Thursday, December 08, 2005

"That's why I wanted to be pregnant in the winter"

ARH. What is it with people??? I have this "friend" who knows ALL about our "issues" but yet is apparently oblivious as to why this could impact my life or something. I don't know WHAT it is - but it's driving me CRAZY.

She's pregnant. Of course she is... a million things bug me - just like she doesn't believe in high risk pregnancies for example. Oh, you're right - drs know NOTHING about anything. ARH. Refuses ultrasound (which is PERFECTLY fine) and thinks that women are crazy to have the FOUR typical ultrasounds they get. WHAT? who gets 4 ultrasounds "typically"? nobody. Sure, it happens when something is wrong or there's concern - but by default women don't get 4 ultrasounds while pregnant. Oh - but you can't argue with her, because she knows everything. Yeah - the fact that this crap has been my life for the past 2 years means NOTHING i'm not pregnant after all.

Today's episode... First, she's in a bad mood - but she's sick, so it's fully understandable. I said "goodness, this baby is playing a number on you..." and she gets defensive "it has nothing to do with the baby - my husband is sick, he gave it to me." this woman is NEVER sick... and I just said "yeah, but you were more likely to get sick cause you're pregnant..." (obviously - again, she's never sick... this is her 2nd cold this pregnancy...) NO - i know NOTHING. She's ONLY sick cause her husband made her sick. FINE. I know nothing.

Second - we were talking about maternity clothes and i said she was lucky to be pg just now - because she could still fit in normal clothes for christmas - even if she'd have to buy something new, it wouldn't have to be maternity clothes for the holidays... which means cheaper... "yes, this is why i wanted to be pregnant over the winter" to which i felt like replying (but dind't!) "yes, well, we can't be all as lucky as you and just decide when we'll get pregnant now can we?!?!?!"

I guess her comment wasn't that bad - BUT she knows damn well we're praying we can get pregnant PERIOD. I guess what bugs me the most is that I decided to share this incredibly difficult period/journey in our life - and I seriously regret it everyday... it sucks.

on an even more negative note - my mom called last night to tell me that Grandma found a lump in her breast - and she's meeting with the surgeon today - and will have it removed before christmas. I'm TERRIFIED that it's cancer. Terrified. I cry thinking about it. And I can't help but think that i jinxed it. I keep saying I cannot handle something bad happening... and bam - something bad is potentially happening. I've also said a few times how I think it would have been stressful to be around my family while my other grandmother died of cancer.... Strike 2 - second jinx maybe? I don't know. I just NEED her (for my selfish self) to be fine. I need them to come out and say "oh goodness, we over reacted and we didn't even need to rush!" :)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Feeling useless.

So yesterday I thought I had finally gotten over the negative effects of the pill. Boy - was I wrong. 2pm came around - I felt AWEFUL. It stayed throughout the afternoon... into the evening. FUN TIMES.

By 9pm I was ready to scream. Loud. I feel horrible in my own skin, like i'm not myself one bit. I hate it. I went to bed at 9 - hating myself because I have a whole lot of work to catch up on - and I just cannot. I didn't touch ONE bit of work last night. I couldn't. I went to read in bed.... I was sound asleep by 10pm. I prayed that I'd get up feeling fine - i mean come on - 9 hours of sleep?? Um... not so much. Took everything I had to get out of bed this morning - and STILL i felt sick.

I'm going to be the worse pregnant woman ever. Actually - if I was pregnant right now, it would be different. for one, there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. There kind of is right now - but the frustrations mostly come from the fact that most women I know are or have been on the pill... and nobody reacts this badly to it :( Second point - i'd probably be exhausted... which would make me feel LESS bad for going to be early. last night I didn't go to bed cause i couldn't stay up anymore - i went to bed cause i was sick, but not horribly sick, just sick enough not to be able to concentrate on my work. not that i want to be MORE sick, but this in between crap is bugging me.

