"I hope you have a strong marriage"

My MIL says this to me everytime we talk about infertility. WHY??? It's bugging the CRAP out of me. Once, maybe - but everytime is driving me crazy. And it's a lot about how she says it... almost like "this will make you two split up - unless you have a strong marriage."

I'm married to her SON. What does she expect me to say?
"no, we can't stand each other and we call each other names all the time." (which is far from being the truth!!)

I LOVE my husband - and yes, we happen to have a strong marriage. BUT... please, STAY OUT OF IT. We treat each other well - and have NEVER EVER let anybody think otherwise... nobody could ever wonder from seeing us together if we "treat each other well" we have always done nothing but. Everytime she brings it up I have this nagging feeling...

"does she know something I don't?"
"did my dh lead her to believe that we don't?" (of course he would never!)
"does she think that I'm going to leave him cause we're dealing MFI?" (that's absolutely absurd - but i swear her comments make me wonder what the heck she's thinking...)

And... maybe she only means "i hope you have a strong marriage" but for goodness sake - STOP ASKING.... I'm NOT about to say "well, actually - now that you mention it........ "

Anybody else find this weird/anoying? or am i just weird?

BCP - done!

off the pill, again - for what I hope is the last time for say... 1 1/2 to 2 yrs? But then that's what I said when I went off on Jan. 2nd and my cycle had to be converted and just like that - 11 days later i was back on the pill. This time - the cycle WILL go through.... and.... I WILL get pregnant. So there. (yes, hope the b. has crept in.)

I started my injections on Friday. Piece of cake - can't believe how worked up I got myself over them. But then I'm an artist - which I think makes me overdramatic sometimes... and being the only "artist" in the family - i swear I feel like nobody else cares at time because they're so under-dramatic. But i'm getting over it. And I'm convinced my dh typically likes my "overdramatic" being - although not when it's negative... which these days it seems to be.

I do think i'm feeling the effects of the injections - a little. Yesterday with the news about my cousin and the fact that UPS messed up the status of my package AGAIN by error on their part I LOST IT. I couldn't stop crying - and frankly - it wasn't that bad.... I'll blame the injections - maybe it's just a combination of too much stress, but I'll blame the injections.

I have to come into work 8 more times probably before my 2 weeks off. BUT then again, the last time I thought this was the case, it turned out to be pushed - so this time i'm not getting my hopes up too high on the number of days at work thing. I really hate coming to work. I don't mind my work - it's just everything else it seems. It's also because a LONG time ago we decided I wasn't coming back to work after we have children.... and..... we've been trying for 2 yrs and 4 months. I should have left this job well over a year and a half ago. That's a LONG TIME to keep going "day by day till i get pregnant..."

I am thankful for the career I currently have - without it it would be nearly impossible to think of doing IVF... or at the very least of thinking of doing it more than once - and I still want 4 kids. So I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful that that means I never had to be a "strugling artist". My personality wouldn't have handled that well. So I'm grateful for this job... I am.

I read in somebody's blog the other day that she has 2 full time job:
Her career and Infertility. And just like that I realized that I was feeling the effects of 3 - my career, my business and infertility. No wonder something had to give. I'm currently on a break from my business and although I miss it terribly - it has done wonders for me. I do find it difficult at times to have "free time" something i'm not used to at all - but the free time has done a lot for my sanity... and for that i'm thankful.

SHE'S due in April.

Who could that possibly be?

My 22 yr old cousin. Single (the guy is apparently long gone). Living on her own. NO job. Due... in April. You know, the one you wouldn't trust to dog sit for the afternoon?

Now... we ALL know life isn't fair. We've not only been told a million times - but we know from experience - because frankly if life was fair, nature would take it's course and IVF would never be. We'd ALL have the families we want at this point.

BUT why oh why must we be reminded of this with such horrible examples. This is horrible. YES - i'm terribly jealous. BUT all that aside - this child will NOT have a great start - unless her parents play a huge role in this. And of course, like everything - i could be wrong... but i don't think so.

Her brother & his wife suffer from infertility as well. They're the only people in my HUGE family other than us, to my knowledge that suffer. I'm not close to them... other than knowing that they cannot have children I know nothing else. I was led to believe the issues were with her (which is why i never needed to know more really, since we're not related, she's my cousin's wife - therefore her dx couldn't be related to ours) I know that they've been trying for 6-7 yrs... but I have no idea of any diagnosis or anything... Imagine how much more hurt they must be by this?

