Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Genetics Appointment - and then some.

I wrote this post a while back, but never managed to add it to my blog - so it's popping up where it belongs, even though new posts have been made since!


I guess weird is a good word for it.

We stopped for lunch on the way to montreal - and i decided to suck it up (i have issues, really i do!!) and call the clinic and ask to speak directly with that girl who had told us they could fit us in for sure if we happened to be in montreal because we're from far. I leave her a message, ask her to call me back on the cell. We get to montreal - it had been about an hour since i had called - we park - go to the parking machine, come back to the car... we're just about to put the ticket in the car - A. says "oh my god - that's the phone" jumps in - answers... she says "we can "fit you in" this afternoon - at 1:30" I said that wont work - our appointment is at 1 - could it be at 3 - just to be safe. She says the lab closes at 3 - so it has to be before - i said "ok, we'll try our best to be there between 2:30 and 3, thank you" At one point she said "i can give you 1:30, or 2:00 or 2:30..." um... funny that they have ALL of this availability but more than once A. was told it was absolutely impossible between now and October? sure...! :( ANYWAYS - all that to say - we were about to head into the children's hospital for our genetics appointment - so the phone would have been OFF obviously - and we don't have voice mail on that phone! It was such timing - it was crazy...

So we go for the genetics councelling - after spending a while in a children's waiting room to get our hospital cards... i have to say that it's kind of ironic that we had to do this at the children's hospital, don't you find? but then again, it's incredibly logical - they usually do genetics testing in kids!! on a good note - that means that the service/staff was all incredibly nice, which helps!
The councelling part was like an hour talk on what this could mean and answering questions and stuff... she talked with the assumption that A. was missing what he was apparently missing, although we did tell her that it was probably now the wrong diagnosis - but still. On top of it - now we know that his cousin is a carrier, so there's a high chance that he could be too even if he doesn't have what the specialist originally thought. More than that - apparently french canadians are at an incredibly high risk... and they've really been studied at this hospital - so much that it had a spot for ethnic group on the form and the first is French Canadian - and then there were only 4 more listed (including other) So in a way that's good - cause the detection rate is higher in french canadians because they've studied it so much (i say that cause they can test for something like 400 things in blood - and they now know which of those things should be tested for french canadians for example... otherwise, they only test for the main things)
Then she said "now you have to go to the lab, get bloodwork done..." i'm staring at the clock... i ask "can we leave, and come back? We need to do another test before 3..." SURE, no problem... SOOO we leave the children's hospital - head to the Royal Victoria hospital. It's CLOSE. Takes us about 35-40 minutes to get there - we're freaking out. We drive to the closest door, A. jumps out and runs basically - it was passed 2:45... but it was fine!! I waited in the car (if you saw this parking lot, you'd understand!) and then we drive back to the children's hospital. 10 minutes. Isn't that crazy?! On the way there we were in a hurry - it takes forever - on the way back - super quick... anyways- we go to the lab - we didn't wait too long... again, funny - cause all geared towards children... although it was kind of hard to watch so many sick ones go by :( but we finally go in... i seriouly cannot believe that the woman who took our blood normally takes children's blood. She was AWEFUL - i felt like launching a complaint. She was nice, but goodness she hurt us - and taking blood never hurts... She tied the thing on our arm SOO tight - i almost went cross eyed - usually it hurts a little - but goodness not that much! AND THEN when it was my turn - she couldn't find the vein. This happens often with me - so much that i typically tell the technician that this is the case... the last 3 times i've had it done in wakefield the techs almost laughed at me afterwards saying that they weren't hard to find at all! SOOOO i didn't say anything to this girl... mistake. Once she had it in - she was like fishing for my vein - and kept looking at me asking me if i was ok...?? I was like "um, yeah - i'm fine - ARE YOU??" in the sense that "do you know what you're doing?!" cause she fished for a while - A. said he almost yelled "obviously, that's not working, try somewhere else" he was nearly sick just watching her fish in my arm like that!! And at that point i said "yeah - my veins can be hard to find apparently..." anyways- then she took 4 things of blood, then you know how they pull the needle out and put a gauze on it - well, she pushed the gauze on me before the needle was actually out - which obviously hurts a little... right? I just kept thinking "um, you don't do it that way..." but on top of it thinking "goodness that must hurt a kid?"

you'd think that the lab technicians at the children's hospital would be the cream of the crop? it was very weird...!

