Saturday, April 29, 2006

Monkeys are FINE!!

Had the u/s this morning - they look great :) the dr. said I have a little bit of blood OVER one of the babies - but not in the placenta - and that there is no speration. He expects a little more bleeding and said he'd be REALLY surprised at this point if anything bad happened to our monkeys. YAHOO.

I think today was the best day of my life. Even when they told us at 6w we were having twins - i was still terrified that something would go wrong. Now, at nearly 12 weeks having seen the babies - I REALLY believe and feel like we're having twins. A fantastic feeling.

THANK YOU to those who replied with kind words - much appreciated!! Chas - your personal experience really helped me yesterday and I told my dh all about it - and it helped him too. THANK YOU for taking the time to share - you really calmed me!!

I'm 11w4d today... and the babies measured where they should! Now i feel like screaming it from the rooftops... WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! but we'll wait a few more weeks :)

Friday, April 28, 2006



11w3d pregnant.
woke up at 4:15 am SOAKED in RED blood. Got to the bathroom - pulled undies off - RED RED GUSHING BLOOD. LOADS of it.

I managed to NOT panic until I had cleaned it all up - semi assured myself that I thought the bleeding had stopped... went back to bed and LOST IT. Thank goodness for my dh.

We both showered and moved slowly - i wanted to know for sure that the blood had stopped. Got to the emergency room at 5:50 am. No u/s at this hospital - but only thing the doctor could do for us - so said "stick around - when you're "here" you're an emergency so we can get you an appointment at the hospital in town ASAP - we'll come see you at 8 am - that's when they open." It was TEN am by the time they came to tell us "here you go - you have an "emergency appointment" for tomorrow morning." WHAT? i have to wait till TOMORROW??? I would have gone straight to my fertility clinic - but it's 3:30 hrs away in the morning and there's no real chance they could have done much (although i'm guessing they would have done an u/s) but i figured if i started SUPER bleeding again - being in the car was the last place i'd want to be.

It hasn't come back - we came home and napped for 3 hrs (we were SOOO exhausted) and now i'm just praying I don't freak out before now and tomorrow morning. How i'll manage to sleep tonight is now beyond me.

For half a sec in the bathroom - horrible thoughts ran through my mind...
"my body just rejected 10,000$ worth of babies - how useless am i??"
"my sister shouldn't have gotten me involved or even talked to me about the intervention we have to do with my brother. I told her i wanted nothing to do with it till i was WELL into my second trimester because I wasn't going to be able to live with a tragedy due to stress..."
"my SIL shouldn't have told anybody we were having twins - i'm going to be VISIBLY mad at her if in fact we've lost one after we asked them ALL to keep it 100% PRIVATE"
"i shouldn't have gotten so worked up last night when the cat was pissing me off (regular occurance here - he likes to attack me for some reason :( "

and then some.

of course i also had the "of course something like this HAS to happen - you hear SO often of "blood" issues in pregnancy and none of it had happened to me - it was just a matter of time..."


Yes - pitty party of one here (or two - my dh is pretty freaked out too - although convinced everything is fine) The one thing that keeps me going is knowing a girl who had this happened at week 8 ish and she's still pregnant with twins well into her second trimester. there's hope. right?

Oh - the 'good' news is that the dr. believes it's most likely just something that "happened" and that things are fine. He said miscariages would typically not stop bleeding and i'd have cramping - which i've had NONE of. He said he'd normally be most worried about an ectopic pregnancy - but since we've seen our beanies at 6w he knows that's not the case. he said "sometimes just having sex can bring this on..." yeah - NOT what happened last night. ARH. oh the stress....

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

You know you're pregnant when....

you start crying watching Oprah. I watch Oprah quite often - and NEVER cry. Yesterday - I couldn't help myself when I saw the story of Jason McElwain, an autistic teenager who was given a "chance" by his AMAZING coach.

Also because I literally burt into tears at Nina's news :(

Also because i'm in a bad mood 90% of the time it seems - which is a WHOLE lot more than my usual self! Goodness this hormonal imbalance is doing a number on me.

