1dp3dt

My transfer was yesterday morning...

we transfered 2 'perfect' embryos -- and now we have everything crossed and praying more than I've ever prayed in my life that they stick.

I want to come back with details of the last few days -- at the very least to have a record for myself.

In quick terms it's been HELL. i've been in way more pain than the first time around, nauseated/vomiting like crazy, 3 hr drives where i've wanted to die...

All of it is making me have feelings of 'if this doesn't work i'll be MAD' and that annoys me. it's now how I should be thinking -- but having a hard time calling on my logical brain to calm me.

happy happy happy happy +++ thoughts.
they'll stick, right?

Nerves are almost unbearable.

I have so many emotions & side effects running through me right now -- I can't describe most of them :(

My husband last night said "i want another baby but i don't want to do this" which he clarified ment "i don't want to have to do this - but WE don't have a choice..." I told him that the previous comment was kind of like a groom telling a bride as they're about to walk down the aisle that he doesn't want to.

His nerves seem to translate to anger of sorts. He seems mad that we're doing this -- instead of mad that we have to. It's hard. It's hard on everybody.

There's a high chance that we're looking at 6hr round trips to the clinic DAILY between tomorrow and tuesday. OMG. I'm starting to think I should pack up the kids and drop them off at my parents instead of having my mom come stay here (especially since the bugs are so bad they'll be housebound)

I think I will get some kind of relief tomorrow after my first scan at the clinic (not a satelite dr.) and having an egg count and sitting down with the nurses and talking. I think this will help a lot -- and I really hope it helps my dh too. It usually does. He's usually "ready to go" after we go to the clinic and i've got reservations/stresses -- it's like talking medical stuff actually pumps him up. I'm worried that he's so deflated though that it might not really do the trick this time.

omg.

also -- i've been wondering on and off if what i'm feeling from the gonal-f is normal or if it's too much -- but i keep holding on to the fact that I haven't bloated visually -- my pants still fit -- so I doubt i'm overstimulating... but i do wonder at times why my days are so difficult... I can only walk so much before it hurts and such. My u/s is soon -- i'll have answers then...

it's so different this time. soooo soo different. yet it's exactly the same. weird.

happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.

Uterus full of rocks.

At least that's how it feels.

Taking care of 2 somewhat cranky toddlers while doing gonal-f injections is not a walk in the park. I'm NOT complaining -- I'm sorry if anybody reads this thinks I'm rude for even mentioning this while doing IF treatments.

It's just hard. Today I'm heading to my parents for the day -- just to not be "on" for hours on end.... tomorrow I have a date with a friend & her kiddos - at their home - doing nothing. Planning for nothingness. Brillant.

Yesterday - I realized that I might be short of Gonal-F for thursday's shot. I shouldn't be -- but it's really looking like I might. I called the clinic (and actually got a LIVE person answer! wow!!) and the nurse said not to worry -- to take what is left and it would be ok. Sounds good. I really wanted to avoid a 6hr round trip to Montreal on THURSDAY when we have to go on Friday. and most likely on Sat. and Sun. and Mon. well, I don't know exactly which days - but most likely many days in a row for monitoring.... then my dh's extraction is the day before mine this time around, so that's an extra trip.

the stress of possibly being out of drugs made me freak out yesterday :( today is slightly better.

I have this constant feeling like i'm on a rollercoaster -- litterally. You know the feeling when you drive over a hill fast? or down a hill on a rollercoaster and your heart seems to jump? It's like that, almost all the time. Not painful -- but weird.

The feeling that somebody sat on my chest was back this morning again -- at the same time it was there yesterday, around 9:30am. and it's on and off right now. weird.

happy happy happy thoughts.

Day 5 of Stims.

Tonight is my fifth Gonal-F (stims) injection.

I'm out of patience and I cannot focus. And I go from having headaches to nausea.

I'm SO thankful I blogged the first time around -- because I've been reading the posts from Feb. 2006 -- and seeing that things ARE working -- because I felt the same way when I first did it.

The other day -- I was completely out of patience - and could hardly stand myself - my poor kiddos must think i'm losing my mind -- anyways, reading that a few days after I started the shots the first time around I had the EXACT same feelings made me relax a bit. I don't really have a way of knowing if the shots are "doing their thing" - but that clarified it.

I'm stressed. I burst into tears when I think "OMG -- I'm doing IVF NOW?" because it seems surreal a little. Less, now that the shots have started - but still a little surreal.

We planned THIS cycle for soooooo long. The first time around we basically cycled as soon as everything was lined up. We got the diagnostic - did all the testing and then got scheduled. This time around, we've been planning this "second IVF cycle" since diagnostic in a way... that's a LONG time. (We had obviously hoped it wouldn't come to another fresh cycle - but it was still in our minds!)

I found out this week-end that my cousin & his wife are doing their first IVF in the next 6 weeks. They know my babes are IVF - but they don't know i'm currently cycling. I don't know her well - I wish I could speak with her to reassure her a little -- funny when I feel like i'm losing my mind. They're on my mind.... (his mom told me and i told her to tell them that they can call - but she said she doesnt' think she'd want her talking about it so she wasn't going to pass on the message... yet she started the conversation with "she wanted to know about the pain of the ER..." but REALLY my AUNT is the one that wanted to know, i guess... since she wasn't going to relay the info in any case!!)

wow. babbling much?

My focus is SHOT today. I NEED to get some work done -- and it's taking me HOURS and HOURS to accomplish tasks that should take next to no time. An hour at most. FUN!

Oh - I did get "good" news after my last u/s (which was the first of the cycle) -- the clinic called and said "you can skip tuesday's U/S -- we'll just see you on Friday!" OK!! :) One less u/s -- sounds great to me :)

Next step is Friday -- that will be day 8 of stims. The beginning of the next phase (or at the very least most likely the beginning of the many scans I will need!)

happy happy happy thoughts.

last BCP...

today I took my LAST BCP. Maybe forever. Hopefully forever.

I've given myself 3 injections. The first one felt like I had never really stopped except for feeling clumsy holding the bottle + tapping air bubbles. By the second one, it was old hat.

I wish the PIO was that easy...

It's starting to feel a little more real... but only a little. I'm sure once I start feeling my ovaries grow with the gonal-f the reality will set in. Oh and of course the lovely ultrasounds too. Those will make it real... and the 6hr round trip to the clinic... that should really make it feel real.

I'm very very very much looking forward to mid june. and positive results.

happy happy thoughts. Hope is alive in our home & lives right now. happy happy thoughts.