AND THEN - we leave to drive home. It's now 4pm. took us an hour and a half to start really moving. We've left montreal twice in rush hour - and never sat in traffic like that - obviously, summer is over! We stopped for diner (fast food so not long) - and for 10 minutes at petsmart - and we got home at 8:15. Left the house at 9 am. We were so tired... I just kept thinking "great way to start our week, don't you think?"

Anyways - now our appointment on the 21st should be more valuable... and then on the 5th we may actually be able to discuss plans... IF everything goes "well" (keep your fingers crossed!) it could be that we could start IVF this fall i guess - depending on our new diagnosis with A. i guess... We shall see!

Friday, August 26, 2005

a little more normal today...

I'm starting to feel a little more normal, I think. I feel like I can possibly read on infertility without losing my mind. that's progress.

Although i'm not sure yet.

I'm gearing up for a BUSY work week-end - but should manage to wrap things up nicely to be able to enjoy a few weeks off... hopefully.
I still need to schedule a few Annie sessions - the ones that are therapy for my soul... I better get on that before it's too late, and i'm swamped again.

I've told one of my cousins about our fertility issues. She knows (more than most!) how news spreads like wildfire in our family... so she'll keep it to herself. I'm sure of it. I just may schedule some time to come over and visit with her 4 month old... she's such a good baby... it's funny how that can be partially abuse, partially therapy to me....

I promise to force myself to slow down in Sept. I have to. I WILL burn out otherwise. And hearing "i told you so..." from myself doesn't sound like something i want to hear.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I just can't -

catch up.

so much to do.
so far behind.
emotionally drained.

what's one more day? A LOT when you asking yourself that every single day... BUT if i don't sleep NOW - nothing will get done....

I NEED A HOLIDAY far far away where i have NOTHING to think about.

I just got off the phone with my sister. She was talking about putting a scrapbook together of her recent travels... she says "but i probably wont do it till i get to mexico..." cause she's about to be gone again.

Imagine, living life so relaxed?
I can only dream. SO why did i create THIS life for myself?? It doesn't seem to add up...?!

i can't think anymore. i need a [mental] break.

Maybe, just maybe - then i would stop crying sometimes?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

More confused than ever. If possible.

I'm so confused.

The urologist said that for sure my dh was missing a vas deferens. FOR SURE. Even after I asked straight out "are you saying this could be? or you're saying that THIS IS IT?" and he assured me that was it. He was wrong. I understand that drs can be wrong - and i know the ultrasound my dh was sent to was to verify this... BUT... why couldn't he say "it's probably what he has..."?!

We had a pretty clear picture of what was happening... and now, all of a sudden... it's completely blurry again.

They're both there (no questions about it) so what does that mean for us?? WHY is the sperm count ZERO?? Does it mean that maybe, just maybe it could be fixable?? (get off your cloud dummy!!)

We're leaving the hospital yesterday, my dh says "well, if in fact it's not missing, then that means that the genetic testing is kindda usless, no?" (meaning he wouldn't be at a higher chance anymore...) WELL, perhaps the clinic heard... cause they called while we were on the road (left a message on the machine) to schedule an appointment... funny timing. Anyways - I called back today - and she could do one on Monday... she said "are you sure? you don't want to wait till you're coming for something else?" NO. I WANT IT NOW. It takes a min. of 6 weeks to get the results - do you think i'm going to wait another 6 weeks just to do the darn blood test? I DON'T THINK SO... I figure, even if my dh is not at a higher risk - why risk it at all? We're so close to finding out if either of us carry the CF gene - we'd be really dumb to decide not to test... especially since the dr. gave us the req. It would be a completely fluke that we'd both be carriers... BUT hasn't this whole thing been a fluke?! NORMAL PEOPLE CAN HAVE BABIES BY HAVING SEX...!!! Anything else, is a fluke of nature, if you ask me.

So, we're heading back to Mtrl on Monday. Less than a week after our last appointment (which was yesterday). We booked a followup with the urologist (who happens to NOT be taking any appointments in Oct. so we were lucky...) for the 21st of Sept. Back to Mtrl. Back on the 5th of Oct. I just hope that these appointments are valuable... and that they allow us to progress...


I WANT A BABY. Oh wait, if you're reading this (thank you by the way ;) ) you already know that part!