A slap in the face....

Oblivious.

That's the answer from yesterday's question. How do I know for sure?

I realized FOR SURE yesterday when she sat in my office bitching that she still had 74 working days before mat leave... that by itself wasn't so bad - but i just said "Oh shut up! I have no idea when i'll manage mat leave..." (in a friendly way of course - just a "yeah, i know it sucks, but i'm pretty sure my situation sucks more!" HA!HA!) and i figured that would be the end of it...? No... she kept going on and on about "yeah, but it sucks to have to work till may blah blah blah " like she didn't hear me AT ALL - and OF COURSE she heard me, but obviously she wasn't listening. I mean, I KNOW it sucks to have to work here. To say it - fine - but to go on and on - i realized that in this whole situation I was the one being an idiot... for having higher expectations of her. or something.

So that chapter is over. I decided I needed to be more intelligent ;) and realize that I wasn't always going to get an attentive listener out of her. It's ok - i've got friends who do listen :) The same ones that are pregnant as we speak but DON'T rub it in!! ha!HA! I mean i'm pretty sure their bellies are plenty to remind me!


Two more days till I start the injections. I hope the claim that it can make me moody will NOT happen to me. I'm moody enough as it is. I mean i LOVE my husband and I KNOW he loves me - but I want him to still love me when this is all done with! ha!HA! Kidding - of course he'll still love me ... but living with somebody who's always about to go off the deep end cannot be a great feeling!

Other than that, I'm kind of planning a mini getaway. One that will only take place in april (when i get my vacation days for the year, cause as of right now i only have 2 1/2 days left!!) and one that will also only take place IF this cycle fails. I would like to have an actual plan so that i can shift my focus, if in fact it fails. It wont - but if it does, i'll have something to a) look forward to and b) some place to RELAX. I'm thinking one to 2 weeks away, on the ocean somewhere (long drive - i'm far from the ocean!) in a cabin where we can bring our dog. THAT would be fantastic. We have no money to spare, saving every penny we can - BUT i figure *if* the cylce fails - it means I'm going to be working at the very least an extra 3 months because I have to wait that long to give IVF another try - so..... that's 3 months salary we are not litterally counting on (cause we're hoping this cycle works!) and add another month cause this cycle was pushed a month, so 4 months salary that yes, SHOULD be saved - but since it's kind of bonus (i'm twisting this - i know it's a far strech - but i need to believe this therory, for my sanity!!) anyways - since it's "kind of" bonus, we can use a bit of $ to take a break. We haven't taken a real break together since all this crap started (other than 5 days in september, but i was at a workshop - so again, not quiet time!)

If I could have my wish... well, obviously, none of us would be living this! BUT that asside - IF it was to fail - I'd like to take about 2 months and settle in central america somewhere... quiet... day to day... no stress... but that cannot happen. :(

Another option would have been to go visit my sister in Mexico, she's been there since Oct. - BUT she'll be home at the end of march - so that doesn't work either!

4 more days

until the shots start.

I feel so much more comfortable with this whole process this time around, for some reason. I'm not sure if it's that i'm more confident in IVF or if perhaps it was too soon after the rush of christmas and i wasn't feeling prepared - not sure...

I've been stocking the freezer full of our favorites... Last week-end I made a HUGE pot of spag. sauce... we have enough i think for 8 diners... NOTHING (for me at least!) beats home made spagheti sauce when you're feeling down!! Last night we made our favorite enchiladas recipe and I have enough to make enchilads 4 more times!! Today I made my favorite soup and froze 9 portions!! And I'm about to start diner - making a huge stew with dumplings and we'll manage to freeze 3-4 diners. We also have chili & a favorite rice dish in the freezer! I think that as the *hell* begins we'll manage to eat "good" comfort food for a change... instead of convincing ourselves that we do not want to cook, and really - pizza isn't THAT bad for you, is it?? :(

On a seperate note, I've been reading a book -- "Good in Bed" by the same author of "in her shoes". My friend lent me this book - and I'm starting to think she really needs to hurt me or something. The book is really not what i should be reading right now... A while ago in the book I found out the main character got pregnant, by accident -- yeah, right now - not the greatest thing to be reading about, oops babies. I see my friend the day after i was at that spot in the book (we work together) and I said "um... did you remember she was pregnant?" and went on to say that I forget quite quickly what hapens to characters I read - for some reason... give it a year or 2 and I have very little idea and passing on a book knowing I liked it is something i'd do - but i wouldn't really think of how that could impact the person reading it. To that, she answers "Of course i knew she was pregnant - I remember the whole story line, even the dogs name!" Ok... so tell me... do you think that she's a) lying? b) trying to hurt me? or c) completely oblivious? Ok - JUST the character being pregnant wasn't the biggest deal. She delivered at 30 wks and the baby at this point where i'm at is still in intensive care and they had to remove her uterus so she'll never have kids again. I was in the ugly cry last night while i was reading :(

