Tuesday, June 27, 2006

DAY 1000.

It was 1000 days ago today that we started TTC.
Last Thursday was exactly 1 year since we found out that my dh's SA was ZERO. Azoospermia.

Today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant.

We're due in Nov. and our third anniversary is in Sept. From the outside looking in, it really looks like "we've planned things perfectly..." Oh how things are NEVER what they seem....

This week-end was quite productive... On Sat. my mom, dad & brother came over to install the clothes line my dh bought me for my birthday (after MUCH begging... he doesn't get how i can be so obsessed with a clothes line!!) It's FANTASTIC!! I can't wait to be able to use it (we had to wait because the poles are in concrete - so it had to set) and....... now it's calling for rain ALL WEEK!!! Oh well - soon enough - i'll get to use it :)

Sunday we got up... my dh said "want to go out to breakfast?" which is always music to my ears!! So we did that and then went to order our cribs, thinking they wouldn't be in (we knew which ones we wanted... and no joke - it's a crib sold at both walmart and sears and it's 100$ cheaper at walmart...... times that by 2, and that's a lot of money!) Anyways - another location had one in stock - we got there and they actually had lots in stock - so we got both our cribs!! A. set them both up this week-end... and we moved things around in the nursery... it's starting to really feel real! My parents also brought my dresser from when i was a kid over - we have to strip it as well as my dh's dresser as a kid - and paint them - and we'll be all set! Actually - we'll be all set after I find a rocking chair somewhere (why are they ALL gliders???)

On Friday we had our fifth u/s... the anatomy u/s where they basically measure EVERYTHING! Well - both babies were showing us their backs, so they didn't get a good look at the hearts & profile.... so we go back in 2 weeks! they both look great, measure exactly where they should (19w6d and 20w) and their heartbeats were 148/136. They both weigh approx. 12 ozs each... they've doubled in size in three weeks!! As of the next u/s - they have to start doing transvaginal u/s as well to check the cervix... oh joy! I haven't had one of those since March 23rd - and frankly I can't say i miss them!!

I have my first "regular OB" appointment tomorrow... and i have this nagging feeling i'm going to have to have a pap test done... I wonder if I can talk my way out of it? I think i've had my share of speculums for the year... maybe they'll see it my way? (doubt it :( ) I HATE THE SPECULUM can you tell? (ok, i don't know many who like it - but it's a cause of anxiety for me!!)

Thanks for the words of support in my last post - I was seriously losing it... I'm better now - MUCH better... although i've realized that I'm WAY more anxious than my normal self and I can't make decisions to save my life. I was never the most decisive person - but now I CANNOT make decision - it's really driving me crazy!!!

20 weeks pregnant and trying to accomplish things so that we're not too last minute... I STILL have nightmares that the babies come and we have nothing - even though we have 2 cribs set up inches away from our room!!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Damn hormones.

I'm sitting at work - and i can't stop crying. I'm going home soon - taking the afternoon off sick cause i can't function... why you ask? NO IDEA - other than my hormones are probably completely out of whack right now?? who knows. I had a HORRIBLE evening last night... I had to drive home myself (which RARELY happens) and after a full day of sitting on my butt i can hardly drive. I was in SO SO SO much pain, i was almost in tears when I got home. My movement isn't restricted (otherwise i would obviously NOT drive) but going from gas to break is PAINFUL :( and just sitting in the car is painful. ARH.

So i got home and seemed to throw everything off. I couldn't do ANYTHING - i was just in pain and in a bad mood. I've spent months doing nothing - now i finally have energy back and STILL i could do nothing. I went to bed crying.

This morning I thought of staying home - but i was still in a weird mood and thought that as much as I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to stay home either. Isn't that PATHETIC?? So i came to work... and now i'm going home. I think what i'd love most to do today, on the first day of summer and it's a beautiful day here would be take my dog on a long hike in the park... BUT.... of course I can hardly walk AND i can't walk my dog ANYWHERE - he pulls way too much.

So i sit here and cry. My dh came in my office awhile ago - i lost it. Finally got it back together and 2 seconds later he calls me from his office, i lose it again. I NEED to go home - before i lose it on somebody else. (by losing it i mean break down in tears)

I also spent last night FREAKING out at what the future might hold. Not the kids - but the staying at home/part time business thing. I've worked SO HARD for this... THIS is the plan. It's been the plan for YEARS now (since it took us so long to get here!) I AM TALENTED - AND I CAN DO THIS... but yet with the pregnancy hormones I doubt myself to the point of tears. I fear failure more than anything else... and i'm afraid right now that that's where i'm headed... although at the same time, i have no real reason to believe that. ARH.

