Wednesday, April 28, 2010


I'm with embryos. Hopefully with gorgeous nearly ready to implant embryos -- still mind boggling to me that IVF has this element of 'wait and see' -- then again, I guess it's proof they are actually working WITH nature, so I should be somewhat happy. I do think it's time they develop ER & ET techniques that do NOT involve the speculum. seriously.

So on Sunday when we got our 'report' the embryologist said there was a tiny chance they call back for a 2dt. If so they'd call by 8, they know we're three hours away from the clinic. 8am rolls around, no call -- my husband get ready to leave for a bank apt. He steps out and at 8:30 (he's still in the yard!) the clinic calls his cell. Nice timing. Anyways -- they want us there by 11:30. Um, it takes THREE hours to just DRIVE there -- and we basically jumped in the car -- but we did have to get dressed (ok, just me -- my dh was ready and out the door already!) and call my MIL so she can take the kids. Thankfully she's here in 10 minutes flat -- and we rush out.

An hour into our drive we stop for gas and breakfast... and I realize I DON'T HAVE MY WALLET (and had that overwhelming sensation i had forgotten soemthing. yeah, something 'big'!) we have a mini freak out -- Adam pulls out the embryologist number he left us (oh, we know at this point that the OR staff will be 'waiting around for us to show up') we can't exactly head home and back adding an extra TWO hours to a 3 hour drive. We figure they'll tell us 'too bad, come tomorrow' and while dh is dialing he realizes 'wait a minute I have your hospital card, they gave it to me after the ER and I never put it in your wallet' (we ALWAYS put them back in the proper wallets - we used to try to figure out which card was where and it got crazy -- but there was too much going on that day he just put it in his!)

AH PHEW. crisis averted. We feel elated, like things have fully turned around -- that this 2dt is ok and such. Turns out in all our time at the clinic for the ET -- nobody even asked for my hospital card. So there, the mini crisis wasn't even necessary!

When we get to the clinic - we see a few nurses who mention "finally you're here!" um yes, we weren't kidding when we said 3 hours. one nurse seems excited about the transfer and I say "yes, but it's a 2dt?" (thinking "that's not a good thing/standard thing/normal thing") and she looks at me for more. stares. Then says "what do you mean? we do 2dt all the time here?" (not ALL the time, but OFTEN!!) wow. talk about stress leaving at once. I just said "wow - i didn't think so -- i've only had day 3 and they told us we should be doing day 3 again so I thought this was a question of "your embryos might not make it to day 3 (which frankly the embryologist kind of explained it that way) so we're transfering them earlier.

So we tranfered three day 2 embryos. one great, 2 so-so. Honestly -- the odds of this cycle working are feeling quite low for me, yet I'm handling the stress incredibly well. I've cried, but only a tiny bit -- normally (yes, i can say that -- four 2ww makes it that I can see patterns, if i wish!) i cry for hours. and hours. and freak out. and melt down. and scream. and hide. and scream. and freak out and melt down. it's hell. I realize i'm only on day 2 post transfer, but I'm not freaking out. I go from convincing myself that since the ER and embryology report -- it seems obvious to me our chances have gone down from 50% to a lot less. a lot less. I know I don't actually KNOW this -- and I HAVE to wait and see. and it 'only takes one' i know all this. but perhaps because last time I went through a fresh cycle I knew all that but still believed with every fibre of my being that STILL, it would work. it worked the first time, a fresh cycle WILL WORK. Now, I KNOW i don't have a damn clue.

let nature work. please god, let nature work. I'm trying to channel my family's overwhelming fertility so this works. Seriously -- my family is crazy fertile. Pass on the crazy fertile this way, please.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

not great numbers.

8 eggs. for me, that's a tiny number. I had lots of follicules, but only 8 eggs. Last cycle it was at least 18 (can't find my numbers) and the one before was 24. I know it's QUALITY, not QUANTITY - but shit.

Embryologist just called. Only 5 were mature. 4 fertilized.

4 years ago -- when they called me only 3 were ok. (2 made it up to blastocyst after for a total of 5). I was extatic --> we created life. Not only did we have embroyos -- we ended up with twins.

This time, these numbers are making me cry.

The embryologist said there was a tiny tiny chance of an emergency 2 day transfer. I didn't even know such a thing existed. Otherwise, it's a day 3 transfer on Tuesday.

On good news -- they got enough sperm from my husband to freeze. After THREE TESAs - it's the first time they have enough to freeze.

now, i have to find a way to suck it up, stop crying and get back to my nearly zen-like state. Cause either way -- whatever happens to these 4 embryos will happen, if i'm crying about it or not.

The retrieval went fine. Other than being tender, i'm ok. Last retrieval I threw up for DAYS on end.

FINGERS (and-everything-else) CROSSED!!!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 6 of Stims -- IVF #3.

We started our third IVF cycle last Monday. Well, really last month -- we were supposed to cycle last month but because my period ended up 5 days late for a second cycle in a row (that hasn't happened ever since I've monitored my cycles since like 2003). Also, I had a cyst. First time in ALL of my scans. Again, that's a lot of scans over a lot of years. never anything. AND because of I was 'late' -- then the dr. was going to be out of town.

So back on the pill I went, to time my cycle properly with the urologist's schedule.

I'm doing a short protocol this time (plus bcp for scheduling purposes).

I started stims on Monday the 12th. Second scan on Friday -- i have 28 small follicules at the moment. Last time I was on Gonal-F I very nearly overstimulated... this time I think things are going better -- because although I feel the effects on my ovaries in the evenings -- I don't really feel them during the day and I'm pretty sure last time I did very early on... who knows though...

Next scan is Monday, the 19th.

Our province is about to start paying for 3 cycles of IVF... and it's supposed to start in june sometime, gradually -- whatevevr that might mean. Of course when we paid for the cycle it was still quite 'up in the air' and had no dates -- but even now, I'll have to see it to believe it... we decided that waiting for the gov. for this was not an option for us, we're tired of empty promises... because of this -- the clinic is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO QUIET. It's wonderful.

This post is quite rambly omg. I just really wanted a record of where we're at.

Also -- I thought I'd add that I'm a HECK OF A LOT LESS STRESSED this time around than ever before. Last cycle I was sooooo stressed, it was crazy. I just re-read some of my posts and can remember the emotions - the freakouts. In contrast to THOSE days I feel quite relaxed, zen-like even. I don't even understand HOW that can be, but there it is.

The injections are too familiar, like I have done them daily for years. I normally triple check everything, freak out a little then inject -- but not this cycle. I inject in seconds and go on with the evening, only reminded a little while later that I did inject when i realize that maybe I need to stop trying to do anything during the evening and just be.

Like right now -- kiddos are sound asleep (my son is sick but we have no clue what's bugging him - and it's beend days :( ) and i'm about to watch a movie to try to relax. Or just sleep.