Worse, she brought me this book shortly after i told her that i was out of reading material so i had picked up an old book of mine that has a chapter from the author's next book at the back. I NEVER read those chapters - they annoy me cause i don't have the book to keep going (just like i'm not fond of short stories - they're too short!) anyways - that chapter i was reading as an attempt to relax in a nice bubble bath... but the of 2 characters described one had just lost a baby and one was pregnant. I told her how "yeah, not the best reading meterial when all i want to do is escape all this stuff...." and then she brings me that book.

So - brings me back to my question - what do you think?
is she... a) lying? b) trying to hurt me? or c) completely oblivious?

I realize i'm probably too sensitive... but yesterday I had these horrible feelings of "i don't know how i'll manage if this doesn't work...." and then i start feeling really bad thinking that thoughts like that will CAUSE this cycle to fail - which of course is rediculous - but bottom line i was in a bad/sad mood yesterday.... and that book just wasn't helping. A. told me to stop reading - but i am completely anal about finishing books i start. ARH.

Ok - enough negativity. Things WILL be ok... although i'm fearing the election results this evening... but i'll get over that too!

Needles. Brown bag full.

Ok... So I have now officially given myself a shot. Sure, it was just water and only a drop - but still. I DID IT.

And i'm proud to say - it was nothing. Border line proud. I didn't think I could do it. I've been dreading this for a long time. I thought my dh would have to do them. All of them. It's NOTHING. So i'm proud to say "it's nothing" but at the same time almost embarassed that i made such a big deal about it! So if anybody's reading this - and you think you can't do it - I ASSURE YOU, IT'S FEASIBLE!! (granted i'm not terrified of needles, i just didn't think i could get myself to give MYSELF shot. If you're in that situation - i'm telling you YOU CAN! it's nothing. If you'e terrified, obviously - i can't predict how you'll do!)

So now i have my full calendar.

BCP until Jan. 30th.
Start Buserelin on Jan. 27th.
Ultrasounds on Feb. 9th, 14th & 17th.
Start Puregon on Feb. 9th.
Retrieval/Transfer week of Feb. 20th.


This time, I have higher hopes. I'm glad i'm now in the 60-65% chance of success. That means that 6 out of 10 women get pregnant. I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE WOMEN, right? I keep thinking about the fact that my family is ultra fertile. I come from a huge family - and my grandparents were quite fertile! Some of my cousins are almost too fertile. THIS will help me at the end of Feb, right? The embryos we'll have WILL STICK.

I WILL become pregnant. Maybe even with twins? Ok - that's not necessary... :) One will do.


We also got our "total $" at the clinic yesterday. Oh how I pray this works. Oh how I pray that we get lucky enough to be able to do a frozen cycle in the future. How I pray that my dh never has to do his surgery again. How I pray that we will be able to afford to have the # of children that we want. I do NOT want our bank account to dictate that. I do NOT want to change the course of my life for this. I do not want to have to work hours on end to manage this, when what I want most is to be able to raise my children. If it means working too many hours and hardly seeing my children - then, seriously, what's the point? I understand "doing what needs to be done" - but I don't want to wake up when it's too late and realized that IF completely changed my life. Sure, it changed HOW we would create our family - obviously. But i need more than anything for that to be it.


I just want a baby. or two.

Dream.

My closest friend gave me "dream" for christmas. She said for our bedroom, to always remember to dream - and eventually for the nursery to teach my children to dream. My husband put it in our bedroom and not at all where I would have put it. I would have placed it on a dresser we have. I think it would have looked good - but not nearly this great. He said when she gave it to us he knew right away that's where he'd put it. Really cool thing too - the nursery will be in the other end of the upstairs - and it has the same window... so whenever we finally DO have a nursery, "DREAM" switch ends of the house :)

Delays.

So... I used to think that IVM was too good to be true. IVM is where they take your eggs and mature them in a dish instead of pumping you with all the drugs. Doesn't it sound WONDERFUL? Almost like "natural in-vitro" which frankly is an oxymoron in any case!! Anyways... Turns out I was right. I was too good to be true.