I keep seeing this commercial on tv for "Terry" the Terry Fox story that's coming soon... and you hear "Terry" say how he doesn't stop at "why him" when he knows that Cancer affects people all over the world, all the time... that he's not unique... and everytime i hear it i want to cry. Why can't I have that strenght? NO - i don't pretend i have cancer, goodness I don't. But everyday I wonder WHY ME in this battle. NOT why me, it should be somebody else - JUST WHY ME?? WHY does it have to be difficult for US? Infertility affects SOOOO many people - why ANY OF US?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Family History... a report.

We finally got our package for the genetic testing. 2 LONG questionnaires about our family.

Overall, I know it's good - we don't have "sick" families. For that I'm thankful. Having this is also great for when we DO have children, if something comes up - then we've already done this work.

Still - I couldn't fill them out without crying.

Does anybody have spinia bifida? Yes, lost a cousin at 8 weeks.
Does anybody have birth defects? Yes, A.'s cousin did.
Does anybody suffer from infertility? Yes, that same cousin did because of the birth defect.
Was anybody diagnosed with cancer younger than 50 yrs old? Yes, A.'s aunt.

I know this is a "good" thing to do... because otherwise we could end up with a child with CF. Of course we're better off knowing. But how many people do you know has their genes "tested"?!

My sister can't stop talking about "but they want to know all that stuff for when you have a kid to see if he/she will be at risk for stuff... " NO - this is ONLY for genetic testing. There are no criterias at the fertility clinic that make it so you're asked all these questions. Goodness, if that was the case, wouldn't EVERYBODY having a baby do this kind of research?! In her mind, they're going to produce a report that will say something like "you kid is at risk for this and this and this and this." Even though i've told her over and over that this is ONLY to know if either me or my dh carry the CF gene. This is with a GENETICS clinic, not the fertility clinic. ARH. Still, she thinks i'm wrong. ?!

Is it actually sad and nerveracking? Or is it simply that anything can cause those emotions in me these days?

We've faxed the "package" to the clinic... keeping my fingers crossed for an appointment SOON. I made it quite clear, in a very polite way - that we hope to get an appointment soon because we would seriously like to move onto IVF as soon as possible. Now, i just pray that they didn't take that as pushy and put me at the bottom of the pile. Who knows how people can react :( I was nice. I swear.

Why can't it just be a normal blood test?? Why can't they tell me NOW if we carry the CF gene? Why can't we start IVF now? Why can't i be pregnant now?


On a seperate note, we're headed to a wedding reception tomorrow... the whole family will be there. Now, just how often do you think i'll be on the verge of tears? I'm going to guess 8. that seems about average?

My [other/little] sister is now home.... I justed talked to her quickly on the phone. I'm at work. Obviously - I didn't "tell" her - but i asked her if my mom told her our "life story" ... she said "kindof" i said i couldn't talk (obviously - don't need everybody here to know too) and she said "ok, we'll talk later..." and i said "sure, but that's it. there's nothing to really talk about. It's kind of black & white... no gray area..."

Thursday, August 18, 2005

People who don't get it.

Some people do, some people don't. Some people ask questions, others simply assume. Some think they know what it means - others admit they have no idea.

We had to tell a friend (P) at work because he happens to be my supervisor. We had to tell him, because he approves my leave. My dh told him - because I was just going to email him. I can't handle pity looks - and I can't stand crying at work. (i do enough of that in my cubicle in any case).

This was over a week ago. Dh says "he was really nice about it..." which is NOT surprising, he's a people person... anyways. we leave it at that. On monday A says "but he did say a few things that made me realize he has no idea of what we're going through..." And he starts.

First thing. A mentions "at some times we'll need 2 back to back days or parts of 2 days because we'll need to spend the night in Mtrl..." P.'s response: "Oh yeah, to at least make a getaway out of it... since you have to go to Montreal anyways... might as well make the best of it..." Um... NO!!!! Getaway?! Do you know how much i'd kill for my BED those nights??? Give me a break. It's not a walk in the park... it's not that we're going to Mtrl to just see a dr. who will prescribe pills or something. It's PROCEDURES. Crappy ones. IF we have to spend the night, it's because our appt. may be really early in the morning the next day... OR because we'll have to "do things" that will make it very uncomfortable to drive 3 hours home... OR because we'll need to be at the clinic back to back days. "a getaway"!? THANK GOODNESS he didn't say that to me - i would have lost it. A. just shook his head and didn't say anything. But then he was so stunned, he couldn't think of anything to say.