Also because I can NEVER decide what to eat... and my dh was doing a TERRIFIC job at keeping up with everything... and I'm not sure if it's just because the damn NHL playoffs started - but we're back in the "i can't decide what we should eat" dilemna every night which is NOT helping my 90% bad mood situation. I CAN NEVER decide - because everything SOUNDS HORRIBLE. He seemed to get that a while ago - but seems to no longer get it. :(

The house is also a total mess... and I can't do anything about it. I come home from work DEAD... and if that's not enough - my butt/leg hurts I can't stand for long.

The VERY good news is that I only have 6 more injections of progesterone! YAHOO!!! which also means that in 6 days i turn 27!

I'm 11w1d pregnant and exhausted beyond belief... I'm PRAYING that the energy boost everybody talks about in the second trimester will happen to me!!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Only 2 more weeks...

until we get to see the monkeys again!

My next u/s is scheduled for the 4th. Then I'll see a dr. afterwards who will decide if they need to see me in high risk - or if I can just be seen my a regular OB. I thought it was automatic high risk - but i'm glad to hear it's not!

I'll be 12w2d then - i think it may even be safe to share that it's twins after that appointment - we'll see. Although since my family's pissed me off so bad I think I might leave them in suspence for a LOOOOOOOOONG time... cause that would annoy them! ha!HA! (i can be such a bitch!)

It's been BEAUTIFUL spring weather here - and it's helped my mood a lot :) sitting in the morning sun can do amazing things to a girl!

On a really really really sad note, my closest friend lost her grandmother last night, she died of natural causes in her sleep. The best way to go - but it still hurts... She was the only person my age (or as an adult at all!) I knew that still had ALL 4 grandparents.

and on a seperate but positive note as well - happy/positive thoughts are going Jenny who's going through IVF NOW - and going through the hardest part this week (imo!)

10w2d pregnant and i've felt ill all day because I had blood work this morning on an empty stomach at NINE (hello - why do they do this to pregnant women??) nothing's really helped today... counting the minutes till i can go home!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It was my fault...

I thought i'd share HOW exactly everybody found out we're doing IVF. I had ZERO intentions of sharing with my extended family that we did IVF. I'm not ashamed of having gone this route - but I think it's a very personal jouney and I didn't believe that we needed to share. I re-read my post and realize I made it sound like my dh is cold about the whole situation - but really - he's not... he REALLY didn't want them to know about IVF either (as they ALSO know that it's because of MFI - but then again that means nothing to them...) anyways...

when we first found out we had "issues" I told my parents... and I did NOT ask them to keep quiet... if you knew my parents, like me, you would have ASSUMED they would NEVER have shared such a thing. Well, the next day I find out through my sister that my parents were sharing. My mom told a few aunts (which would have been FINE, these aunts are like second moms to me - and those ones I would have been ok with them knowing - they wouldn't have shared with the world...) and my dad shared..... with my grandma. THAT was the damn mistake. Everybody knows that grandma can't know ANYTHING without sharing with the world.

So just like that - by not asking my parents to keep something private private - when I was 100% positive they WOULD without being asked I was screwed. My dh looked like he was going to cry when we realized that EVERYBODY knew. Just a quick approx. of how many people that is.... easily 80+ people. Ok - maybe they don't ALL know - but most of them do.

So how do you rectify a situation like this when you're to blame? Maybe I could mail them all an etiquette book? WHAT IS POLITE, and WHAT IS NOT? The next time it "gets to me" I'm going to tell my parents to undo what they did... that I do not care HOW but if they care for me to attend any family functions people are going to have to behave like adults. At the very least - they need to start keeping it to themselves... and understand that no, as much as you want it to be because you gossip like crazy - my repreductive history is NOT and will NOT be a topic of discussion at family gatherings. period. Do upon others as you would like others to do upon yourself is something I try to live by - and NEVER would I have the guts to be so rude to ANYBODY. It's not cause i'm the grand daughter/niece/cousin/sister that they can have so little respect. What really doesn't help is my mother not being able to understand at all how much this hurts. How much the journey hurt and how having everybody talking about it - especially when i'm there - hurts. If (and when, cause i feel it's coming) I do tell her that I cannot stand visiting with family who talk about it all the time - she wont get it. She'll act like it's pregnancy hormones and that I need to grow up. It hurt long before I was pregnant..... why can't she see that?