On a positive note (i'm so twisted) we "have" to skip one of the work parties we didn't even want to go to... we have to head to montreal that afternoon. Oh darn...!! NOT that I want to go to Mtrl that afternoon - especially since it means spending the night, most likely at a hotel... but i don't want to go to the party - and this is the EASY way out.

speaking of clinic in montreal... i'm trying to get a hold of them - i need to schedule a second appointment for the 16th to pick back up donor sperm. I called monday morning - they called me back tuesday. ARH. monday is my day AT HOME. Now i have to call from work. I go in the 'secure phone booth' yesterday -- and could hear somebody coughing - and I figured if I can hear them - they can hear me :( and frankly - i didn't want somebody to hear me say we need to schedule an appointment to pick donor sperm...! [interupted by the clinic's phone call - how weird is that?] turns out they missed the hep C testing - so they asked if i could do it next time i come in... and then she said she'd try to find a slot for me on the 16th, and she's calling me back on that... sooooooo she asked me, i didn't have to say the words, thank goodness, i'm sitting in my open area office!!!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


now that i feel better, I should take the time to write about our last appointments...

We met with the psychiatrist first - who told me I should seriously take 2 weeks off following the retrieval. So I will be "off" the last 2 weeks of January.

Then we got our "schedule"... which was entirely dependant on our CF results that we still didn't have at that point. Every second sentence was "but we can't start without those results..." I KNOW. I GET THAT. Lets get beyond that, for a sec and pretend we'll get the results?? [We got the results the next day -- we're both NEGATIVE for the CF gene]

I started the pill that day. BIG mistake - i was sick as a dog. I should have asked to start the next day because the way i did it - i ended up taking 2 pills within 12 hours intead of 24 (cause i KNOW i must take the pill in the morning to be "ok") so thursday i was rushed home - puked all afternoon and then felt like i was hit by a bus. Today is Tuesday - and it's the first day I feel somewhat better, like i think it's gone... :)

I'm on the pill until Jan. 2nd. then i wait for my period to show up... Then it's an ultrasound on Day 2. Again on Day 8. (and possibly more) Retrieval on Day 9 to 14, depending on the ultrasound findings. 4 days later -- the transfer.

On day 8 they'll show us how to do the injection that i need 36 hours prior to the retrieval. Following the transfer, it'll be a shot every day for 12 weeks. ouch. (well, if i'm pg - but we're banking on it! :) )

We need to go to mtrl again next week - for A's pre-op screening and another appointment with the fertility dr. to pick donor sperm, as a backup. Funny to think of a backup for something that there is about a 1% chance we'll need. Funny how the odds are greater that this DOESN'T work for us (the IVM i mean) than it does - but yet i'm playing the "positive mind" card - it will work - we WILL be part of the 40% or even better yet, we'll play a part in raising the bar... and bring up the odds... it's going to happen - lets be part of it :)

I was telling my sister yesterday that i was still sick - and i guess she's sick of hearing me talk about it or hearing me complain (and i know i should stop - i could be worse off - much worse off... but it's hard to stop when you feel HORRIBLE - besides this was only the 2nd time i talked to her about it at all... so that was the mistake - thinking i could share) and she got really short with me and said "oh yeah who cares, just think of it this way - you'll never need to be on the pill again in your life..." geez - thanks for the moral support. Besides, i'd rather have to deal with birth control than to deal with that we're dealing with. and then i just said "well, only every time we have to try this - and they'll put me on for about a month at a time, everytime - so everytime it's "new" and everytime it'll make me feel aweful... not like normal people who get used to the estrogen after a month or two..." but still i shouldn't have spoken. it's true this is minor... i need to get over it. but her reaction was mean.

Then again - it just seems like it's the story of my life these days - me getting annoyed at something somebody said. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could be who i used to be - just for a day. That I could be the happy go lucky person I was...

I hope that that's who i become after all this is over - and that this journey doesn't leave the emotional "me" scared for life...

Anyways - all that to say - the journey has officially BEGUN. I'm on the pill - and by this time next month I will maybe have had my first monitoring ultrasound. Talk about scary... And to think that between now and then christmas will have come and gone... which i am hardly ready for - it seems secondary - i can't even think about it it seems. I NEED to get my act together - but then again, i'd rather save all our money. It's hard.

Friday, December 02, 2005



I started the pill on Wed. It's friday night. I still feel aweful. I spent yesterday puking everything i had, and then some. I ache. and now the nausea is back :(

I just went to the website to see if they had tips... this is what they write about the nausea...
Estrogen in the Pill can cause some stomach upset, especially in teenagers and thin women. This usually disappears after one or two months. To lessen nausea, try taking the Pill at bedtime or with food.

Um... thanks, but i'm only on it for a month. I need it to go away in days - not months. ARH.