Second thing. P. mentions that friends of theirs had a really bad pregnancy (not getting pregnant, just once pregnant) and she had to take a lot of drugs to sustain the pregnancy. He goes on to say "now they don't know if they'll have another kid because the few 1000$ it cost in pills was so expensive." Of course A. didn't say anything to P. about it - but as he's telling me this - he just goes on to say "uh... no. They're probably really scared for the baby and the mom's health... but a "few thousands" in medication - yeah right" As in you don't put a price on your children... AND chances are (although i know it's not for sure - but high chances those drugs were covered for this couple) Just goes to show how LITTLE he understands about what A. told him. Of course they didn't discuss $ - but if he thinks that drugs are "too expensive" what the heck would he think if he really knew how much this was going to cost us? How cannot you not assume thought at that point that IVF must be more expensive than drugs? Of course i understand that people don't know that - we didn't realize exactly how intensive this whole thing would be either - i get that... but to make a stupid false statement about somebody he "knows" is just crazy - especially since our situation will cost us probably close to 40,000$ if we're lucky. (ok, lucky would be less - i just don't want it to be more...)

All of this from somebody who I think has the weirdest parenting values. Everyday when he mentions his children i want to slap him and [now] say "at least you have kids..." They seem to be such a chore... I now believe they had kids "because that's what people do." I do not believe they fit into their lives very well. I feel horrible for thinking it - but i do. They were just on holidays for 2 weeks. A wednesday to a tuesday. They sent the kids to daycare on the last day - to have a "holiday". Makes my blood boil. Makes my dh's blood boil too. I fully understand that couples need "couple" time - but I CANNOT imagine being at HOME with my dh while my kids are sent to DAYCARE. Isn't that the kind of thing you want to do when you can drop them off so they can spend more time with grandparents or aunts/uncles? I know - none of my business. Just makes me sad. So many would do so much to be able to stay home with their children... Oh - and she doesn't work full time yet and the goal was to keep ONE of them home one day a week. Can you imagine telling the other sibling "oh no, you have to go to daycare while your brother stays home with mommy" They're little. They live in the now. "it's your turn NEXT week" doesn't have much impact on a 2 year old. She cannot for the life of her manage 2 children at the same time. And I say that was the goal - because i wouldn't be surprised to find out she just sent them both to daycare to have alone time. She's "home" when the cleaning lady comes for goodness sake... i guess it's just cause they live the life of "rich" people or something - something i would NEVER be able to live. Goodness this makes me sound like a bitch.

My cousin's dh is on parental leave for 10 weeks. They have THREE boys. he's alone with them - all day, everyday.

Some get it - some don't... It's true about infertility - and it's obviously true about parenting.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I'm tired of not feeling like myself.

Yesterday was a weird day - today is worse. Part of yesterday was good - parts were bad. Today just seems bad.

I'm tired of being behind in things. I'm tired of forgetting things. Last night I forgot to do something from the time it took me to get from my inlaws to my house. FIVE MINUTES. Thought of it this morning. I feel HORRIBLE. I feel awful almost all the time.

I'm sitting at my desk, and I want to cry. again.

I'm tired of wanting a life I can't have. I'm annoyed that I have to go through what i have to go through. I'm selfish. Normal people don't have to live this. I am a hardworking person who has strong values. THIS SUCKS.

I am sick of people asking me when we'll have kids. or if we're "even thinking about it".

To say i have good days and bad days makes it sound like i'm fighting an illness that is going to kill me. I know better. I know i'm not. I know this is temporary - and a little bump on our path. I'm intelligent enough to understand all that - but today I just want to scream WHY ME. THIS SUCKS and it should only happen to bad people.... which of course leads right to... "what have i done to deserve this?!"

My little sister comes home on the week-end, I haven't seen her since june. Once I tell her the hell we're living - I think I may tell "everybody" - which means just telling one or 2 people in the family and just like that EVERYBODY will know. I don't want everybody to know - but I think I just might bite somebody's head off - the next one who makes a comment about me having children.

