but it was in the last 2 weeks for sure) i don't think i was that close to the wall! ha!HA!

Yesterday I visited a friend who has a 3 week old :) and brought her a handmade wrap (kind of like the cuddly wrap at www.peapodcreations.ca) by handmade i mean i simply cut stretchy fabric I already happen to have :) It worked GREAT and she's totally in love with it :) I took photos - i'll try to share tomorrow. She can now walk around hands free and take care of her toddler :) she also said she had the most relaxed diner she's had since they came home from the hospital :) Her baby fell asleep almost instantly in it!! I'm SO happy she was happy with it :) I have one too for when the twins come - and I can make more I still have lots of fabric left over. I also ordered rings from www.slingrings.com Now I just have to buy fabric to make a few ring slings... I figure I can make them for less than 20$ including the rings - and the nice ones sell for like 80$CDN - so i'm happy :) I'm thinking of making that same friend one as well :)

On Saturday I cut fabric to make 75 wipes... that's a WHOLE lot of wipes!!! I'm done sewing 25 of them :) and by the week-end i should be all done... :) they look fantastic (for homemade, imo) - my friend wanted to buy some! :)

Last friday we had another u/s - everything still looks great. They're almost both at a pound each right now! :) Next one is in 2 weeks - and they'll start measuring the cervix at that appointment... can't say i've missed the wand, but i'll get over it!

the babies are moving more and more too - i feel them daily now - just not as much as I know i'm about to start feeling them :) It's really really really helped me relax to feel them - i kept thinking it would help me relax - but i seem to do that ALL the time "let me just get to the next stage and i'll relax" and sure enough there would always be more to stress about. At this point, I can HONESTLY say that I feel MUCH better and I feel like I'm almost normal. I *almost* feel like I fit in with the pregnant crowd these days - which is a surreal feeling. I'm guessing it wont last - but i'm going to enjoy it while it's here. or try to.

Oh - and thanks for the comments on the cloth diapers :) it's going to work out - it's our ONLY option - especially now that i've bought the diapers :) I'm NOT going back to work after the babies come - and we might save 4500$-5000$ by doing cloth diapers with twins... I'm willing to do A LOT to save that kind of $ (plus the whole env. thing - i much prefer this way...) besides - this keeps up a tradition... nobody's been diapered in disposable diapers on my side of the family (cousins yes, but I was in cloth, my mom was obviously in cloth and so on... :) )

22 weeks pregnant and having a hard time sleeping - but other than that doing GREAT. The heat & humidity has been quite bad here and i've been slacking on my water intake - so I've been swelling - not pretty. I hope i can keep my ankles for a while longer before they disappear.. :)

Oh and for a visual of where i'm from, check out Jenny's blog - she just vacationed in my province and had a blast! :)

21 weeks.

we're completely over the half way mark now. wow.
This is also my 100th post!

I'm feeling more and more movement - although I went through about 48 hours where i hardly felt anything - and it was freaking me out. I don't feel alot - but i now tend to feel daily - so not feeling anything was stressful... We get to see the monkeys on Friday again... so that should reassure me!

My first order of cloth diapers came in the mail on friday! So i spent part of the week-end prepping them...





The nursery is also starting to look more and more like a nursery :)

I've also bought material to make wipes :) and to make my diaper bag... just waiting for the pattern to arrive! Oh - and i've reasearched the best slings for twins and how to make them - hoping to be able to make a few... I might end up buying 2 Mei Tai's but I will probably make my own ring slings... can't imagine paying THAT much for say 4 slings :( they're crazy expensive - but at the same time I can't imagine NOT having slings for when the babies get here!!

On the IF front - this week-end I was absolutely beside myself reading a board i used to read all the time. I was in so much pain for the women/couples on there... I was litteraly in tears wondering how come i've made it. Wasn't it just a few months ago I was asking "why me?" now i'm asking myself why me again - with a different question??? what is wrong with this picture?? I still think "WHY US?" about IF - cause we're still infertile. But at the same time, i'm so greateful that IT DID WORK for us - that i hardly want to allow myself to think "why us? why are we infertile?" thinking the gods might punish us. It's one messed up concept IF :(

I also need to start acting out about IF. I need to start putting preasures where they should be put. Not that I think my little voice alone will be heard, but anything is more than nothing. I emailed the local IAAC chapter girl about their latest newsletter saying I needed to start doing something about IF because I KNEW i couldn't go through treatement AND fight at the same time, i'm just not strong enough. She replied that it was really good that I was still willing to do something about it now... and that MANY can't fight and go through treatement at the same time... She added that most patients, once they get pregnant or have a baby, become completely silent. And I can easily see that happening for many - I can even see it happening for myself, I KNOW i tend to be lazy - even about things i REALLY care about... BUT that's motivation enough. WE NEED TO PUSH.

I'm normally the kind to sit back and keep quiet. And even my dh said "but do you really think anything we do could make a difference?" and really - i don't know the answer... BUT i keep thinking that if women hadn't put pressure years and years ago - perhaps we STILL wouldn't be voting. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO VOTE? That is inspiration enough. Why live live like a bump on a log? SPEAK UP!! :)

21 weeks pregnant and feeling like although we still have a million things to do - we're getting a little more prepared. Good thing, because *if* we end up in the "average" at our hospital for twin deliveries - in 3 1/2 months (or less) our babies could be here. GOODNESS!!!