I was talking (more like venting) to a friend who said it was just cause they don't understand... and then I made her realize that even if she didn't understand she wouldn't behave like that either. ever. she agreed. They're just meddlers, they get into anybody's business and never think about how it may impact the person in question - and in this case both of us.

Another thing that completely bugs me is everybody who's not pregnant seems to find it hillarious to blame any reaction of mine -- on any topic -- on hormones. First, it's not true. Sure, i'm hormonal - but I react to things i would have reacted to prior to pregnancy. I still have a mind for goodness sake - apparently i'm to become a yes man in order to avoid those comments? AND THEN - like it's not bad enough they seem to need to say it over and over and over "oh it's just the pregnancy hormones...." again... and again.... and again.... Um - if you knew anything about pregnancy hormones you'd know that you're seriously PISSING ME OFF right now?? HELLO?

On a positive note.... I've made it to 10w today! double digits! 1/4 of the way there! Still playing phone tag with the high risk clinic which at first was fine - but after more than a week it's getting old and now i'm getting worried that they wont be able to see me during my 12th week. I NEED an appointment - if only for my nerves! (i'm looking forward to my next u/s to know that the monkeys are still doing well :) right now, i'm basically guessing!)

THANK YOU to everybody who's replied... It's great to know i'm not alone - or crazy! :)

Monday, April 17, 2006

I was right.


I was so mad last night driving back from my parents (an hr drive) and I had a horrible headache which my dh kept trying to tell me was probably from the stress of the day :( although i think it was directly linked to dill pickle chips i just HAD to eat yesterday...?!

I was so upset - i almost stormed out of my grandmothers - but then that's SO out of character for me... they would have blamed it on the pregnancy hormones and i just couldn't give them more amunition. At one point I had an aunt and my grandma behind me (standing - they could TOUCH me sitting at the table, that's how close) and grandma says "now we just have to wait to see how many..." to which my aunt replies really loudly "oh cause it's in vitro there's chance for more than one??" WHAT THE HELL? WHY can't people PRETEND they have respect? These babies will be 6 & 7 in this family..... and the first ones "planned". Do you think they sit around those other cousins that have babies and talk about "oh right - cause her baby will be born out of wedlock?" or "yeah but her baby was a complete accident?" NO - those are apparently things that most people have the decency to SHUT up about.... well - in my family in vitro is apparently "nothing".

I sat there and realized that as much as I couldn't wait to be pregnant I obviously did NOT go from carrying the IF pain for nearly a year (well, a year of knowledge about it - and 2 1/2 years of it just not happening!) to being an extactic pregnant woman that will discuss in detail how i got here. If they had ANY idea of the emotional pain I have suffered... the physical pain... the sleepless nights of stress... the frustrations at the damn injections... the moodswings because of the damn injections... the rediculous comments i've had to put up with.... maybe then they'd SHUT UP? But probably not. They believe that this was simply "how we got pregnant" just like that. Just like getting a hair cut or something.

So now I know for sure that EVERYBODY in my family knows it's IVF.... and NOBODY will be suprised to find out if it's twins - they're just waiting to be told either way. I am now going to make it a point to stay far away from them for a while. I can't handle the emotional hurt.

AND THEN.... diner was over at my parents (lunch was at grandmas) and 2 aunts came over (from the other side of the family...) anyways, we were all chatting... A. and I got ready to head out and one of my aunts said "are you feeling really sick?" and i said "yes, it was horrible - but I started taking anti-nausea pills which are helping a lot...." to which my sister yells from the other end of the kitchen in front of everybody "oh yeah, but are you sure you're not about to find out that those things cause spina befida or something?" THEN I STORMED OUT. I yelled "Sure, I'm TRYING to harm my children because I'm a HORRIBLE person." and ran down to the door and all I could hear was the chatting of "did she say "her children" did she mean she's having 2?" AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHH. Yeah - lets get stuck on that - and not the insensitive comment that was made.

