12dp5dt - still waiting on the BETA

but i'm obviously not pregnant. I POAS yesterday before my blood work -- not a HINT of a line. NADA.

I can't believe it. I was ready for my embryos to not make it for whatever reason.... but at this point it's MY FAULT. We transfered a GREAT and a GOOD embryo. That dr. gave me HOPE DAMN IT.

I cannot stop crying - the ugly cry. I've never been HERE. Last time was a fresh cycle and we were blessed. Now -- we've wasted about 2000$ on nothing but PAIN. We're now going to have to spend 12 000-15 000$ on BLIND FAITH that it MIGHT work again - because frankly - at this point i'm thinking the first time was a fluke.

I should shut up and count my blessings - I KNOW I AM BLESSED. I know this. But it doesn't NOT make me feel HORRIBLE. It doesn't take away all the pain. i still feel like a failure.

I feel like I was aborted against my will. I feel like I was pregnant -- and now i'm not. I feel like somebody is stabbing me every 2.4 seconds of every day and night. I can't sleep but yet I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm DEVESTATED.

I have NEVER tried to imagine how I might feel if it didn't work. But i never expected THIS. I thought that I would feel like "SHIT - it didn't work" but that's not anywhere close to how i feel. I don't feel like "this didn't work" I feel like "I DIDN'T MAKE IT WORK. I LET OUR EMBRYOS DIE" I feel like these are babies we'll never get to meet -- and I never ever thought i'd feel like THAT.

I know the tears will eventually stop - as they always do -- but i'm not sure when the hurt will subside.

I wish the damn clinic would just call with my damn results. so I can stop analyzing everybody's beta results at which "day past transfer" giving myself glimmers of hope that shouldn't be. Seriously -- it's over.


ETA: They finally called. 26 hours after I took the damn test. It's..... negative. how surprising.