I was doing so well - is it that it's getting to me that i'm TRYING to enjoy this pregnancy? Am i NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY - even for a few days? Are the stars SO against me that they can't just "let me be"?

At this rate - i'm thinking i'll need tomorrow off as well. And then friday morning is shot because of our u/s appointment - so i'll have to tolerate friday afternoon... I think i can manage. Shitty part is that i should be keeping my sick leave for when i'll need to go OFF work completely... I want to avoid the reduced pay of disability. But since I can't function at the moment - i'm MUCH better off at home.

Here's that photo mention in yesterday's post... even that doesn't make me smile today - and I LOVE that little girl more than anything right now! The real photo does have my head in it - but i chopped it off for the blog! Anyways - I find i look MUCH more pregnant than i actually look - photos do that sometimes!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

19 weeks.

it's still surreal. I know - it must be getting old to hear me say that - but it's the truth.

I bought my dh 2 ottawa senators jerseys (home + away) for the babies... they're size 12 months - so i figure they might kind of fit by the playoffs next year! ha!HA! He loved them... he said "wont they look cute coming home from the hospital in those...!" Um... i think not! HA!HA! (yes, he was kidding!)

My best friend had a baby girl this week-end :) She thought she was having another boy :) (intuition - not u/s or anything!) I'm SO happy for them - labour was a breeze and the baby girl is in perfect health :) I got to see her yesterday - just over 48 hours old... I have no idea how i'll handle 2!! My friend has been having many melt downs since giving birth (she had a lot after her first as well!) and in one of them she said "how is A. going to do this with TWO?!" ah!HA! :) i'll survive...!!

I also visited another friend that has a 3+ month old (the baby that was born on the day of my BETA!) and then visited a friend that has a 9 day old baby (the 3w2d overdue baby!) and everytime i picked up any of the 3 babies I visited with yesterday I heard "and now you have 3 babies!" i thought it was funny - how it was all "just as original" ah!HA! :)

It's weird to hold a tiny baby with a big belly! i have a photo of me and my new niece (the 48hr old one) and i look SOOOOOOO pregnant - i might share a photo later...)

For a day me and 4 of my close friends were all pregnant at the same time. I saw 3 of those 4 babies yesterday!

I have to say it was nice to visit with them and feel at peace with being pregnant. I feel like the pain of infertility is further from my mind right now - not RAW like it used to be. I don't want to cry when i see a baby - i just wish my pregnancy could almost be over. I always cringe when I say that - because I don't want early babies - I just wish it was already the end of October!! I know the pain is far from being gone - i actually don't think it'll ever leave me - but worse is that I know that I will go through MANY more ups and downs before i can even try to really put it behind me (we want more kids!) I guess the best way to put it is that it's kind of dull pain at the moment - if that makes sense. Like a constant ache - but not severe pain anymore.

19w pregnant and I get to see the monkeys again on Friday! Can't wait!! My energy level is still "ok"... I'm really enjoying this burst... I'm enjoying conversing with adults and not feeling completly brain dead...

Friday, June 16, 2006

7 years ago today...

my godmother died, on the side of the road in an ambulance. She was in a horrific car crash that killed the woman in her passenger seat instantly. My aunt was lying on the side of the road - literally - for 2 hrs... because of a dispatch error at 911. Ambulance finally got there... about 5 minutes into the ride she died. It's STILL surreal, and yes, it's been 7 yrs. It was a BEAUTIFUL morning, just like today.

A big transport truck didn't stop at an important stop sign. Of course, they're ALL important - but this one was stopping at a junction for a highway. a VERY important one. The driver had to have fallen asleep - it's the ONLY way I will allow myself to re-tell this story. There were NO break marks on the pavement... and the truck was "stopped" by running into somebody's fence quite far from the accident scene. OBVIOUSLY - he didn't even know it had happened. There were 3 guys in the truck.