Anyways - I knew I should have said I couldn't make it up - it would have taken me 2 seconds to come up with something - and they wouldn't have missed me one bit... after all they had all that talking about me to do. I would have saved myself a lot of hurt - that i knew was going to take place. My dh said "but don't be upset - you knew what to expect going into it..." but it still doesn't make it better. I am pregnant and quite obviously emotional.... but still in any state of mine I could NEVER imagine behaving like that towards somebody else... and goodness knows it's not cause i'm an angel. I just THINK. Then he said "next time you should just say something..." um yes - today was about 30 people for lunch... so maybe in front of 30 people I should stand up and ask everybody to PLEASE have the decency to SHUT up about my infertility issues and HOW we got pregnant. After all, we don't typcially discuss how many times somebody else had to have sex before they conceived... maybe we should????

9w6d pregnant and frustrated with most of my family...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter... or not.

I'm heading to a family gathering. I don't know who will all be there - but many. AND...... They'll ALL manage to comment on me showing. Which freaks me out. It's NOT normal to be "showing" at 9w5d. It's because of IVF. This is my first pregnancy - not normal that i'd already be in maternity clothes. To top it off - i like the top i put on - but it's a maternity one and i think it makes me look like an easter egg. Other than winter tops - NOTHING fits me as of today apparently. I'll just smile and nod, but in the end - if i was them i'd find it WEIRD that I was showing. Who will bring it up? (my family isn't very quiet!)

I wish i wasn't going. I knew it would be smarter to stay clear of 99% of my family while in my first trimester - WHY did easter have to be now? (kidding)

Oh.... and they need "before and after" maternity tops as well - then again - maybe they do... but this top i'm wearing was the best i could pick out that didn't have a HUGE poutch... it's stretchy - which means for me it probably wont fit for long - but that's ok. At the very least for today - it's LONG enough. and it makes me look quite pregnant.

Anybody else find that you WANT to hide it because it's too early??? not even 10w. come on.

ok - end of bitter rant.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


I'm 9w1d pregnant today. Still in denial.

I saw my family dr. last week - who was bouncing off the walls she was SO happy for us. Refered us to a high risk clinic which I'm now playing phone tag with. Oh the joy. A friend said "oh, you're just at the beginning of all the appointements... wait and see..." to which i promptly replied "Um, I THINK i've already had my fair share of appointments thank you very much!" Like I must have been at the fertility clinic a million times by now. Ok - maybe not THAT many times- BUT OFTEN.

I CANNOT wait to be out of the first trimester. I feel like I want to throw a party when it's over so that I can say "NOW I can celebrate being pregnant!!"

I'm on diclectin, an anti-nausea medication. I didn't want to have to take it - but I could no longer function. The days I could get up were getting quite rare. They've REALLY helped although today we were really late leaving home to come to work - because i really wasn't sure I could. It's 11 now and I think i'll make it through the day. I felt HORRIBLY sick last night - even on the drugs - and hardly slept - which is nothing new, i haven't slept in weeks really. If i'm sick tomorrow, i'll just have to stay home... I can't keep this up - and YES, this makes me feel like a wuss. Seems to me pregnant women typically go on with their lives... NOT me. Seems like most can deal with the nausea - but then i wonder if theirs was 24/7. I HATE feeling like a wuss - cause it doesn't help anything... I get into this pitty party and that can only put me in a bad mood - worse than the one i was in before I started feeling sorry for myself. Oh, and i thought with the nausea gone I might find my apetite - or at the very least be able to eat more stuff... NOPE - still very difficult to eat ANYTHING.

My poor dh is probably wondering WHEN i'm going to "come back". I'm in such a weird mood these days - I bug myself like crazy 95% of the time. the only time i seem content is when I go to bed at 7pm - that first 30 minutes is usually "ok"... beyond that I get restless!

