Monday, July 25, 2005

It's just NOT good news.

This morning i had a meltdown - FOR NO REASON. I was on my way out the door to photograph a session - and I all of a sudden, I really didn't feel like myself. I never seem to feel like myself anymore. I feel like I could cry - at the drop of a hat at ANY point of ANY day. I guess it's to be expected?

I finally realized that I think my "issue" is that i feel as though our diagnosis last week was GOOD NEWS. I feel like last wednesday I was given really great news. IT WASN'T GOOD NEWS. Yes, given our "situation" - it was fantastic news. It's the BEST news, CONSIDERING. But it's the "considering" part i'm having an issue with apparently. I'm no longer considering, I seem to be accepting this "good news".

  • It's NOT good news to HAVE to do IVF.

  • It's NOT good news to NOT be able to conceive children naturally.

  • It's NOT good news that 2 pregnancies could cost us up to 40,000$.

  • It's NOT good news that I really want more than 2 kids, and now it's highly unlikely.

  • It's NOT good news that because of this diagnosis I may have to keep working at something other than my photography.

  • It's NOT good news that come hell or high water, we'll be travelling 6hr round trip between Wakefield & Montreal - often.

  • It's NOT good news that I'm going to have to take fertility drugs that could put me at a higher cancer risk.

  • It's NOT good news that the drugs I'm going to have to take to do IVF will most likely make me gain 20 lbs instantly - and make people wonder if perhaps i'm pregnant, when in fact the problem is that I can't get pregnant.

  • It's NOT good news that I'm going to need give myself shots in the butt, stomach and thighs.

  • It's NOT good news that I'm about to start feeling like an incubator.

  • It's NOT good news that the next time we want a baby - we have to do ALL of this again.

  • It's NOT good news that we're about to start feeling like we're playing God.

  • It's NOT good news that my pregnancy, once it happens will be considered "high risk".

  • It's NOT good news that I'm about to get even moodier than I normally am because of the hormone shots.

  • It's NOT good news that I'm about to start living my life beside the phone, because the clinic is about to start dictating what I do when.

  • It's NOT good news I feel out of place, all the time, even with those that are close to me.

  • It's NOT good news that I would rather sleep through the afternoon than head off to a family picnic.
  • It's NOT good news that we have no idea if this will even work.

It's Just NOT good news. DAMN IT.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

In the morning...

I wish I could get up in the morning and not feel down.

Right now, it seems like it's the worse part of the day. I get up feeling like I was hit by a ton of brick. I wake up with an overwhelming feeling that I am NOT understanding what is actually happening to us. I wake up feeling like what we're about to go through is HORRIBLE. And it is, don't get me wrong - but I find that I can deal better during the day... but perhaps that's because my denial leaves my head while I sleep. I wake up and have to build it all up again... build that wall that keeps me up, that keeps me strong. Then the wall crumbles and I start over.

I want to stop feeling that slap in the face - it's a horrible way to wake up.

I want to wake up UNDERSTANDING that what we are dealing with SUCKS and it's going to be a bumpy road... I want to understand that my denial is gone, and that I am living my life, one day at a time, accepting what is about to come our way.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Ovarian Cancer - Risk?

I've been reading up on Ovarian Cancer. Fertility drugs (such as the ones they put you on for IVF) can put you at a greater risk. I'm already at a higher risk, my grandmother died of Ovarian Cancer. I don't want to be at an even greater risk...

Here are a few things that make you higher risk:

Family history. First-degree relatives (mother, daughter, sister) of a woman who has had ovarian cancer are at increased risk of developing this type of cancer themselves. The likelihood is especially high if two or more first-degree relatives have had the disease. The risk is somewhat less, but still above average, if other relatives (grandmother, aunt, cousin) have had ovarian cancer. A family history of breast or colon cancer is also associated with an increased risk of developing ovarian cancer.

Childbearing. Women who have never had children are more likely to develop ovarian cancer than women who have had children. In fact, the more children a woman has had, the less likely she is to develop ovarian cancer.

WHATEVER - she had TWELVE babies. TWELVE. :(

Something else to research, because apparently my brain can't get a break. Perhaps because my cycle seems fine - and so far we are not dealing with female fertility issues - maybe a "natural cycle IVF" or IVM - avoiding some of the drugs... Money is no object when it comes to having our family... but the line is drawn before putting ourselves at risk... And Cancer falls in that category.

Thursday, July 21, 2005


Goodness - how many acronyms could my brain possibly retain? What's worse is that these days we read things only and see acronyms everywhere. Most of us have learned a technique over the years to interpret them. Don't know what it means? You make it up... and then sometimes you realize you're FAR off...

Another thing that happens with acronyms - you get used to a letter combination meaning something... only to move onto a different topic and have it mean something else. Here's an example i have a hard time with...

DS --> to most, this means "dear son"
Enter the world of fertility issues - and that means Donor Sperm.


(enough ranting about nothing)

I will try to keep updating this list with acronyms I may use in my blog...

dh: dear husband
mfi: male factor infertlity
ivf: in-vitro fertilization
ivm: in-vitro maturation
ttc: trying to conceive
cd: cycle day
bfp: big fat positive
bfn: big fat negative
pg: pregnant
dpo: days past ovulation
fm: fertility monitor
o: ovulation
u/s: ultrasound
b/w: bloodwork
2ww: two weeks wait
af: aunt flow (period)

MFI - it's not all bad?

It means that my dh can stop worrying about things that "could" make him infertile - he's there - and none of those things caused it.

  • He can now use a laptop on his lap, as he pleases!
  • He can sit in a hot tub for hours on end... it doesn't mater!
  • He can get kicked REALLY hard - and it just doesn't matter!
  • He could do any drugs he'd want to, cause it doesn't matter! (oh - but he doesn't do drugs!!)
  • He can be in contact with chemicals that could hurt fertility - cause his is absent!
  • NEVER have to go back on birth control! YEAH!!
  • We NEVER have to worry about getting "fixed" - cause we kind of are at the moment!!
  • We never have to worry about oops babies... cause i've never heard of a "oops IVF baby"!!

See... there's positives? who am i kidding....

Day 659

This is my blog - about infertility. I've decided that since everything seems to hurt - perhaps this will help. Maybe it wont - but it was worth a shot. Beside, if i'm writting on here, i'm not talking my dh's ear off... and that could be a very good thing at times.

We've been TTC for 659 days now, and yesterday we found out that our ONLY option is IVF. Lets not start with anything "little" - we go right to the top. I'm kind of happy about being able to skip other steps that might have brought us to IVF in any case - but at the same time I really wanted things to be "fixable". It's apparently impossible - we will NEVER have children naturally - like NORMAL people do. NEVER.