Sunday, June 21, 2009

It only hurts when I breathe.

"It only hurts when I breathe."
(from a shania twain song...)

that's how it feels right now.
it hurts all the time. 100% of the time. I'm in SO much emotional pain -- it's indescribable.

I thought I was living hell when I realized that my fresh cycle (10,000$+) hadn't worked. But I was holding on hope of eventually doing a FET with the embyros from that same cycle... and if those didn't work - at least it would be distributing the failure over a few cycles in a way.

I finally managed to talk to somebody at the clinic.

NONE of my embryos made it to freezing. How this happened is beyond me -- I had TEN more on the day of the transfer. Oh -- and why I find this out THREE weeks after they should have been frozen is also a huge source of frustration. Maybe they don't call if there's nothing to freeze -- but you'd think they'd tell you THAT? and return your calls???

It's like we've gone from semi-infertile to FULLY infertile. I've never felt this much pain, ever.

I'm scared. Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an 'urgent' apt. with my family dr. for a referal to a pschycologist. I NEED to speak to somebody. I don't really know how to get through the days anymore.... I just want to cry - :(

Of course we're also left wondering how could it POSSIBLY be that we had 12 or so embyros on the day of the transfer and that two of them happened to be 'perfect' (dr's words) and the rest isn't good enough to make it to day 5? That seems unlikely to me -- but I could be wrong since i'm obviously not a medical professional.

I feel like I never dealt with the failure of the FET - I just ignored the emotions after a while holding on to the fact that i'd most likely be pregnant with THIS fresh cycle...... so now it's like I'm dealing with the failure feelings that stems back to Nov. That's a hole lot of bagage. It's a new fresh failure -- but it's old at the same time. I guess that is exactly what happens to couples who fight this fight for a long time before success (or if ever even). Every failure is an extra 'notch'...

This week is going to be painfully difficult.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Still no news on BETA

So I did my blood work (out of clinic since my clinic is 3 hours away) last thursday. it's FRIDAY (of the NEXT week) and still they haven't told me to stop my shots + estrace. Of course I DID - because a) the HPTs were BFN and because the receptionist at the lab was annoyed at the run around I was getting and confirmed the 0... followed by "but you didn't hear that from me"

So how is it that somebody can do a fresh cycle IVF and drop off the radar fully at the clinic before being told it's a BFN? I've called countless time and I'm not getting calls returned.

On Wednesday the dr's receptionist calls me and said "this is just to let you know that I did receive the fax for your blood work... i had a note to call you when i got it" she got it the thursday before. I said "ok, so you're going to tell me the result?" and she says "oh i can't do that -- i'll transfer you to the nurses..." which OF COURSE was to voicemail and OF COURSE they didn't call me back.

This morning my message was over the top emotional -- I didn't mean it to be but i lost it and started crying while speaking and ended the message with "I've left lots of messages and none are being returned, i'm REALLY stressed and I would really like to be able to move on so could you PLEASE call me to let me know what my next steps are..."

because not only will the nurses not call me back -- but I STILL haven't heard back from embryology. My embryos were hopefully (but what do I KNOW?) frozen on June FIRST. Today is the 19th. Still no news.

Also -- I think the shock wore off of the failed cycle and now I'm just in hysterics. Having to do IVF - for me - is like the end of the world. Having it failed is like having a force telling me that it really doesn't matter how hard you work -- YOU SUCK and you will NOT have what you want. The absolute worse 'kicking you when you're down' scenario.

I've left a message with a local infertility clinic hoping I can see their psychologist without being a patient at the clinic. I'd rather deal with a psychologist that specializes in IF... and god knows right now I need to talk to somebody.

Yesterday I LOST IT -- telling my husband what i wrote above how it's worse than 'the' worst having a failed cycle and he said 'yeah, but some people NEVER have it work...' and while that is TRUE -- and I FEEL for everybody who never has it work... or people who still don't know if it will work and such.... it doesn't make me feel better. It's not like there's a "pool of ivf children" and each can get their share. It doesn't mean that I want our future children any less than I wanted my current ones. YES, We've been INCREDIBLY blessed and I HOLD ON TO THAT... but it does NOT ease the pain. If i didn't REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want more kids -- I wouldn't have cycled again. These children are WANTED. I WANT MORE KIDS.

And yes, that makes me feel selfish but what can you do.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

shit shit shit

10dp3dt: negative hpt.

i tested tonight because my dh goes back to work tomorrow and we didn't want to test as he was out the door... but i should have waited till thursday.

but for what? today is technically 13dpo --- which would mean that I "should" be able to get an accurate reading -- although perhaps not?

glimmers of hope -- but just glimmers this evening.

although writting this I realized that I tested THINKING today was 11dp3dt - but it's in fact only 10dp3dt. Not that it probably matters that much.

if anybody's reading -- i hope you can send me lots of ++ vibes. I NEED HELP!!


and still very stressed. I want to test NOW -- but I don't want false results - so I'm going to wait 48 more hours. then it should be accurate.

I keep having thoughts of IF this doesn't work WHY DIDN'T IT WORK because we got to transfer TWO "perfect" embryos. I actually have thoughts of "what would I have done wrong...??" when the reality of it is that they may have taken. They may not have -- but i'm beating myself up over something I don't even know.

Again, calling on my rational brain isn't helping.

I feel like I feel too "ok" for it to have worked -- whatever that might mean. It's not like normal people have pregnancy symptoms at THIS point. but still, I can't help it.

I'm TERRIFIED of a neg. result. TERRIFIED.

Trying oh so trying to muster up some positive energy/thoughts. trying.

Saturday, June 06, 2009


I think? I forget how to count -- but i think that's right. My 3dt was one week ago today.

I'm freaking out. Today I had a complete meltdown. I cannot function with this much stress. I had an axiety attack (or something like it) this morning and about 2 hours later I started cramping... nice... I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX DAMN IT.

It hasn't been "like THIS" the whole time -- this morning I woke up with just a feeling of "ok, enough is enough."

To think I have four full days before I POAS. arh.

Oh -- and I made a rookie mistake a few days ago... I googled something like "2ww and severe pain" (cause i was havind weird pains) AND.... didn't put IVF in the search. I get results from you guessed it.... women who have been TTC for.... um.... a month or two. I hadn't seen anything of that nature in YEARS!! (cause i'm usually vigilant about what i search for!) It didn't actually bug me much but I closed the browser quickly in any case.

How I'll make it until Thursday morning to test is beyond me. I'd test sooner if I knew it would be positive just to put me out of this misery -- but I KNOW that the results on thursday will at the very least be accurate. So I should wait till then. A false negative would kill me as much as a real neg. i think.

Can you say... stressed??? omg.