I don't think i was prepared for the hormonal imbalance. I kept thinking "once I achieve pregnancy LIFE WILL BE GREAT." And don't get me wrong - I'm VERY happy - but it doesn't mean i'm not in a weird mood most of the time, and that, unfortunately - i have little control over it seems.

It seems all I do is complain - and the reality of it is that that's only true in my blog - or when I'm in a very bad mood at home. I'm cautiously excited that i'm pregnant - and most people around me don't know i'm in a bad mood. I'm not always negative - just on here it seems. I need to blow off steam i guess... My dh keeps telling me it's FINE to be in a weird mood - and that it's ok if life doesn't seem normal... but i know deep down he wishes things were different. Another thing that bugs me - those who are plain excited about our pregnancy - without CARING that we're "cautious". Some think we're crazy to think something bad might happen - and I just can't get myself to forget about that all together. I mean I'm confident in this pregnancy - but I refuse to deny anything "could" happen.... because i know i could never deal IF it did happen. My SIL has told everybody we're having twins even though we asked her to tell NOBODY. Why can't they respect the "cautious" part? Goodness, my family dr. even told us we shouldn't tell people we're having twins yet.

My goal for the week - WALK. I've been SOOOOO lazy cause i've been so sick and now that i'm on the anti-nausea pills I NEED to start walking a lot. I fear that i will be lazy till the end - and I cannot imagine carrying TWINS around if I'm progressively more and more out of shape. I need to get my butt in gear.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


No, not food. Normalcy.

Morning sickness is as bad as it will get now I think. I'm not vomitting - so it could get worse - but most days I can hardly move i'm so nauseated. I wonder how anybody gets through their days feeling like this. Yesterday I had to take yet another sick day - and I couldn't get up all day. At one point I felt like a total loser so i MADE myself sit up for a while... 2 minutes later I was lying down again - not able to tolerate the pain of sitting up. THAT's how nauseous i am.

EVERYTHING food wise looks/smells horrible. Yesterday I caught myself yearning for the old days - the days where I wasn't sick all the time... I was watching tv (yet again!) and found myself jealous of those on TV... they seemed to manage to go on with their lives like they didn't feel like throwing up every second of the day. Damn them.

In all of that - I count my blessings that I AM pregnant. IT WORKED. Still - I crave believing in it. I wish I could accept the fact that it's TRUE, I'm pregnant. I read IF boards and everybody's jumping of joy when they get their BFP. I did too on the boards and in my blog - but deep down - I've NEVER jumped for joy. I'm envious of their happiness, even though I'm HAPPY. I'm envious of their joy. I'm envious that they seem to automatically believe that "it worked, they've accomplished what they set out to do" when I can't seem to get there. Yes, I realize i'm pregnant - there's NO way this morning sickness is in my head (although i swear i think that daily) maybe it's just cause i'm so damn sick that i have a harder time believing, because I haven't had a chance to "be myself". Maybe it's cause i'm a sucker for punishement and that I have a hard time believing good things can happen to me. Maybe it's because after 2 1/2 years and realizing that we CANNOT get pregnant - that it worked at all is too much for my brain to absorb. Maybe the same 2 1/2 yrs robbed me of my old self and in place put this bitter woman who no longer has the ability to believe.

I'm 8w2d pregnant. Tomorrow I see my family dr. for the first time since Nov. I need a referral to a high risk OB (since i'm carrying twins) I think I will beg for her to send me for an ultrasound, to put my mind at ease. I'm also going to have to ask for medication for the morning sickness - something I never ever wanted to take - BUT I never expected it to be THIS horrible 24/7. I need the possibility of functioning like a normal human being once in a while. That's if i'm lucky to have it work. It will be a last resort thing - if i have to take it.

I've also decided to take my vacation in the form of fridays off. That would mean that I would be working 3 days a week (i only work 4 days a week at my day job) for about 3 months. That should do me some good. I've also decided to stop taking clients in my business - because I can no longer manage. I'm too sick now - and chances are i'll be too miserable by the time I wont be sick anymore. I can't even make an annoucement saying why yet - because I haven't reached the end of my first trimester.