We've converted this cycle to IVF... which basically means we're trying again, next month. This appointment happened yesterday, friday the 13th. I'm not really supersticious, but goodness things like this don't help. Turns out the scan they based their recommendation of IVM on was "wrong" kind of. It showed 38 follicules but it was either an error or they saw MANY TINY ONES that shouldn't be counted. This ultrasound was done elsewhere. I wish I had done it at "my" clinic, then I would NEVER have started IVM and next week we're be attempting to get me pregnant. BUT now we wait. But then I wish my clinic wasn't a 6hr round trip.

Back on the BCP. Great. I puked all night. My dh woke up at one point asked how i was (knowing i was aweful) and rubbed my back - knowing if he hugged me i'd be sick right away. He's the best.

We go back to the clinic on Monday. To get my "brown bag of injections/needles/hormones" as well as a crash course on "how to give yourself a shot". ARH. They (at the clinic) seem to love being able to tell women that "oh these ones YOU can do, your husband only needs to do a few of the intramuscular ones". Um... Being able to give yourself a shot isn't fantastic. I had ZERO aspiration of ever doing it. NONE. NEVER. But then I also didn't expect to be attempting IVF either... oh how life is full of surprises!!

My first injection is Jan. 27th. My dh will be away for that week-end, he leaves the 27th and coming back on the 29th, late. He said he's cancel his trip (he's going to a pond hockey tournament - sounds really cool. I almost said I'd go too but i don't want to be with THAT many guys...!) But how crazy would it be for him to cancel because i have to give myself a SHOT. Not like an appointment/procedure or anything - it's JUST A SHOT. Obviously he's still going. I thought of going to spend the week-end with my sister who has to give herself shots for something else - but I think i'd go crazy.

Our procedures are scheduled for the week of Feb. 20th. I was supposed to be off work as of now for 2 weeks because our procedure was supposed to be now. Now, i have to go back to work. I don't like going to work. Worse, i had to email my supervisor who's also a friend - but one i wouldn't have shared this with, but i kind of had to cause i'm missing sooooooo much work, anyways i emailed him to say i'd be at work on tuesday. He called this afternoon. I wish he would stop asking. At least my other friends just ask when I BRING it up. Seems like a rule - DO NOT ask somebody dealing with infertility how things are going, I'll TELL YOU if and when I feel like it.

I thought that there was a slight chance that me and my 2 really good friends could all be pregnant at the same time... And that may still happen when i get pregnant in feb. but i guess it's a little less likely now... one of the girls is due on March 17th. The other on July 2nd. I have 2 other good friends that are due on March 10th and May 19th. Out of my friends, i'm basically the only non pregnant one. At the very least, it's MUCH easier knowing that these girls are pregnant - because they're women i love. I have such a hard time watching pregant women on tv... or walking down the street. I've taken to saying "bitch" when I see one, but my dh doesn't think that's a good idea! ha!HA!

Oh, the good news in our delays... Our odds are now 60-65% for a pregnancy. With IVM it was 40%. With my 24 follicules and my dh's surgical removal of sperm - our odds were getting really really small. The smart part of my brain understands that this is the best option for us. The emotional part thinks that this SUCKS and it HURTS. I wouldn't be human to not care, or to only smile and nod at the "medical facts". No matter how we look at it - it sucks. I was FINALLY ready for this. Since my ultrasound on Monday I had found glimpses of myself again - which I haven't seen in a LONG time... and now it's all gone again. I know i'll have it back - but for now, it's gone.

Can't sleep.

Ok - obviously the "start" has marked me. I was SO restless last night. Coudn't sleep. Kept waking up...

And it begins.

I NEED TO RELAX!!!!!!!

I think I need to re-read my meditation book and start acting on it. I need to take time to count my blessings (even though i do this daily) but count the blessings and NOT think of my journey ahead. It's in the hands of one of the best clinics in the world. I'm taken care of. I have confidence in that part.

I also started reading on the subject again, even though I was instructed by health care professionals TO STOP. I'm informed. I know what I need to know (and at least 10 times more!)

I also need to concentrate on the fact that my family history suggest that we multiply like bunnies!! I come from a HUGE family... my grandparents were very fertile, on both sides - and my cousins who are having babies are VERY fertile... many "a little earlier than we thought..." babies in my family :) I need to focus my energy on THAT and realize that THAT will help us. THAT is what will make us pregnant quick. THAT is what will make IVM work. Because i'm FERTILE. Very likely VERY fertile.