I've recently been hoping that perhaps somebody in our family was cursed with 7 years of bad luck... and that it ends now. We've served out time. In those 7 years, my aunt died, a cousin died in horrific car accident and my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. That's a lot in one family. (there's more - just not in the 7 yrs)

My husband came in the picture 7 years ago as well. We knew each other prior to this - but once it happened he just butted right into my life and made sure I was ok. I wasn't ok... I battled depression, I couldn't stop crying. I sat in a chair for days after it happened and kept repeating "what will they do? how will they live through this" refering to her three children. In 5 days all i could eat were my mom's brownies... I ended up needing a prescription for sleeping pills to get me through - and they worked wonders... in no time I was FINALLY sleeping through the night again and therefore managed to "get back on top". My now-dh would take me out all the time - i saw more movies in the month following the accident than I probably have in my life. I'd cry through most. We'd meet with friends and i'd sit there crying. I just couldn't control it - and he LET ME. He was absolutely AMAZING... 2 weeks later (on Canada actually) we officially started dating... and the rest has been an amazing journey. I still find it odd that we got together after such a horrible event in my life, but i'm thankful that through something so horrible something so magical/wonderful came of it.

I also have a friendship that I knew instantly that day that was different than normal friendships. My mom knowing me too well KNEW she couldn't call me at work to tell me the horrible news, but knew that I worked with a close friend... She called her to ask her to break the news. It's a good thing this woman had gone through something similar because she probably would have never talked to me again... I couldn't believe her - i wouldn't. I said "you HAD to have gotten it WRONG." but she just hugged me and let me cry/scream right there in my office. My parents were going to come down to pick me up (i'm over an hour from where my family lives) but this friend insisted on driving me. Her and her now husband took the day off to drive me to my parents... I was blown away by how taken care I was. THAT day I realized she was a whole lot more than just a friend. Even through IF she's been there 120% - all the time. She's been incredible. It's amazing to me that I have that kind of support... that kind of fiend.

June 16th is probably the worse day of the year for me. I have other bad days - other days that I wish the calendar would just skip - but June 16th is by far the hardest day to get through.

I think of her often, looking out for us. I hope that somehow she's taking care of us... I think of her and my cousin (who was a twin) sitting together - and allowing our twins to make it here safe and sound this fall... I think of her all the time.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


FINALLY, the sun is back where it belongs... in a blue sky! I'm in a better mood and i'm sure it's directly linked to the sun!

Last night we went to the beach... well, we drove there with our dog to see if maybe I could go swimming (not last night, it was much too cold! but someday!) while my dh took the dog for a walk! (cause dogs aren't allowed on that beach - otherwise, we'd be all set!) But... it's not really gonna work i don't think... we're probably just going to drop him off at his parents instead... I NEED to start swimming because this lack of excersize is FREAKING ME OUT. I'm terrified of what all this added weight will do to my out of shape body :( Anyways - we did end up going for a walk while we were there - which was nice!

On our way back... the windows were down and at one point my dh said "OMG!" I swear - like he had just spotted a lion or big foot or something... completely freaked out! I was like "WHAT???" he says "there's a HUGE bug in the car"... i look around thinking he's lost his mind... and find... drum roll please... ONE MOSQUITO. Yes, ONE. SMALL MOSQUITO. I laughed SO SO SO hard... harder than I can remember laughing in a LONG time... I was in tears... I had stomach cramps I was laughing so hard... you know - the BEST kind of laughing? You know... the kind that completely disappears from your life when struggling through IF. THAT kind. that's the kind that I was laughing yesterday. And just like that I realized that I was somewhat "back". We've been laughing more and more... which is good - cause frankly that's one of the things i love most about my dh - how we can always laugh together... well, IF kind of muffles that laughter. It was absent... and now, it's on it's way back. A sign that life after all might get back to some sense of normalcy. Thankfully.

We've also decided on who we'll ask to be godparents to our babies... and for some reason it's always on my mind... maybe because friday is the 7th year anniversary of my godmother's accidental death (car crash)... not sure... but anyways - we're going to be asking them as soon as we see them next, and that feels great.

Today is my SIL's university graduation... Last night I was SO stuck on what to wear... I tried on 2 outfits that could work - but one of them was a pre-pregnancy shirt and it fit well (it kind of looks like it could be a maternity top anyways, just short) anwyays - it was quite short - so i wasn't sure if it would work - it's not like i was showing skin - it just looked weird. I decided to have my dh take photos of me in both outfits so i could send them to my sister to help me decide... well, i didn't get a hold of my sister and in the end it was ok, cause i woke up this morning being able to make a decision for myself! had the event been last night- I swear i would have had to stay home I so couldn't decide!!

Here's the photo of the outfit that won - the other photo is horrible (not that this one is great by any stretch of the imagination! ha!HA!) but i'm slouching and not only do i look fat (which i am!) but i look short as well - which i'm not - so nobody but my sister gets to see that one!

18w1d pregnant and loving laughing again!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

18 weeks.

