10dp5dt - HPT BFN

The HPT was negative this morning.
10dp5dt should be long enough to give accurate result.

I'm holding on to a glimmer of hope -- but mostly I'm crying like there's no tomorrow.

I know there's still "some" chance -- but it's slim now.

it hurts SO bad.

I hope tomorrow I hear some different news..... because the thought of a fresh cycle scares me but the thought of not having more children is so much worse.

omg.

10dp5dt -- and devestated.

9dp5dt - Morning Sickness?

Seems absurd -- but seriously -- I have something that resembles morning sickness. makes no sense -- isn't it way too eary?!

I haven't tested yet -- TOMORROW MORNING. Day before beta. It's my tradition. (haha as if i can call it that)

My dh would have had me test days and days ago -- but I knew that a neg. even if it was just because it was too early would have hurt. I knew for the sake of HOPE i had to WAIT. Till tomorrow. 10dp5dt -- should be accurate, don't you think?

CRAZY nervous. I NEED that stick to say "pregnant" so bad. sooooo bad.

Going through this cycle with kiddos around is sooooooooooo different. It's been soooooo hard to wait the 10 days -- but at the same time - i'm so dazed and busy -- that it's all a blur. We haven't been patient ONE BIT. AT times I was in tears thinking I would NEVER make it to tomorrow. But at the same time I can't wrap my mind around the fact that 9 days ago I was in the OR having our embryos transfered. Feels like months ago - not 9 days ago. Almost feels like a dream... Exhaustion does WEIRD things to your brain!! Last time around I could "feel" every second that went by......

Oh -- and we're having FUN TIMES playing phone tag between the clinic & the pharmacy -- because.... drum roll please..... I'M REACTING TO THE PROGESTERONE INJECTIONS. ARH. I need to switch to suppositories, 3 times a day. FUN FUN. GIME ME A SHOT ANYDAY over 3x a day suppositories. My sister said "well, it's not worse that say changing a tampon 3 times a day..." Um, yeah - but a) i don't use those and b) you don't change tampons 3x a day for THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT!! NOT really complaining -- bring on a great pregnancy -- but still, I PREFER long needles :) It's going to be AT LEAST a week before my pharmacy can get them -- so tomorrow i might need to check with other pharmacies and shipping and such. My reactions are big blotchy red patches that "grow" and are CRAZY itchy and a little warm. I wanted to "stick it out" since it was just skin reaction -- BUT i'm almost out of space for injections because it's covering THAT much space... on ONE SIDE. How weird is that??? one side doesn't react. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD!!!

9dp5dt -- and CRAZY nervous. CRAZY.

5dp5dt -- and not very patient....

I haven't taken the time to blog!

Our tranfer was last Thursday. It went MUCH better than I could have anticipated. 100% survived. WOW!!! At the time of the transfer we had one GREAT and one GOOD embryo to transfer (so we did) we also had one "that didn't do much of anything" and the dr. said he felt confident that if we transfered three we wouldn't end up with triplets. We couldn't take that gamble.

So one of our embryos is no longer - and while that's a little hard for me to take -- i'm more focused on praying these two take. Or at least one, but hopefully two.

I had slight cramping everyday except the last 2 days. And then again this evening -but this evening it was sharper and had me worried. I was TERRIFIED to see blood -- but I haven't and the pain has passed. Thank goodness.

On the day of the transfer, we left home at 5am - not knowing when the transfer was going to be -- because we couldn't wait at home for a call that said "be here in 2 hours" when we're 3+ hrs away from the clinic. After much waiting around and pacing halls we got news that they were doing great and that the transfer would be at noon. The dr. that did the transfer was REALLY nice -- and calming.... the staff was ALL great -- they seem to genuinely love making people happy. The nurse at one point said "today's been a good day!" PERFECT thing to hear on your transfer day :) When the transfer was over she said "ok, i'll bring you back to your cubicle..." and I said "really? i thought we had to wait here? I'm just surprised since I had to wait last time -- but if you guys don't think we have to - i'll just move!" and she said "every woman wants to stay -- and you're the last for the day -- so stay for 10-20 minutes, no problem..." :) I wanted to pee -- but I wanted to stay put more.

On the way home I felt SO calm. I told my husband that I felt so relaxed, like I had just spent hours at a spa. Spa like? Seriously??? Minutes before that I had a speculum up my vajayay with a FULL full full bladder and.... somebody PUSHING on it. Yet the stress relief I felt afterwards made my whole body relaxed, like a spa. Imagine.