And that's what i need to focus on!

HOPE - and being scared of it.

I am terrified most I think about having hope. It's crazy really. At the beginning it's all I could hold on to. I made myself posters/art that say HOPE on them. I'm surrounded by them. My charm bracelet says "h o p e".

I do have HOPE - but i like to keep it quiet it seems these days - because i'm scared. I watched InJustice last night on TV and they released a man who had been in jail for 13 yrs for a crime he didn't comit (it's only a drama, i know!) but one of the lines he said was that he didn't want to go through the trial because his worse enemy in this whole thing was HOPE. That having hope and it NOT working out is the WORSE thing... and sure, i'm not serving time in jail so obviously it's completely different "levels" but I couldn't help but think that he was talkign about me.

Having hope IS SCARY.

But then we need to keep hope. So really, it's a vicious cycle.

lack of concentration

It's saturday afternoon. It's cold - there's loads of snow. I have a fire place & footloose is on TV. I have a good book to read too. And my husband rushed out to get me more tea (no idea how i managed to run out!) before heading out to his hockey game, because he's the best. THAT is my ideal "cozy" time... and I can't even focus on the movie. I'm so out of it.

Today is CD1 - AF showed up in full force this morning. I was SERIOUSLY stressing because i've been spotting for 3 days - and yesterday more than the other 2 and I thought "maybe this is my period and i'm going to ruin this cycle by not callng the clinic??" but no... this morning it was confirmed that in fact, my period started today. At least i have no more doubts, right? Wrong. I'm still stressing about it. Oh well. Last night I was stressing SO much - I couldn't read at all. I had my novel in front of me - and I swear I read the same page 5 times. The only time that happens to me is when i'm faling asleep and i'm too stuborn to admit it and put my book away... when I really want to keep reading even though I'm smart enough to know that really I can't. Last night, I struggled to make the words go in my head, and I couldn't. I wasn't sleepy. I was stressed - which in turn turned to agrivation. I swear this journey is a rainbow of emotions - all experienced in a short time. I could have succeeded in life without this rainbow. I'm convinced.

I have an appointment at 10h30 on Monday morning for my first ultrasound. Then either Friday (the 13th, great!) or Saturday (14) for my second ultrasound. At that point they may be able to tell us when they'll do the retrieval.

To say i'm scared would be an under statement. I'm terrified. It's like it just hit me that i'm weeks away from finding out if in fact my dh and I can have biological children TOGETHER. That's huge. I'm 100% ok with adoption, but bioligical would be nice... and I know that it will absolutely devestate my dh if we can't have them together. He's ok with adoption or sperm donor - he's fine with it... BUT it will HURT him more than any of this has hurt so far. It can't happen. I believe that this sucks enough - we've cried our fair share of tears, we deserve to be able to have children TOGETHER.

So I'm about a week to 1 1/2 weeks away from my first shot. OUTCH. I don't mind the shots really - I just mind that I cannot imagine myself giving them to myself. And I'm guessing it will stress my dh out to give them to me - although he will do it. All togheter: another stressful component. To think that I'll "hopefully" be on those for 3 months! (hopefully because that would be a BFP!!)

I allowed myself to check the online IVF calendars that predict due dates. I let myself. I swore I wouldn't - but i did. I have ZERO self control these days. We will HOPEFULLY become parents around Thanksgiving... Oct 8-11th or something like that. HOPEFULLY. Then I allowed myself to think that that would be a great time to be pregnant... the "worse" month (the last one!) would be in Sept when it starts to cool down... and my biggest months other than that I could wear summer clothes... flipflops... skirts... hippy clothes! That would be great. And then I realized that I shouldn't hold on to that mental image. I'M NOT PREGNANT. Not yet.

Stupid Surfing.

Today I decided I was going to be more positive. I've been SO scared of everything and frankly, it's made me feel quite negative about this whole thing :( and that wasn't my "norm"... Today I decided I was going to BELIEVE that I will be pregnant by groundhogs day. I believe. I have hope. My spirits are high...

And then I surfed. I let myself... dream of the nursery again. WHY? Now, hours later, i'm feeling incredibly sad again. I KNEW there was a reason I told myself I couldn't do that until AFTER we were pregnant. Maybe even after the first trimester... But no... why would I possibly listen to my rational self? She doesn't know what she's talking about. ARH.

Why does it hurt so bad?