At our house warming this week-end, one of my aunts said "so i guess you guys aren't having many kids here..." Um... what? I was so annoyed. I just replied "well, let me put it this way - WE'RE NOT MOVING AGAIN." AND we "knew" we'd have 4 kids in that house before we were "informed" that we can't have any kids on our "own". Yes, we need to finish the basement - whatever - it was just such a STUPID comment :( Now we're not having 4 kids (unless in all this bad luck we strike gold!)

I just wish, from the bottom of my heart, that people would BUTT OUT. Don't ask stupid questions. Don't ask questions that are THAT personal - unless I've informed you that you can!! (i mean for family members that make stupid passing comments)

My SIL told my dh yesterday that 'we could stay with a family friend that goes to McGill anytime we need to... she lives close to the campus' (which is close to the fertility clinic) As nice as that "seems" - the last thing we want is to "camp out" at a student appartment (where? on a coutch? on the floor?) when we have to deal with this crap... We'll be wanting OUR BED so badly - it just seems crazy to think that anybody would think that's a good solution? Or are we being too picky? My dh was just annoyed that that probably means this girl in question had been told about our "situation" - which may not even be the case... either way- OBVIOUSLY we can't stay with her. I know they mean well, but thinking a little bit more about these things would help us the most...

I do have a cousin I will most likely call up if we need to spend the night in mtrl... as a last resort... a hotel would be better - but I can't see us spending that kind of $ all the time - besides, she'd completely butt out of everything, giving us our space - that i am positive of, and thankful I know I can call her if need be. She's not super close to downtown - but a heck of a lot closer than our 3 hr comute :(

Did i mention how not myself i am today? tears tears go away!! :(

Monday, August 15, 2005

The calm before MY storm.

I'm officially on semi-holidays.

Saturday I shot my last photo session until OCTOBER. I NEEDED a break for my sanity. I'm only on semi holidays because I still have proofing to do and orders to fill - but I *should* manage a few weeks of NOTHINGness in September....

I LOVE being a photographer... but this ordeal in my life needs to be treated as an ordeal... I NEED to take the time to enjoy life as it is before it gets MUCH crazier. Going through infertility treatment will NOT be a walk in the park, an managing to get myself in a good mental place BEFORE hand is probably the best thing I could do.

So - the next six weeks are FOR ME and my husband. They're for FAMILY & FRIENDS. They're so that I can FINALLY enjoy life as it is ment to be. I'm not "supposed" to work WAY TOO MANY hours in a week... I would like to go to work and come home to just "be".

I've gone from being a full time student to a full time job. Months later I started taking 2 to 3 photography classes at night. I LOVE learning & taking classes - it makes me SO HAPPY... but I went from THAT to diving into my part time business, which I also love. BUT combined, it has ment very little down time. Every day I find I'm looking more and more like my father who CANNOT sit still. I work hard to have a good life - but I WANT TO ENJOY IT. I don't want to wake up and realize that i missed it...

This is the calm before MY storm.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Things do NOT happen for a reason.

I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" and I resent those that do.

My SIL does. She strongly believes that. Everytime I hear her say it I want to slap her. (goodness, i'm not normally that mean!!)

To me, and this is pushing it - i know... but those who believe this have NOT had anything "bad" in their lives. My life, as a whole is DARN GOOD... but STILL a long time ago I found out that "things don't happen for a reason"... Sure, there was a reason i met my husband... i believe that... but I don't believe the bad.

Why did my grandmother die of ovarian cancer at 54?
Why did my grandfather die when I was in grade 5 of a heart attack, months after having surgery that was supposed to give him a longer life?
Why did my other grandfather die when I was enjoying myself in PARIS?
Why did my uncle drown on a june night 25 years ago?
Why did my aunt die in a CAR ACCIDENT in her 40s?
Why did my cousin die in a CAR ACCIDENT just months ago?
Why is my brother completely disconnected?
Why does my cousin's husband have to spend time fighting a stupid war in the middle east?
Why does my sister suffer from chronic fatigue?
Why do some people stay in emotionally/verbally abusive relationships?
Why do bad people become "parents"?

Why are we suffering from infertility?

[... the list goes on ...]

Honestly - to those that believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason - how can they explain ANY of the "things" i've listed? I know often, this comes from religious people that strongly believe in God... I know that. I obviously don't have strong beliefs (if any) and i know my SIL doesn't either... it's just something she prides herself in believing. WHY? And can't she see that it's NOT TRUE? Not just her - but everybody.