Goodness, I'm super original in my titles these days!!

18 weeks for some reason is a milestone for me. It seemed SO unachievable - and frankly - i don't know what it was about 18 itself. But here I am.

I feel like my belly has stopped growing - which I guess isn't all bad... At the rate I was going I would have been HUGE! BUT it's still a little unerving... I keep thinking "maybe something's wrong??" because frankly - when am i NOT thinking that?

I haven't felt much movement at all - and THAT is freaking me out. I'm terrified that at our u/s in 10 days they'll find something wrong - even though at 18 weeks it's normal to hardly feel anything. I just thought that since i've been feeling a little bit for a while that I would be feeling MORE by now? I keep thinking i feel even less? arh.

A friend of mine had her baby on Sunday. 3 weeks and 2 days late. Imagine? The baby was only 9 pounds 1 oz (we were all expecting a whole lot bigger!!) and they're all doing well... and STILL - I can't help but be jealous. YES, i'm pregnant. YES, i'm expecting TWO babies... BUT STILL. Hers was EASY. Hers was concieved as soon as they started trying. And... hers is HERE. Mine, are not. not yet. I know... STOP IT. BUT it just goes with the territory I guess. At least that's what i convince myself of - otherwise, i'd feel like a bitch 90% of the time :(

My goal for last week was to go on a walk... and I've now gone TWICE!! Seems rediculously stupid - but hey - it's progress!

We've decided to NOT do our bathroom renovations... we were going to buy front loader washer/dryer so that we could have them in our bathroom on the main floor... but i've finally decided that NOT spending that money was more important. Our bedroom and the nursery are upstairs... and the washer/dryer are downstairs.... and that's how it'll have to be. If it's too difficult, then we can deal with it when the time comes! Besides, all those steps should help me lose weight, no? who am i kidding... (oh and the loads will be numerous since we're going to be cloth diapering the babies!)

18 weeks pregnant... and hoping everything is still ok with the babies!!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

17 weeks.

17 weeks already. it's weird, I can hardly decide if it's going quick or slow. Somedays I find HORRIBLY slow... some days i can hardly believe we haven't been to the fertility clinic since MARCH, 11 weeks now. Wasn't that just last week?

I just bumped into somebody on my way to the bathroom (one of my many trips of the day) and she said "GOODNESS, I didn't know you were expecting a baby?!" (cause i guess i look way pregnant today! HA!HA!) I just said "actually, I'm expecting two!" to which she replies...

"WOW! your dh is doing really well, he sure isn't shooting blanks... ha!ha!"

WHY does that kind of comment make me want to punch people? I get SOOOOO annoyed. I just smile and nod and try to get out ASAP. I guess i couldn't exactly reply "actually, he IS shooting blanks, that's why we're really expecting twins... IVF, 2 embryos transfered, our odds were good of twins" I KNOW it doesn't matter - it's even probably GOOD that they simply assume we're ultra fertile... BUT it still bugs me... kind of brings me back to the darn comments "so, when are you going to have kids?" although not fully obviously (i don't think anything hurts as much as that!!)

Unrelated to this, last week my dh told a guy we work with that we're expecting twins... to which he answered "LUCKY YOU!" (and ment it!) My dh then said "Are you guys thinking of number 2?" (they have a dd already) and he said "yeah, eventually" and my dh realized right away that he had asked too much by his response... and his knee jerk reaction to "fix" it made it worse - he ended up saying "are you guys trying" which is the last thing he wanted to say - he knew he was just digging himself deeper... and knew how much he probably hurt the guy (by his reaction) :( I was almost in tears when he told me the story - he felt SOOOOOOO bad :( It's so easy to get our foot in our mouth, isn't it? Even when WE understand... no wonder those that don't get any of it do it all the time!!

We had an appointment with a high risk OB on Friday... the blood is COMPLETELY gone from around the placenta... YAHOO!! The dr. said "you're now on your way to a perfect pregnancy!" lets hope that's true! We've been transfered to regular OB care, which is fantastic!! We have our 18-20 week ultrasound scheduled (you know the ONE u/s that most normal women have... it'll be our FIFTH!) it's less than 3 weeks away - i can't wait... although i'm hoping that will be the last of u/s for a while... I can't believe how many u/s we're getting through this pregnancy!! Oh - and on friday we also got to hear the heartbeats... THAT was really cool! :)

I have a friend who's 18 days overdue today. How crazy is that? I say she'll have the baby today cause it's 06/06/06 today!!

17 weeks pregnant... and finally feeling human again!