And I have to say that through the transfer I kept saying "this is soooooooooo AMAZING" seriously -- We got to see 2 of our embryos on a tv. That's COOL. Sucks that we have to go through all that -- but amazing still.

The waiting has been HORRIBLE. So hard. CRAZY hard. My husband took the week off since I shouldn't pick up the kids -- and our kiddos LOVE being picked up! We're trying to put 100% of the odds on OUR side, and he could take the time - so it works out.... BUT at the same time it's giving us both too much time to THINK. If we were crazy busy we wouldn't be thinking of next monday every second of the day. We'd just think of it every hour or so.

I'm going to test on Sunday -- and it will be positive :)

My dh is ready to start testing now -- saying he wouldn't be bugged by negatives NOW because he'd expect them to be neg. now since it's too early -- but I just keep thinking that brings us down a road of "well, should TODAY still be neg?" "what about NOW?" and so on. Too hard on my nerves!!

I feel like I feel too "ok" to be pregnant while I realize that's totally rediculous because how else would I feel at this point? Last time around it was a fresh cycle -- and at this point in time I was still feeling the effects of the stims. This time -- it's just "normal life" while "not normal at all".

5dp5dt: Impatient.

CD14: Anxiety Attacks?

Today I had mini panic attacks all day from nerves. I am SO scared of the embryologist's call on Thursday. TERRIFIED. It can't be normal!?
I can't remember being THIS nervous last time....

I feel like I have WAY too much riding on this.

On sat. i started a drug for four days. Today I took the last one. I think that's what triggered it all this morning, when I saw the bottle had ONE lonely pill in it. ALREADY?! The transfer is in TWO days?!

Tomorrow I had a day planned with friends & their kids - but both had to cancel. On one hand I can't help but feel like this is a sign of bad things. On the other hand -- I wanted to do a photoshoot with my kiddos -- and now it's like i've been given the extra time to do that before the transfer. Maybe that's a sign of good?

Can you tell i'm a nervous reck?!

CD13 -- scared.

Last friday (cd10) I had an u/s at my clinic... 6 1/2 hr round trip for a 2 minute scan. and about 15 min with a nurse for a refresher on progesterone injections and such.

My lining is READY. I was so stunned the dr just said "11 - that's great - you're ready" ... me: "um... ready for...?" as in can't be the transfer, can it?! he laughed and said "you don't believe me that it's this simple this time around?" um... NO! but i'll take it.

So we started the progesterone injections on Saturday.

Transfer is Thursday. We have three embryos -- and we only just found out that they can be re-frozen if not used -- i had no clue. Having said that, I'm pretty confident we'll transfer 2 if we're blessed with 2 surving the thaw.

My dh is scared of having twins again -- although in his words: "we'll deal with it when we get there - these are the cards we were dealt..." but he would rather transfer one embryo.

I have such issue wrapping my mind around the fact that we may have embryos we wont use. or put at higher risk of not surviving say if we would thaw, freeze and try to thaw again. If you had asked me for an opinion regarding embryos and life -- before ANY of this happened -- probably even the day before the fertilization -- my answer would have been different. Now, I can't get over the fact that that's LIFE. it's OURS - my dna & my dh's dna. They're OURS. I cannot imagine "discarding" them.

I just hope that we end up with a successful healthy pregnancy of course -- but I'm scared of what the thoughts of those embryos not surviving might do to my emotional state. I'll cross there if and when we get there, i realize -- but i can't help but wonder.

Also -- I've realized that i'm terrified of all this -- i'm scared. I'm hopeful, but SCARED. I haven't slept well at all the last 2 nights -- which isn't like me -- i don't get THAT much sleep -- but when i'm sleeping i'm SLEEPING. The last 2 nights i've been awake hours on end tossing and turning thinking about thursday. Thinking about waiting for the call from the embryologist.

Scared.

CD 9 - still freaking out

So today is CD9. Tomorrow is my fist scan at McGill -- and I'm still freaking out. Hopefully I'll feel slightly more relaxed after tomorrow -- but who knows really.

We had to tell my dh's mom because we need childcare. My dh was 100% sre she'd say "are you sure?" and sure enough, she did ask. I find it out of line, personally. If we were blessed like MOST people -- we'd be having sex to procreate. AND........ you better believe we wouldn't be running it by his mom.