THINGS don't happen for a reason. NOT ALWAYS. That's just crazy.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Too much to do, too little time.

Today has been a crappy day. Usually mondays are FULLY dedicated to my photography - i live for my mondays - i LOVE having hours on end to dedicate ONLY to that. Hours that are normally incredibly productive.


I'm running around in circles, can't seem to catch up at all. I'm not sure what it is - i just seem down. My cold is back it seems - just enough not to be able to work hard... and it's hard work i need to be doing right now.

I keep reminding myself that i only have ONE more session until a long break - but then again, i still have orders to fill, proofing to do before and during this time....

I had a liver attack too this afternoon - which i KNOW is 100% linked to my stress. It drives me CRAZY to think i can bring those on so easily - but at the same time i can't control them once they're here.

I suggested to my dh we skip the baby and head to NZ till we run out of money... (at least i still have my humour, right?!?)

Oh... and it's REALLY hot again. Why can't we have normal summer weather?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Tests in 2 weeks - dh.

We've decided to go spend a night in Mtrl - my dh has tests the next day (the 23rd) we were trying to cram more in, but it didn't work out...

At least this way we get some out of the way...

Also means that we can get a follow-up sooner rather than later - which is ALWAYS a good thing!

We haven't heard back about the genetic testing (from neither hospitals in Ottawa nor Mtrl) so we're waiting.

I HATE that part. If at least I knew i had to wait say three months - but we had something scheduled... I just can't stand the 'lets hope they call soon...'

Now I'm thinking it will be Feb before we even start IVF... that's just out of a hat - but i bet you it's not very far from what our reality will be.


How to start a day on the WRONG foot...

I was in the "lunch room" this morning, heating up raspberries for breakfast and my old supervisor walks in...

and I swear this is what he said:
"SO... when are you going to have a baby... soon? come on... you were ment to be a mom... do you even want kids... when??? you should get started on that... "

He went on and on I swear i thought to myself "is he drunk? or high?" it was such odd behaviour... WHO SAYS that in any case?

I just felt like yelling GET OUT OF MY FACE :( I got back to my desk and thought "goodness, this is something I could claim as harassement" I wouldn't - but quite litterally - i "could".


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

October 5th 2005: Next Appointment @ McGill

finally - a next specialist appointment. After days of playing "tag" - i have a date. we've also scheduled my dh's SA at the same time. Hopefully we can schedule the u/s too for the morning.

Then, all we'll need is the genetic testing. Keeping my fingers crossed that either CHEO or the montreal children's hospital call SOON to schedule something... wishful thinking, I know - but seriously - that's all i've got to go on these days.

So I should be able to get through the next 2 months a little easier, now that i know of our next appointment... but we'll see I guess...!

party CRAP.

I'm sitting at work crying.

Mom emailed me saying "some people" in the family hadn't gotten the invite to our house warming next week-end (the 13th)... but yet my cousin, who LIVES with them got it. In my email it said "pass it on to those who didn't get it" and i did send it to them - but to an old invalid address apparently. "apparently" they informed me a while back of their address change. If they did that, they did it to my OLD address. So there, they were the first to mess up - cause i never got their change of address.

they claim that only my other cousin probably got it and it went unnoticed. I don't even have his email address. AND they said they only reason they now know is cause i talked to J. about it the other night via msn. SHE BROUGHT IT UP - i didn't. so obviously SHE KNEW. They're just being picky. it's annoying me to no end.

another aunt said "she can't open it" she can NEVER open my stuff - usually because of typos. She can view my site - so SHE CAN SEE the damn invite. JUST CLICK ON THE LINK or copy and paste. SIMPLE.

I just wrote back to my mom saying "listen, i tried my best, i don't have time to tripple check that each family member got an invite - they know about it - so what's the issue?"

Then i went on to say I was in a really bad mood - and that I probably shouldn't have ever attempted the house warming party. it was supposed to be casual "pass it around" type of invitation... ON TOP OF IT that aunt & uncle probably can't come.... so they're just complaining for NO REASON.

I've been playing tag with the fertility clinic as well as local clinics for appointments. I am stressed to the MAX... and I'm behind in my work. AND our house isn't "house warming ready" :( my office looks like a war zone... and our dishwasher's broken (well, only because the watersoftner is broken)... we have walls that needed to be painted, but now most likely wont be painted till later. and as much as that doesn't "reall" matter - we had the ceilings painted, so those wall have white paint for about 2 inches all around the room... sloppy! Oh - and to make everything worse, the flower beds look abandonned - cause frankly they are... but how welcoming can that possibly be?

OH - and this week-end while at a family party my sister WHO WILL BE HELPING ME that day says "your party is on the 13th... right?" what!? as if she didn't remember. aaarrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh.

Like i really need to worry about this? Not the party in general - that part isn't stressful - but apparently this only works if i send out individually addressed invitations? BULL. If they're that offended, can't they just keep it to themselves AND STAY HOME?

I'm still sick... which i'm hoping people will associate to my now really red eyes if they walk in my office. I hate that i was so direct with my mom - but I CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. It's not like the "only thing" in my life at this moment is our house warming... that part if FLUFF - just a nice get together to see people we haven't seen in a while :) and to show off our new home.

Maybe i should email them and say "listen, it was just a general invite, but in fact i really didn't expect (read: WANT) you to come"?!


Something More [Sugarland] - lyrics

Lyrics often have a huge impact on my mood & my thoughts... I thought that when a song moved me, or made me think - i'd post the lyrics here. I normally want to keep track of them, nad then usually forget to do so.

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than thisI need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

Repeat Chorus

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirt, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
but I ain't gonna answer thats for sure.
There's gotta be something more!

No need for a Passport.

Today - this is the hardest thing for me to come to terms with apparently - i just can't get over it.

I will NOT be travelling anytime soon. How sad is that?

I used to always tell people that they should ALWAYS have a valid passport - just ready to go. ALWAYS. I strongly believed in it...

The last time I mentioned renewing our passports (they expired mid may 2005) was while my dh and i were waiting in the waiting room for our "results" appointment at my family dr's clinic. We didn't expect bad news. We were just chatting and i just said 'we really need to send in the passport forms...' and JUST LIKE THAT - minutes later, there was no longer a point to send in those forms.

Last minute trips wont come up - because money wont allow it.

I have NO idea what i will see next. I have ZERO plans of international travel... and that makes me really sad. Where will I go next? What part of the world will I never see :( Not that there was any hope that i'd see the WHOLE world - but goodness i had more hope than i do now.

I will NOT be able to photograph my cousin's wedding in the caribbean in Jan. 2007. By that point, we'll either have a little baby OR be very pregnant. I could do the "with the baby" thing, although my dh would have a bigger issue with that... obviously can't do the "very pregnant" thing. Overall though - what we CANNOT do is the "we want to go through this again, and if we spend our savings on travelling we may not have enough savings for our family". That's the part i can't do.

We've promised ourselves to NOT stop living our lives... But to be perfectly honest/selfish - if travelling $ did come up, i couldn't see myself spending it on a week in the south in January. For starters - it's just NOT my thing. Second, that's an expensive time to go. If i have to go down south - it would have to be at the cheapest time possible!! Besides, "if travelling money" does come up - it wont be until we have ALL of our children - which is OBVIOUSLY not going to happen by Jan. 2007. What's hard too is that prior to this life changing situation of ours - we would have been the first to be able to go. Geez, in the last 9 months only we've been to Scotland and Florida, twice! (the florida part!)

Funny how in a way i feel sad that I wont be at their wedding - and in another way i feel that i wont because i'm selfish. The reality is that it's just not feasible. It's not about being selfish.

I have always strongly believed that you can't "plan" your life - you have to let life string you along for the ride. I get this - but STILL I had aspirations obviously...
My goals are simple...

  • To live a happy life, surrounded by great people.
  • To have [4+] children and raise them with strong values.
  • To see the world and experience cultures around the world.
  • To get through this game of life as a player - not just watch life go by.

That's pretty simple. TWO of these goals are being challenged right now... and the last one, getting through this game of life as a player is pretty shaky at the moment. It's hard to feel like a "normal" member of society when you're handed a hand like this. I know i don't have a choice in the matter... but it's still hard.

I do have to say that one of my original thoughts when I found out all this was "well, since this is going to take a while in any case, maybe nobody would care if i just took some of our savings and went to "hide" in central america somewhere... for about 6 months? to numb the pain a little?" Would that be considered hide and seek? or just plain runaway? I wish i had a simpler life.

So just like that - no need for a passport.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I have a cold.