I have next to no side effects from the Estrace -- and I almost wish I did -- it would be an easier reminder to take it 3 times a day! I have been taking it -- but somedays I'm an hr or so late! I have one of those fancy 7 days a week pill box -- between the six estrace + the folic acid i'm taking -- just to make sure i don't forget any doses....

This morning I managed to reschedule my 9am apt for 10:15. THANK GOODNESS. We would have had to leave at 5:30 and prayed we made it in time for the 9am apt. Now, we'll be ok. thank goodness!!

CD 4 - On Estrace....

So i'm on day 3 of estrace now.
I think I bloated overnight the first night -- I pulled on my jeans that I pull on EVERY morning while getting out of bed.... and they were crazy tight?! weird. it hasn't gotten worse -- thank goodness, cause I was thinking I'd look about 4 months pregnant by the tranfer date - if it kept going at that rate!

I was also lightheaded the first day -- but it didn't seem to keep going... granted, my first day I had to take all 6mg in a span of 6 hours -- instead of a full day (between 5pm and 11pm vs morning, noon and night)

And i've got a weird pain on my stomach -- like if ONE of my hundred stretch marks hurts all of a sudden or something. weird.

And today my boobs hurt -- although closer to under my arm than my actual boobs. Odd, but still I think it's the hormones.

The pills are purple which seemed to me that it was a reminder to call my best friend and let her know about all this (it's her favorite colour by far and away!) but I haven't done it. I am holding out hope that I just might be able to surprise people with the news of a pregnancy like NORMAL people do!! WOW -- I might get to feel NORMAL??

Although of course the part that scares me is telling them that it DIDN'T work (but it will, so i wont have to go through that ;) ) and that we no longer have any embryos on ice. OMG.

Yes, still terrified. Hopeful -- very very hopeful -- but still terrified. I'm greateful that the feelings of hope I did feel in 2006 have returned. It's not JUST fear!

And... to the person who commented on my last post, thank you :) and you can reach me here: dianewinnifred@yahoo.ca Hope to hear from you!

CD2 - first u/s scan

I was 20 minutes late for my scan this morning -- took me an hr and a half to get the the clinic and it REALLY shouln't have. There was construction delays (really long ones?!) and crazy fog.

Scan went "well" -- although really - all they were looking at was the measurement of my lining, so really -- how bad could that go? haha.

On my way out I smiled at the parking attendant cause it's like he hadn't noticed my car -- and he said "Good morning young lady, I love your smile..." :) Geez -- know how to make a frazled day ALL BETTER? :)

And then on the on the way home I went from THICK fog to instant clearing with a beautiful sunrise -- it was like I was driving in heaven.

It's absolutely unseasonably warm today (20oC for November - that's CRAZY :) but i'll take it!)

When I met my dh at his work to get the kiddos and head home (we had just driven in for the switch and then was going to work) I went to a kids clothing store quickly to see if they had nice coats for the kiddos -- and I bumped into my dre. I never see her out and about -- she was excited for the beginning of our cycle :)

Just waiting to hear from the clinic.... so they can tell me what dose of Estrace to start taking - and so they can fax over the prescription to the pharmacy -- and of course to find out when my next scan is. That one will be 3+ hrs away. (6hrs round trip! let the fun times begin!!)

Cycling Again.

I realize my last post is almost a yr and a half old.

But..... we're cycling again this month and I've realized I really need this blog!!

Today is CD1. I should have an ultrasound tomorrow (if the clinic ever calls me back!) and then one probably on Nov. 17th.

I'm terrified this wont work. I'm terrified i've put too much into THIS cycle, our only chance (right now) at a frozen cycle. We have THREE embryos on ice.

I'm excited and hopeful of the possibility. But mostly terrified.

For the first time we may have to deal with embryos not surviving -- and it's hard. IVF was CRAZY hard, but we didn't deal with that. (we delt with lots of other stuff, it was NOT easier - i just mean different)

Nobody knows yet (other than my sister who currently lives half a world away) but we're going to have to share in the coming days in order to have childcare for the 2 monkeys.

I'm also worried about the 2ww with 2 monkeys. Last time I put myself on a self-inflicted-semi-bedrest -- but I can't do that being a stay at home mom!! I think I might try to work out a schedule that my in laws take them a few days each week, maybe see if my mom can take 2 days - one for each week and my dh too -- so that if i'm alone it's not 100% of the time. Maybe it's silly -- but IF brings out that side of me.

here's to a FANTASTIC perfect cycle and CRAZY happy news between now and christmas :)