And I had to stay home today. That SUCKS. i'm not supposed to use my sick days for ANYTHING at this point - I'm going to need them for the process about to start... but yet there's NO way I could have gone to work today.


I have loads of photography work to catch up on - but I'm too sick. THIS SUCKS. I hate feeling behind.

The positive though - is the the photographs i have to edit are of 3 wonderful sessions that had incredible subjects... that helps ;)

Other than that - my dh and I have been playing telephone tag between clinics & hospitals - it's quite annoying. When we left our appointment with my family dr. last week she said "the receptionist will set up the appointments for you" we get there - the receptionsist says "no, you just call to set them up" i was like "are you sure? michelle JUST said (after checking) that you guys would do it?" she says "no - you call yourself." FINE. Took her 10 minutes to find the number... I call - WRONG number. it was the number for the clinic - if i was a patient there. I'm NOT a patient there - i can't even be a patient there, wrong province. Anyways - now i'm not even sure I made the appointment at the right place. I've already done ONE ultrasound in Gat. that turned out to be useless because they didn't do it right, even after the dr. called to make sure that they did do the test she needed. So this is take 2... AND i'm not sure it's the right place. SUCKS.

My dh is currently going through the same kind of run around. AAAARHH.

Why can't any of this be STRAIGHT FORWARD?

I'm also waiting on the fertility clinic to call back for MY appointment... I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that all our testing/preliminary appointments cound be completed by the end of Sept. and hoping we could start our first IVF cycle at mid October.

BUT we're waiting on the genetic testing also - and i have no idea how long that could take.

I don't like being in the "system" like this :(

The Positives +++ (and a few - )

No, not a BPF... not yet. Far from it. But the positives in our current situation.

  • We are patients at one of the worlds top 3 clinics of infertility treatement.
  • We know where we're heading - IVF. No more wondering. That's a great relief.
  • We have savings. plenty of them. By the time I leave for mat leave, we will most likely have enough savings for our 3 children. That's a great feeling.
  • I married somebody who wants children just as much as I do - and will walk to the end of the world to get them, if need be.
  • We are nearly positive that my dh can be the father of our children. That's an incredible positive.
  • So far, we're only dealing with MFI - I seem to be "ok" - which again, an great positive.
    I have a WONDERFUL family doctor.
  • I have wonderful support
  • I think that even with this diagnosis - I will most likely still be able to be a stay at home mom & part time photographer when the time comes
  • Maternity Leave in QC has just been upped to TWO YEARS... (1st yr @75%, 2nd yr @55% of UI) This is applicable to babies born after Jan. 1st 2006. So, it seems like our timing was good...!
  • We have the home we want to be in for the rest of our life... that's huge - because we no longer have to think about house savings/building costs... We've found OUR home and it was affordable on top of it! So we can go through all this - knowing that we don't have to think about needing a bigger/better home in the country at one point in time - we're there.
  • We currently have NO car payments :) and we can hopefully keep it that way for a while. We can manage one baby and Alfie in our little golf, NO PROBLEM. We hardly have a choice - and that's ok.

Some of the downfalls though - that we can seriously live with...

  • all of our savings will be "invested" in this... that means the safety net we have grown to love to have, we no longer will have.
  • My cousin is getting married down south in Jan. 2007 and would love to have me as her photographer... it probably wont happen - we will not be able to spare the $. In normal circumstances - we would have been the firsts to be able to jump on this... now we'll most likely have to skip it.
  • My passport has expired, and i'm not renewing it. I swore i'd always have an valid passport to be able to skip town, if something came up... well, realistically - NOTHING will come up now. Or it will, but i will NEED to skip. And i've come to accept that - although that part is HARD to accept.
  • Scheduling clients is about to become a complicated task... considering IVF takes place whenever it takes place - I'm no longer in charge. I have a hard time giving up control of my life.
  • I have to accept that 4 children is very unlikely at this point. It's difficult for me to accept this - it's not how I saw my life. But life doesn't just work how I want it to work - and this is a very obvious point of that...!!!

I feel that finding the positives is VERY important (obviously) but accepting the downfalls has been equally important. Otherwise, the denial doesn't end. I don't do well with denial. It would be a false world to live in if I *only* believed the "positive" side of this situation. Life will get better - and I very much look forward to being able to put this part of our life behind us. I look forward to having our family... I look forward to our 2 or 3 (or more) children :)